Okay all you Humanoids, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan has arrived, and now that he is here to lead the way, the rest of his unforgettable stable, The Heenan Family, needs to be completed in Mattel’s WWE Elite series.
Here is a wrestling factoid for you: Bobby Heenan is the greatest wrestling manager of all time and one of the best on-air personalities as well. It is a scientific fact. He managed some of the most feared, most technically proficient, and most successful wrestlers of all time, and took them to multiple championships. He oversaw one of the greatest Intercontinental Champions ever in Mr. Perfect; he “executively consulted” one of the greatest wrestlers of all time in Ric Flair; he had two “Kings” in his family, and he was the primary villain to Hulk Hogan for years with the likes of Andre the Giant, King Kong Bundy, and Mr. Wonderful all pivotal in putting “Hulkamania” over.
When he transitioned from being a manager to a “broadcast journalist,” his career might have gotten even better. No one, NO ONE worked the mic like The Brain, and his pairing with Gorilla Monsoon in the booth and the studio made for the greatest commentary combination in the history of sports entertainment. Doubt me, do you? Okay, check out these clips of some of his regular work:
https://youtu.be/dGRbK0_RHH0
Bobby had no chill, and his villainous presence to Monsoon’s everyman will never be repeated. I laugh until my sides hurt even now because even though I was a Brain guy when I was a kid, I missed so much of his humor and innuendo, so it is at another level now. Go ahead — go watch more of his shoots and clips. I will wait. It is definitely worth your time because Heenan is the MAN, and it is so sad his health has not been good over the past several years.
Are you back? Good!
Needless to say, when I got the Heenan Family Hall of Fame pack last week, I was over the moon. I had been searching for months with no success, but my pal JKL came through with an AWESOME assist (thanks, dude!), and now that I have the long-overdue Brain on my shelf, I have a major priority in completing his unforgettable family roster. Sure, we have most of the big guns in Flair, Perfect, Andre, Bundy, Mr. Wonderful, “Ravishing” Rick Rude, The Brain Busters, and Big John Studd, but there are still some key players out there that need to be made to make the Family feel complete.
So I have put together a list of five that need to be prioritized for Elite status in the Mattel line. For the purpose of this exercise, I am only highlighting the entrants who were a part of the WWF/E Heenan Family, and I am forgoing the AWA group. I realize that there were several other guys who were technically a part of the stable, but I have a few comments on why those guys did not make the list before we get started.
“Adorable” Adrian Adonis and The Barbarian are certainly guys who I would like to see in the line, especially the latter. However, I feel these guys have more importance in their own careers in other groups. Adonis was certainly more of a Jimmy Hart guy, and Barbarian had his most successful run as the Warlord’s partner in the Powers of Pain under the tutelage of Mr. Fuji. “Playboy” Buddy Rose, Ken Patera, and the Missing Link were there as well, but their overall importance to the family and wrestling at large is much less than the others. I feel the same about Tama (Haku eclipsed any success The Islanders had on his own) and Sivi Afi, too. You are absolutely free and encouraged to disagree with these choices, but I had to set some ground rules for myself. Cool? Okay, here we go . . .
- HAKU
The most feared man in the history of professional wrestling is, to me, the most glaring gap in the Heenan Family collection at this point. Haku was a King of the Ring winner, a Tag Team Champion, and scourge to countless faces over the course of his WWF run. Haku was feared for his toughness, but he was also a very technically skilled wrestler, and I sure as hell would not want to be on the receiving end of one of his massive kicks. Plus, Haku has a very unique look with his ¾ tropical tights and bare feet, and I want to play out the rivalry between his Colossal Connection and Demolition, like, right now.
- “KING” HARLEY RACE
The King really made his bones in the AWA and NWA, but there is no denying his presence in the WWF. He did not have as long of a standing with the Family or the WWF in general (due to a hernia), but he brought the concept of the “King” as title in the promotion with him, and his feud with The Junkyard Dog remains one of the best to this day. Frankly, I am pretty surprised that Race has not gotten a figure already, as he is so important to professional wrestling overall, and his entrance attire would make for a very dynamic figure.
- HERCULES
Haku, Harley, Hercules, Heenan . . . there is a definite “H” theme running here. Hercules was always one of those guys who, despite never really being a primary title contender, was still omnipresent during my era of the WWF, and he feuded with the best of them. He enjoyed success as both a heel in Heenan’s stable and as a “baby face” as well, but I remember him most as a member of the Family, and I was never a big Power and Glory fan. His in-ring look was pretty basic during that era, but you can’t beat swinging a massive chain over your head for entrance theatrics. I hope we get a chance to get him as a figure, even if it requires some exclusivity to get it done.
- THE BROOKLYN BRAWLER
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Brooklyn Brawler was the greatest “jobber” the WWF ever knew during the Golden Era. No, you never once expected him to win anything, but he did have the greatest manager of all time (jobbers rarely had ANY ring accompaniment), and he was a staple for YEARS and across multiple eras of the promotion. His dirty and hampered look was perfect for the character and his in-ring success, but he did get to compete (albeit expectedly) in more than a few pay-per-view attractions. If you feel that the Brooklyn Brawler is not worthy of a figure, I kindly ask that you reconsider because being able to have a Mattel Elite figure of him would be amazing.
PROVISIONAL REQUIREMENT: THE RED ROOSTER
Poor Terry Taylor. Every person watching him from the most seasoned fan to kids to Heenan to, well, even himself, knew that the “Red Rooster” gimmick was nothing short of remarkably stupid, and that is saying a lot considering this is professional wrestling and all. That said, it is the hilarious nature of the gimmick that makes me want a figure of him. Well, that, and the fact that we WAS a member of the Family. I know, I don’t think anyone ever counted the Rooster as their favorite wrestler, but he was around for quite a while and even though Bobby pretty much abused him during his stint in the stable, he did get his comeuppance when the Rooster defected. I completely understand if you disagree with this pick (I had to even list it as provisional), but since he was a member, I had to consider him, and yes, I would totally buy an Elite Red Rooster.
Let’s finish the Family! Mattel is starting to get to several of the supporting WWF characters of old, and since Heenan is here, we need his full stable. Haku is definitely my priority, but I want the greatest Family of all time to expand to all corners. What say you? Would you throw down for some (or all) of these picks?
