In this new weekly column, THE MAN IN THE ANT HILL makes the case for lame comic characters to be made into action figures. He’s usually unsuccessful, but it sure is funny to watch him try! Take it away TMITAH!
Thank you, thank you. And now — they’re forgettable, they’re regrettable, they’re the MORTS!
What is a mort, you ask? In comic book terms, mort is slang for an exceptionally lame character, either hero or villain. While there are no hard and fast rules as to what makes a someone a mort, let’s just say you’ll know one when you see one.
Right. Like that.
Morts always have the stupidest powers, the goofiest costumes, and the corniest names — the most memorable morts feature all three of these qualities at once.
Everything is on the One, baby. Anyway, morts are most often gimmick-based, like the two Spider-Man foes below: Rocket Racer (who rides a rocket-powered skateboard) and Big Wheel (who rides a rocket-powered, uh… wheel.) Hey, that’s two morts for the price of one! You got a lot for 35 cents back in the day.
Every hero needs a few morts in his rogue’s gallery. After all, you can’t always fly to Latveria to fight Doctor Doom — do you know how much it costs just to fill the Pogo-Plane’s gas tank? Sometimes it’s easier to just phone it in and pick a fight with “The Man in the Mystery Mask” instead.
Nice. You fight this clown out in the street and are back inside the Baxter Building before the pizza-delivery guy arrives. Still, just because someone is a mort doesn’t mean he should be consigned to the junkpile — you can make the lamest character interesting if you have a good story to tell. Look at former DC mort Cat-Man. He started off like this:
Now he’s a complete badass. Even the goofiest of characters can suddenly be made relevant by the right creator. So don’t be so quick to dismiss the D-list — they may be more important than you think!
That’s it, Rainbow Raider! Don’t let a lifetime of failure and public humiliation get you down. Shine on, you crazy diamond. Now that all that’s out of the way, let’s hit the ground running with legendary mort THE STILT-MAN!
First appearing in Marvel Comic’s Daredevil #8, ol’ Stilty here was goofy even for a 1960s comic villain. Unscrupulous scientist Wilbur Day steals plans for a prototype battering ram, which he uses to construct a set of hydraulic telescoping legs for an armored battle-suit of his own design. Armed with a stun-blaster and the element of surprise, he begins a series of “high profile” crimes.
Yes, actual stilt legs like this would be incredibly impractical, but this isn’t the real world we’re talking about here. Visually, Stilt-Man wasn’t so out of place in a New York City populated by Sorcerers, Iron Men, and Norse Gods. The fact that he could interact with Marvel’s flying characters was useful — plus, he was something tall for Daredevil to fall off of.
Yep, there he goes! Now, I’m not knocking the protective qualities of red spandex or anything, but Matt should consider adding a helmet and some knee-pads to that get-up. Radar sense is all well and good, but it’s not gonna stop your head from bursting like a melon when it smacks into the pavement. Anyway, Stilt-Man usually fought with ol’ Horn-Head, but over the years he’s also mixed it up with the Falcon, Black Goliath, Iron Man, She-Hulk, and Spider-Man. His life of petty crime was ended by a rocket to his robo-junk courtesy of the Punisher.
Others have since attempted to take over the Stilt-Man identity, but, obviously, Wilbur Day left some big shoes to fill. Stilt-Man would make a great action figure, no two ways about it. He’s a classic Marvel villain with an incredibly toyetic design. With legs able to extend to a length of 250′, it’s also an impractical one. Minimates solved the problem by making leg extension tubes for their Stilt-Man compatible with one another so you could link ’em together. As long as you have the pieces, then the sky really is the limit.
Unfortunately for Minimate collectors, the only way you could get extra leg extenders was to buy more Stilt-Man figures. Happily, the very nature of 6″ Marvel Legends figures at retail solves that issue. If Hasbro released a Stilt-Man figure, then his leg extensions could simply be his wave-mate’s BAF pieces. This way, a collector who only wants a normal Stilt-Man for display feels no pressure to buy the other figures, while someone who wishes to have Stilty tower over their collection might want the whole wave. If Hasbro made the other characters in the wave army builders like HYDRA and SHIELD agents, Hand ninjas, and AIM soldiers, then I think toy stores wouldn’t be able keep them in stock. It would be a terrific way to do this unique character justice and also get some much needed army-builders out to fans.
So how about it, Hasbro? MAKE MY MORT!!!
Discuss this article and make suggestions for the Mort YOU want me to cover here — MAKE MY MORT! MARVEL
Jason R Mink IS the Man in the Ant Hill! – 03/23/13