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Call me…Mr. Fixit.

Okay, apparently Hulk was an idiot and the contract he signed meant any version of Hulk had to answer questions. so due to an unfortunate…accident with yet another gamma bomb, I’m stuck doing this gig. Name’s Mr. Fixit. You can call me…Mr. fixit. Or sir. Or "Oh god not in the face not in the face," if you want. I get that a lot.

xAngelx asked:

Hey Hulk, which track is superior;

New Order – Blue Monday or Joy Division – Love Will Tear Us Apart?

Which one did Sinatra work on? Neither one? Well then, there’s your answer. But I do remember this guy I was talking to over a game of craps babblin’ on about that Joy Division song. Said he played it over and over when some broad dumped him. By the time I finished laughing at him, he had killed himself by choking to death on the dice. I tried giving him a heimlich, the dice shot out. I got a seven. Score.

NimNams asked:

Hulk, what’s the best way to tell my sister that she’s adopted and no one loves her?

Find her adoption records and staple them to her head. Then toss her out a second story window. If she doesn’t get the hint, then send her to my place, if she’s hot.

hellspawn asked:

Dear HULK,
Whenever I lose something, I always find it in the last place I look.

Because you went in the wrong direction.

GLJIMT asked:

Hulk , What is behind the DCU Source Wall and where is Ray Palmer ?

Palmer? I didn’t even know her. Ha!

And a huge mustache is behind the source wall, with a Didio attached to it.

Dane Whitman asked:

Hulk- Your cousin She-Hulk got the Brains, Beauty, And Super Strength but you didn’t get the brains too? Why not? Your alter-ego Bruce Banner seems to be smarter than She-Hulks alter-ego Jennifer so what happened?

You’d have to talk to that Stan Lee guy about that. I’m thinkin’ fetish.

MARVEL KNIGHT 2099 asked:

Dear Hulk:

Do-do-do-dodo ya wanna,wanna go, where i never let you before?

Do-do-do you wanna see me break your legs? Because that’s the direction this is going. want to repeat the question, or are you good now?

TFitz asked:

Hulk, care to explain this?










Looks like a picture. With some green people on it. It’s rectangular. Or maybe I’m being too literal.

TheSameIdiot asked:


Cavaliers or Spurs?


Alba or Longoria?

Heli88 asked:

Dear Hulk,

What’s the best way to get stubborn blood stains out of a carpet?

I’m… uh… asking for a friend. Who gets really bad nosebleeds. And falls on his carpet a lot. Yeah.

Combo of hydrogen peroxide, detergent and ammonia along with really cold water. But it ain’t always foolproof. Best to get rid of the carpet. Or, you know…kill people on linoleum. Or…fall down on it.

Simun asked:

why is everyone snickering at me? Is my fly open?

No. But little hint…unless you’re that Superguy, underwear goes on the inside. Ya freak.

Lucid Silverback esq. asked:

Hello, Mr. Hulk.
Lucid Silverback with the Simian Herald.
It has been reported in the tabloids you regularly eat at least three 5-gallon buckets full of Gamma Beans daily, in order to propel yourself further each time you flea-leap. It has also been calculated by scientists working at MIT that without said legume-fortification, your leaps would only transverse a maximum of 2km when -in fact- actual measurements taken between numerous points along your recent path have peaked at a whopping 4.3km.There have also been reports by witnesses to your departures describing a smell not unlike "A bag of rotten baby diapers" or "A three-day-dead goat stewing in a broth of chum".

Would you like to comment on these reports and explain the obvious discrepancies?

Yeah, there’ve been reports that train A and train B will both arrive at Cleveland on Saturday, but I doubt it.

Avenger13 asked:

What are your feelings on Akon? If he threw you off the stage or assaulted you or your cousin on stage, what would you do?

Funny, I never knew that American Idol squirt had the balls to do something like that. What? Oh. Akon, not Aiken. Oh. Well, either way, I’d perform science miracles. Like turning a solid into a liquid.

pablolobo asked:


Why can’t Canada win the Stanley Cup anymore?

Because Stanley obviously needs it to keep his boys unharmed.

GLJIMT asked:

Hulk, which one of the mods locked my O’Reilly/Ermine thread 9 pages was the best I had so far

The mod that doesn’t like you.

Heli88 asked:

Dear Hulk,

How long does your internet message board thread have to be in order to prove you’re a real man? I’m guessing 10 pages.

Hey, alphabet soup, I think we’ve got your culprit right here.

Kirk asked;

Hulk can you please post a picture of yourself?

I could, but fwoosh ain’t a dating site. And I’m way too pretty.

sexyvonpoopy asked;

Hulk what is your opinion on American foriegn policy?

Does America’s foreign policy sign my checks? If the answer to above question is a no, then america’s foreign policy ranks right above Bob Barker’s dental hygiene on my care-o-meter.

MetalLuna asked:

Dear Hulk,
Who’s in your five?

Four girls and one guy. And the one guy is me. Because occasionally I call myself. Because I’m more interesting than anybody else I know.

devilmonkey asked:

Hulk, my butt itches.

If you’ll read further down, then you’ll understand why I’m about to tell you to talk to the hand.

pablolobo asked:

Hulk do you want to buy the fwoosh?

Only if I can add strippers.

meatloaf of darkness asked:

Hulk, if you owned fwoosh, what changes would you make?


Also, do you surf?

Usually I have better things to do than use the internet. Like strippers.

Simun asked:

Can you tell your buddy from last week, Deadpool, thanks for recommending Big Butt Sluts #5? It was thoroughly enjoyable.

So that’s why I had a copy of that in my nightstand. Stupid salad head and the friends he makes.

Liquidisk asked;

Hulk, is it true that the clandestine clan of ninjas called The Hand are actually a group of kancho assassins?

If so, does that make the phrase "talk to The Hand" the new "pull my finger"?

This would explain why Daredevil’s always limping after he meets up with that bunch. Huh.

That it? Good. Now I’m going to go swallow a gamma bomb and see if I can not do this again.

Stupid green bag of…

Questions for HULK!