Working for the Fwoosh has it’s perks. Not only am I flown expense-free to some of the most exotic locations on the planet (I have your package, Mister Lobo), but I get to meet some of the biggest celebrities around. Today I have the privilege of interviewing the one and only Spider-Man! That’s right, the legendary hero has granted me a few moments of his time as he swings around Manhattan on patrol. Thanks to his “WebCam” (I know, humor him), we were able to tour New York — Spidey-style!
Spider-Man: Hello? Is this — hello?
Fwoosh: Spider-Man?
Spider-Man: Yeah, hi.
Fwoosh: Wow, hey. It’s great to be speaking to you!
Spider-Man: Well, uh, thanks. I’m always happy to — what is this again?
Fwoosh: This is the Man in the Anthill, interviewing you for the Fwoosh.
Spider-Man: (pause) The only thing you said that I understood was “interview.”
Fwoosh: Yes! The Fwooshers and I have a few questions for you.
Spider-Man: Okay.
Fwoosh: What’s the average day like for Spider-Man?
Spider-Man: Well, I never know what’s going to happen. When I’m lucky I spend the day rescuing cats from trees. When I’m unlucky I spend the day getting stomped by the Rhino. (A pause) I’m unlucky a lot.
Fwoosh: The Rhino! I hear Paul Giamatti is playing him in the new movie…
Spider-Man: They’re making a Rhino movie? Boy, Sony sure is desperate.
Fwoosh: No, it’s a movie about you — Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: Me? Why would anyone make a movie about me?
Fwoosh: Seriously? You’re the most popular superhero in the world!
Spider-Man: Is that so? Well, there’s a certain newspaper publisher I’d love for you to convince…
Fwoosh: Everybody here thinks you’re great!
Spider-Man: I’m surprised anybody would find me that interesting…
Fwoosh: Are you kidding? I’m a huge fan. I have all of your action figures.
Spider-Man: They make action figures of me?
Fwoosh: Oh, yeah. In fact, ToyBiz released a really amazing version of you back in 2003. Based on the costume you wore in Spider-Man 2, the figure was 18-inches tall and featured a whopping 67 points of articulation, making it the most articulated Spider-Man action figure of all time. Every inch of the heroically-proportioned sculpt was packed with detail and did a remarkable job recreating the movie costume’s aesthetic.
Spider-Man: Huh.
Fwoosh: Taking into account the considerable weight of the figure, Toybiz used heavy-duty ratchet construction to keep the joints from stripping out. While it’s a consistently tight affair throughout, “load-bearing” joints like the ball hips are the worst. The amount of torque required to turn them makes for a nerve-wracking experience, especially since they audibly pop with each incremental rotation. Still, the figure has held up for ten years now, so ToyBiz knew what they were doing. The figure is molded in it’s primary hues, with the contrasting details painted in. The raised webbing looks good, painted with a gun-metal gray that has just the right amount of shine. On the down side, the blue paint isn’t the best and the raised sections of the costume wear easily, but overall it’s remarkably impressive for a mass market toy that originally sold for $25.
Spider-Man: Who cares about all that?
Fwoosh: You’d be surprised. Our readership eats it up.
Spider-Man: I’m surprised little kids still collect action figures.
Fwoosh: Well…
Spider-Man: What’s your average reader? 10? 12?
Fwoosh: Our average reader is 27 years old.
Spider-Man: Oh. uh…
Fwoosh: Yeah.
Spider-Man: I’m beginning to see why you’d find me interesting.
Fwoosh: Next question. Fwoosher ibentmyman-thing asks: if you were a tree…
Spider-Man: Wait, wait — who?
Fwoosh: Ibentmyman-thing.
Spider-Man: And you guys are how old again?
Fwoosh: (shrugging) The Internet lends a certain degree of anonymity…
Spider-Man: And here’s me stuck wearing a mask.
Fwoosh: VeeBee asks: How did a teenager from Queens make such a remarkable costume?
Spider-Man: Teenager? Queens? What are you talking about? I’m a, uh, 52 year old Hispanic dance instructor from the East Village!
Fwoosh: Oh, sorry, sorry — I forgot about your secret identity.
Spider-Man: You’re damn right you forgot! Hell, man, I’ve got family to worry about!
Fwoosh: Oh, you mean Aunt May?
Spider-Man: Ixnay on the Ntay Aymay!
Fwoosh: I’m sorry, now I don’t understand you…
Spider-Man: SHUT UP ALREADY! Listen, you tell this “VeeBee” to stay away from my family! I never hurt him! I never hurt any of you!
Spider-Man quickly swings away.
Fwoosh: Well, that still went better than the Wolverine interview…
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Jason R Mink is the Man in the Anthill!
