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Hulk is Smart…the Tick is…..not….

So, thanks to Lenny Samson, I’m feeling
better than I have in a while. I’m whole,
smart, capable of using proper sentences, and n
ow I think I can properly answer some of these questions you guys have been throwing at me.

Hmm, I’ve just been handed a letter. "Hulk, ratings are down. Need another guest star to spice things up."

Oh crap.

Hello my emerald companion, I am…The Tick. Maybe you’ve heard of me?


Really? Seven feet tall? Blue? Nigh-invulnerable?

No. Wait…no.

Well, anyway…I’m a big fan!! and boy, I can’t wait to dig into the steaming pot of curiosity we have in front of us and and serve up a large bowl-full of well-placed answers. Maybe with tomatoes!

hellspawn asked:

Dear HULK,
Paris is back in jail.

Have you ever been to Paris?

No, I think if I had to spend one minute in her company I’d probably need to help her achieve escape velocity. Unless you mean the French Paris, in which case…no.

Have you ever been to jail?


Certainly not, man. For we are…the good guy! And jail is for the ne’er-do-wells that stalk our streets at night. We are the sledgehammers of justice, swatting down the watermelons of crime wherever they lay down their sweet, watery brand of evil. Oh, the taste is pleasing…but the seeds. The seeds! They get stuck your throat. You’ve gotta spit those evil seeds out, my friend. Spit them out on to the pavement!!

Yeah. What he said.

mdavefran1 asked:

Hulk, I have 2 questions

If you were going to a desert island and could only bring one item, what would it be and why?

Betty. For Bettying.

An excellent question chum. I think, if I could only bring one item, I’d bring…the City! For the war on crime waits for no man, Even if he has sand in his pants. Ooh….itchy.


Do you use Old Spice or Right Guard?

Both. There’s a lot of me.

Deodorants are not for me, chum. Evil is intimidated by the natural musk of goodness. I use all the weapons at my disposal to keep crime at bay. Because evil…is the pits!


Chase asked:

Dear Hulk,

If you were a stripper, what would your stripper name be, and why?

I’m pretty sure it would be the first thing that most people would scream out. So you can call me…"HOly Crap!"

Is he talking about stripping paint?

Yes Tick.

P.S.: If you need tips on stripping, give me a ring, you sexy green bastard you. <3

Still paint?

Yes Tick.


simmo asked:

Last week, MARVEL KNIGHT 2099 asked:

Dear Hulk:

Do-do-do-dodo ya wanna,wanna go, where i never let you before?

similarly, last week, Hulk answered:
Do-do-do you wanna see me break your legs? Because that’s the direction this is going. want to repeat the question, or are you good now?

Are you uncomfortable answering that question because the song’s about anal sex? After all, isn’t that what the "Lucky lucky, you’re so lucky" orgasmic bit at the end means? Or am I reading too much into the song?

No, I’m uncomfortable answering that question because the song sounds like the villagers have gotten together to beat a sheep to death and they decided to record the noises it makes as it dies.

I once considered getting a pet sheep. I made a list of pros and cons. There was only one item in the pro list. Sweaters! I imagined myself wrapped up in their snuggly warmth, dispensing advice like some father on a sitcom. I could have been the Bill Cosby of crimefighters, disciplining all the naughty Theos that I came across, stopping crime before the commercial break.

And in the con column, Arthur said no sheep were allowed in our lease. You win some, you lose some.


Simun asked:

Is $12 bags of chips for $12 a good deal?

I can get them for ten.

Oh, sure, it sounds like a good deal, but what about the tax, my friend? What about the tax! They just want you to fall into their silken web of lies with their promise of food and salty goodness. Well, I say nobody ever taxed an  apple Nobody ever taxed a nice breath of fresh air! You’ve got to deny them their animal pleasures. They can’t tax our ability to live!!

Yes they can Tick.

Those fiends!

Excitable guy, aren’t you?

If enthusiasm for one’s work is bad, then I don’t want to be the guy who isn’t enthusiastic!

MARVEL KNIGHT 2099 asked:

What are your thoughts on the Ghost Rider movie and the intended sequel?

A sequel would be a good idea, if they take out everything that didn’t work in the first
one…which was everything, and do it all over again. What did you think, Tick?


I’m afraid I don’t watch movies, my monochromatic friend. Evil is my cinema. Crimefighting, my popcorn. And for a soda, I always order the large. A large helping of justice, with two straws!! For twice the sucking power.

Yeah, you just described yourself in a nutshell there, Tick.

sexyvonpoopy asked:

what medicines or treatment do you use or back pain?

Gamma radiation seems to be a good cure all.

You gotta sweat out the pain, friend. Sweat it out and then beat it into submission.


pablolobo asked:

I’m still coughing.

I’m still green.

I’m still…the Tick!

Ibentmyman-thing asked:

So Hulk, Galactus being a big cloud in the FF movie instead of his more familiar look…what do you think about that?

Depends…was it cumulonimbus or cirrus? Never mind. I think having the main villain being a cloud makes about as much sense as Darth Vader saying "I…am your uncle’s best friend." OOh, Galactus is going to rain on us. Maybe the FF didn’t have their umbrella’s. Well, I know Thing’s a wuss. Hates to get his rocks wet. I’m gonna hear about that from him later.

I fought a cloud once. Patrolling the city one morning, COuld barely see an inch in front of me. But I battled my way through it, and when I came out the other side, the day opened up like the entertainment section of your local newspaper.

That was fog, Tick.

Ah yes, my old nemesis…fog.



simmo asked:

Hulk, if a, er, friend of mine was married and worked with a totally hot woman who lived in another city, and she was keen on him, should he make the switch to diet cola?

Depends on how tasty the old soda was.

Simun asked:

has a girl ever told you she had to violently douche after having sex with you?

No. A girl has violently called me a douche, though.

You know, Hulk, I was just sitting here, and thinking of how similar we really are. Oh, sure there are differences. You’re green. I’m blue. You’re wearing pants. I’m blue. You’re a scientist in the body of a large, muscular bodybuilder. I’m…not. So even though we seem so different on the outside, are we really so different? Aren’t the passions that drive us the same? Don’t we both want the same thing, when we wake up in the morning. To grab the toasted bread of life and sample it. And on that bread, when we find little burned parts, isn’t our first instinct to scrape it off into the trash? That’s how we’re similar, Hulk, we both want to scrape the burned toast into the trash, and then grab the knife of positivity and spread a generous helping of the butter of tolerance onto that bread.

But you’ve gotta be wary, HUlk. You’ve gotta make sure to scrape off all the burned parts. Every bit of it. Because it can ruin a good piece of bread. And don’t forget the coffee, my lime companion. Because nothing washes down that toast like a steaming cup of coffee. Not too hot, not too cool, but the perfect temperature. Because life isn’t about extremes, my friend, oh no, it’s about that fine line, between right, and wrong, and on that line, there shall I stand, toast in one hand, coffee cup in the other, ever vigilant, ever prepared.

And then there’s the jelly! Strawberry, blackberry, grape. Oh, the endless options of breakfast. The smorgasbord of the delicate cuisine we each call…life. Don’t ever skip that breakfast, chum. Because lunch can come all too late for some of us. And sometimes, life doesn’t have a brunch!!

I’m glad this week was short. I’m getting out of here before Tick makes me angry. We all know how that ends…

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