It’s getting very close to that time again. It seems like we just had a Toy Fair, but before you know it SDCC will be flashing their wares at us, showing us all the titillating plastic that we’re going to freak out over. And we will all freak out. Even those of us who consider ourselves unflappable see one figure that makes us freak out just a little.
I have a nice loooong list of Marvel Legends I still want. Some are Longshots, some are just a new Longshot. Yes, I set myself up for that perfectly. Selfhighfive!! When you collect toys for a long long long time, sometimes it gets predictable. That guy, that girl, this redo, that mutant, blah blah blah. But Hasbro has not been predictable lately. With their recent dedication to putting out near-definitive versions of the heavy hitters (Thor, Iron Man, Hulk, Cap), pulling obscure names out of a hat and immortalizing them in plastic (Rock Python, bitches), or running down the list of “why hasn’t ___ been made before? (Hydro Man, Puma) predicting what Hasbro is going to do is…well, it’s hard , man. That’s not even counting the updated figures from old, bad Hasbro or the Toybiz years. Hasbro has smoked all of the crack. There’s no crack left, because Hasbro smoked it all. Sorry, crack addicts, Hasbro did it.
So what the hell are we going to see this year? I know what I want to see. I want to see a Slapstick, but that ain’t happening. I want a five figure boxset of classic Thanos, Ultron, Graviton, Count Nefaria and Stilt man, but I’m not currently asleep and dreaming, as there would be far more naked ladies pointing and laughing at me. Wait…
With all this rampant unpredictability, you’d have to be pretty crazy to try to actually predict what Hasbro will show off. Well, I am just that pretty and just that crazy. But I’m not going to do the usual five. The reason I’m not doing five is because of that unpredictability. Things start to break down when you push them too hard. Just ask any former child actor, if they’re not currently in an alley wondering why Hasbro smoked all their crack.
So instead of your standard top five, I’m bucking the trend and doing a top three. But this top three condenses all of my prognosticative abilities into a razor honed slice of absolute assuredness. You can take this article to the bank. They’ll stare at you funny and call security, but that’s beside the point.
You will see these figures at SDCC this year. This is not a guess. We will see these figures. I am sure of it. I have also never won the lottery, but these two situations are completely separate.
Iron Man 2020
It is now 2019. Next year is 2020. We are getting a near-definitive Iron Man figure. These are all facts. There is absolutely no way we are not getting an Iron man 2020 for 2020. There is no way. None. Nope. Won’t even hear of it. Arno Stark will be shown off at SDCC this year. He will have gears on his shoulders and a super-grumpy helmet and he will look awesome. You don’t need hindsight to see that 2020 is the year of Arno. That makes sense if you squint.
I am going to say with certainty that we will see a Storm figure. But which one? The obviously superior First Appearance choice, or the less superior but still necessary Jim Lee look? And if it’s Jim Lee will it be the correct black, or will it be the completely wrong white or even wrongerererer silver? Even better, will it ignore all of that and be the OBVIOUSLY SUPERIOR First Appearance costume. Regardless of the costume, we will see a Storm figure at SDCC.
How many SDCC’s must come and go before we see a Squirrel Girl.? I know there are people that hate her, but those people have no taste. How can you have any pudding if you don’t have any taste? You can’t. Simple. Every year I think she’ll be shown. Every year there is no Squirrel Girl. Toy Fair, NYCC…at this point even if there was a Squirrelcon she wouldn’t show. I’m starting to feel like a broken record—or for the kids of today a “corrupted music file” I guess?–but come on, Hasbro. The wait for her is getting…
In fact, the wait has become so ridiculous that I am saying that this…this is the year. The wait is going to be over. Squirrel Girl will be shown, and I can stop mentioning her in articles.
That’s it. The article is already over because it’s a top three. You can stop waiting around for two more entries, because you have reached the end of our choices. This is only a top three, but it is a bedrock top three, the kind that you can lean on if you need to tie your shoe, or you can call in the middle of the night because you’re feeling a little lonely. This is a top three that will never let you down, will walk your dog for you when you’re out of town, will put gas in your car if he borrows it to go to the dentist, and remembers your birthday every year, without fail. Iron Man 2020, Storm and Squirrel Girl will be show at SDCC this year.
They have to be shown!