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Lobot? More Like Lobought, Amirite?

It has been a while since I’ve waxed philosophical about Lobot. If you’re wondering what I mean by “waxing philosophical,” I mean I named my car Philosophical, and it was time to get it detailed, because it was looking raggedy. And speaking of details, You probably want details on why Lobot is the subject of this article, which is why I’m waxing like Mr. Miyagi in a sign language class. If you’re still here, then you must dig Lobot also.

Lobot and his headphones of doooooom.

“Everybody Dance Now” on repeat.

The reason this article is happening is because the smoothest man in several galaxies — Mr. Lando “I’m not a system, dammit!” Calrissian himself — has a brand new 6-inch Black Series action figure coming soon to a shelf near you. Now, Lando can wear a cape like none other, and it’s very probable that he had sex with your mother, but a Lando without Lobot is sacrilege, brother. Can you have a Threepio without Artoo? Indeed.

Scanning for smooth. Scanning … scanning. Smooth successfully found.
Bitches, leave.

Lobot fascinates me. I don’t know why. In a galaxy of lightsabers and ebony-armored badasses, it’s the oddballs that linger here and there that really fill out those galactic pants. Droids, creatures, cloud-pimps, whatever the hell Jawas are — it can’t be all robed wonder-wizards all the time. That’s where your Lobot-types come in. They’re almost normal … except for the fact that they’re slightly not-so-normal. Normal people don’t wear cybernetic half-headbands. Normal people blink. I’m sure Lobot had to blink, but It really doesn’t look like it. I’d have to watch Empire Strikes Back again to see if he blinked, but I can’t remember him blinking.

Even the Ewoks blink now. Because George went a little nuts there for a while. But Lobot? Blinking’s for sissies.

I really should fact check whether he blinked, but I kind of like thinking that he didn’t blink. That makes him more … Lobotty.

Anyway, yes, his sleeves are blousy, and he stood around. But there was just something really weird about him, in the awesome-weird sense. Lando pushed a couple of buttons on his wrist and suddenly Lobot opens up his eyes. You can’t tell me that you weren’t profoundly affected by such a simple gesture. Was he activating him, or just waking him up? Did Lobot sleep standing up? Can you work him like a Rock ’em Sock ’em Robot? I just have so many questions about Lobot that the movie didn’t answer. I’m sure somebody somewhere answered the question in an Expanded Universe story, like the recent Lando series, but I feel like he needs his own movie. We’re going to be getting Star Wars movies from now to eternity, so why shouldn’t Lobot get one? He’s still out there, you know. The continuing adventures of Lobot. Maybe he’ll show up with Donald Glover’s Lando in the Han movie. Just young Lando and a bald dude, taking the show on the road, scoundrelling and conning and … Lobotting.

In my youthful playtime, Lobot and Lando were always a team, and it was Lobot that always had to save Lando when the two Stormtroopers I had (army building was kind of sad back then) showed up. Lando would always manage to get knocked the ckuf out. But nothing knocked out Lobot, because he had robotic headphones wrapped around the back of his head. He could just dial his strength up, like turning the volume up on the radio. There was regular Lobot, pretty damn strong Lobot, and then Hulk Smash Lobot! Lobot could chuck a Stormtrooper all the way across the living room floor, and then tip over the Imperial Transporter with his bare hands. Lobot could punch an AT-AT and make it fall down. If Lando threatened somebody — let’s say Weequay or someone like that — and that somebody said, “You and what army?” Lando would just point to Lobot, who would go absolutely bugshit on the guy. Have you ever seen the fury of a Lobot scorned? He had five points of articulation, but he only ever made one point, and that point was “Don’t mess with Lobot.”

You might be saying “bald guy with big sleeves? No thanks.” Well, you are a doodiehead. Figuarts and/or MAFEX probably won’t be making him any time soon, so it’s up to Hasbro. Sure, he doesn’t have a lot of screen time, he didn’t save the galaxy or anything, but he played a pretty vital role in Empire, so I’d say that should qualify him for a figure. It’s going to be great to have a Lando, but without Lobot the greatest duo in Star Wars history will never be complete.

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