Starting in the 1970s, Marvel characters took time out of their busy schedules to shill for Hostess Snack Cakes. I guess Stan Lee needed to make a boat payment or something.
The ads were written and drawn by some of Marvel’s most talented creators, and the ads are best remembered today for their colorful and offbeat villains. After re-reading a pile of back issues I found myself wondering if the time finally come for some of these Morts to receive the action figure treatment? Cupcake ads may seem like an implausible source for cool new action figures, but keep in mind Hostess ads have featured no less than the likes of the Abomination, Red Skull, and Loki (“I confess! I wanted power — but I wanted delicious Hostess Cupcakes even more!“) Without further ado, I give you seven Hostess ad villains that would make great Marvel Legends!
7. Gudrun the Golden
Looking like Odin’s blinged-out brother from another mother, Gudrun unsurprisingly appeared in an ad for Twinkies. ‘Tis true, the golden sponge cake is irresistible to man and god alike! It’s hard to say which Gudrun this is meant to be — there is a Gudrun in Norse mythology, but it turns out she’s a gal. This Gudrun talks in Stan Lee’s ham-fisted Asgardian dialect, but I’m not sure if he’s meant to be an actual god or just some odd codger with great facial hair. Either way, he has a distinctive appearance and strong design that would translate nicely to Marvel Legends.
6. Madam Web
If the line keeps producing spider-women at this rate, soon Marvel Legends will be forced to take a shot at Madam Web. Note the missing “e” and her non-resemblence to a blind mummified Aunt May. This Madam Web is a villain, sort of — her love for Spider-Man has spurred her on to frame the wall-crawler by webbing up the local harbor. Even through no one saw him do it, the Daily Bugle blames Spider-Man, and our hero has to call upon the power of Hostess to clear his name. It’s funny how Madam Web’s love for Spidey is immediately eclipsed by the mere suggestion she might get a Twinkie. Seriously, what is in those things?
5. Stormrider & Cronon
A ridiculous-looking, over-the-top comic book villain is out to destroy America during its presidential election! (Insert politician-of-your-choice joke here.) The “Satan of the sky” uses his atmospheric ion saturater to disrupt the voting process, to the outrage of a TV-watching Captain America. Lucky for Cap, he doesn’t even need to get up off the couch, as the villains have been kind enough to show up at his place and inform him of their plan. Cap wastes no time in using consumer-culture propaganda to turn Cronon against his fellow alien. Why believe in duty and loyalty when there’s “life, liberty and the pursuit of delicious Hostess Fruit Pies!”?
4. Waterman
Some heroes took their duty of protecting Hostess product to the next level. In “If Rust Be My Destiny!” Iron Man straight-up murders a guy over some cupcakes. Above, Waterman is using his, uh, water to rust all of Tony Stark’s factories. Instead of taking the time to talk him down, Iron Man just fries him on the spot. And I quote: “This intensified blast of my power-ray will turn you and your flood to steam!” Now, we never see the grisly aftermath, but it couldn’t have been pretty. Stick to the liquor, Tony, it makes you less homicidal.
3. Big Mouth
One of the most memorable characters to appear in a Hostess ad, Big Mouth is the epitome of Bronze-Age weirdness. A giant disembodied mouth is the kind of idea every desperate writer has pitched at one point in time, but only in the 1970s could they actually get away with it. Unsurprisingly, Big Mouth tangles with Hostess’s go-to guy for the freaky stuff, Captain Marvel. The good Captain quickly susses out Big Mouth’s weakness (Twinkies, naturally) and the crisis is over before it’s begun. Personally, I would love to have this guy on my Marvel Legends shelf as a contrast to all those grumpy faces.
2. Legal Eagle
According to Mary Jane, Ralph G. Fake is a criminal layer with the power to turn himself into Legal Eagle, the Monster Eagle. No wonder Spidey keeps her around; she like she’s a super-computer database for loser criminals. That said, the Eagle is toyetic as all get-out — he’s like a combination of the Vulture and the terror-dogs from Ghostbusters. In spite of (or is it because of?) his weakness for chocolately creamy Hostess cupcakes, he’d make a terrific Build-a-Figure.
1. Nitro
Fandom is a funny thing. No matter how obscure something is, there are people out there who live for it. Case in point: Nitro here took his Edgar Winter cosplay to the next level by actually killing a superhero. Granted, he didn’t mean to — Captain Marvel just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when Nitro’s plan to steal some experimental nerve-gas literally blew up in his face. While the villain recovered (turns out blowing up is his super power), Marvel suffers a slow and agonizing death from cancer. It’s not a Gwen Stacey-level kill, but its more than all of the other morts on this list achieved combined! that’s gotta be worth a figure, right?
What do you think? Should any of these characters deserve the Marvel Legends treatment? Discuss it on the Fwoosh forums!
