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“Every Figure Should Come With Doom’s Head,” Says Latverian Dictator

There was a collective “…Whaguhfuhhuh?” when Hasbro showed off the 4th unlockable tier for their Haslab Galactus.

Speculation has been running as rampant as noses in a pepper factory ever since the Galactus Hasblab project began. What would we get? Would we get Heralds? Would we get some guy named Harold? What about Kumar? What about blast effects? What about Something other than this or that?

With Galactus came Nova, then Silver Surfer, and then Morg, who only made about half the people say “…Whagufuhuh?” The other half had actually read Silver Surfer in the 90s and knew what was up. Personally, I was on the right side of history and had read Silver Surfer in the ‘90s, and was down like a drunken clown for Morg. With one giant figure and three smaller figures on the way, the reasonable reaction was, of course, to…

Argue about the obscurity of Morg?

Wait, did I say reasonable? I meant fuggin’ crazy. No, the real reasonable reaction was to want more. Like, what have you done for us lately, Hasbro? It’s been about a day or so since you told us the next tier. People wanted even more rewards for buying something that would need adult supervision to ride on most amusement park rides.

“Firelord!” Said some. “Air Walker!” Said others. “Harold Ramis!” Said one guy who had clearly gotten confused and was promptly booed off stage. When he left, the announcer came out and said “Don’t worry. Egon.”

You’ll get that one on the drive home. Just don’t crash.

Hasbro, unwilling to be told what to do, said “those are all valid ideas, however you get a big Doom head to go on top of your Galactus, because Nelson Muntz ha-ha.” Hasbro apparently think Galactus is kind of like a planet eating Christmas tree. Some people want to put angels up there, (Herald angels, donchuknow) some people want to put stars, and some people just want to watch the world burn.

That was the moment the world’s loudest …”Whaguhfuhhuh?” was uttered. Because people were already getting a giant Galactus and three Heralds, but this Doom head was the Doom that broke the Doomcamel’s back. They had gone too far this time. What the hell were they doing to us, said the masses. Was this some kind of metaphor? Wait, is the line really ending in 2020? Was Mattel getting the Marvel License?

Wait wait wait…Is this Disney’s fault? It’s Disney’s fault, right? Can we somehow blame Kathleen Kennedy and Rian Johnson.

People didn’t realize the bigger issue was whether or not to call this egregious and outrageous usurping of expectations “Doomlactus” or “Galacdoom” one sounds like something that will give you explosive diarrhea, and the other sounds like something that will make nerds angry. It’s up to each individual to figure out which is which. I personally will be calling it “Froyo Saggins” as is the custom where I grew up. If you wait a minute I will try to bring this around. One day Froyo Saggins left Talia Shire to deliver the Thing Ring to…

Yeah bitch, you already guessed where I was going with this…

Mount Doom. Which is exactly what the family dog will do when you put a Galactus with Doom’s head in the living room.

“Get off of Froyo,” I will say, which is odd because I don’t have a dog, and if I did, he sure as hell won’t be walking through my living room.

“Ruh Roh,” says the dog, while Doom smirks.

Of course, you’re welcome to name yours whatever you want to, despite the obvious superiority of Froyo Saggins. I suspect that a large quantity of spouses will be referring to this figure as “grounds for divorce.” Even the spouses that are cool with a toddler-sized Galactus taking up residence in their house are still going to draw the line on sticking a Doom head on top of it.

So in conclusion, I can only hope with the scrunched-up white-knuckle hope of a man who has yet to go in on this thing as of this writing but will be doing so shortly that the Doom head comes with a voice chip that says “RICHARDS!” with only the barest hint of echo applied to the voice, the kind that could be heard on a fart in an empty auditorium.

If it doesn’t that’s cool, because I can do that myself. And by that I mean scream Richards! in inappropriate situations, not fart in an auditorium.

I have manners.

I didn’t have any other relevant idea for a column, but by gosh I had manners.