It’s already happening.
I am that breed of toy collector that is easily swayed by cool-ass stuff. Sometimes I can ignore the desires, sometimes I can deny myself based on price or whatever rational adult reasoning we use to get all “logical” with things, but for the most part there is a part of me that is Pepe Le Pew and toys are female cats with stripes painted down their backs. In other words, I will get rapeskunk with a cool toy as fast as possible, chère.
I stand behind that statement.
Well, recently I stepped into the world of modern day video-gaming. My last full-fledged console was the Nintendo 64, which, with a whole 64 bits of gaming prowess, was cutting edge. Mario was no longer confined to the directions of left and right. The little Italian plumber was all over the place.
It was nuts. It was 1998. If you said the word “Kardashian,” somebody might have said, “What, those angry dudes on Star Trek?”
I am now the proud owner of a Playstation 4. And not just the regular one. Oh no, lads and ladies — I went full-on Pro.
My game system is now more up to date than my television. Now I’ll have to go 4k with things, and HDR and HD and Yo MTV RAPS and LGBNAF and all the other acronyms you can think of. I am currently as next-gen as it gets. Hold your applause, and hold your game system snobbery where you tell me I should have bought the Xbox One S. I weighed my options, and I chose wisely.
My decision in getting a game system now was based on the simple fact that I clearly thought I had too much spare time. What better way to nuke those extra chrono-moments than a game system?
But this isn’t about me catching up on years and years of games that others have partaken of and are already bored with that are literally brand new to me. I feel like Marty McFly staring dumbfounded at his shoes, when everybody else is staring at him like, “Yeah, shoes do all the work themselves. What, are you from the past or something? Wait until you see the condoms of the future! Spoiler alert: no wimmins needed!”
So yeah, this isn’t about finally seeing what all the fuss is about this game or that game. This isn’t about realizing that games have a learning curve now, where before if you could press a button, any button, there was only one button, you were ready right away. Now I’ve got X and Y and L1 and R2 and OHMYGOD R3?????? WHERE’S R3 BECAUSE I HAVE TO PRESS IT OH SHIT I’M DEAD.
For real, it took an embarrassingly long time for me to find R3. I turned the damn controller upside down looking for it.
No, this is about the toys that I now want to buy because I’ve now been exposed to the stupid game. It’s already happening. I had no idea what an Uncharted was, but now I have to have that NECA Nathan Drake figure. And are there Ratchet and Clank figures? Are they any good?
This is going to lead to so many more purchases of things that I could have previously stayed blissfully aware of, because there are toys based on video games literally everywhere. Hell, it’s even making me go backwards. I got that Mega Man Collection of the first 6 games (that I have never previously played) and now I need that recent Mega Man figure.
Okay, yes, I already bought it.
Shut up!
Oh yeah, P.S. About Mega Man: are those game supposed to be that hard? Because It’s from the ’80s and I kind of … just keep dying. I barely get anywhere and I die. And it’s now a funny haha type of dying, it’s a sad, pitiful “let’s let grandpa play the new game system; that’ll be funny” dying.
Grandpa, you’re stupid and old and you’re holding the controller upside down! Stop sweating on my joystick!
So now I’m wondering what else I’m going to end up buying because of this thing. What fresh hells and horrors and I going to want now?
All those articles the other guys on staff have made about video game toys all suddenly make sense to me. I was all “pshawblaffart, I don’t need those things in my life!” With this smug sense of superiority that comes with a little trademark attached to it and owes a licensing fee to our current president-elect.
Now I know I’m going to need those things in my life. Do I want Bioshock figures? Fallout? What else am I going to acquire an interest in?
Are there Dead Rising figures?
Don’t tell me. I don’t think I can cope with it right now.
It’s already happening.