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Building the Perfect Classic Thor

I’m going to assume a brand new classic Thor is an inevitability. I tend to think of everything in toyland as a matter of not “if” but “when.” It’s a level of optimism I reserve only for toys. Which is why I still hold out hopes for Turner D. Century. It’ll be the year 2189 and all the toy companies will have merged into one brand—Hasmattfunknecamates–but his day will come.

But not Ultron. That dream is dead.

Thor is a movie star. Thor shows up regularly on screen with a set of abs that I, as a completely straight man, would eat ice cream off of, and does superheroic, movie star things. Thor is also one of the “big three” of the Marvel world, which includes Captain America and Iron man. He’s also a bonafide mythological hero, predating Marvel by a couple thousand years. That’s right, Stan and Jack were just plagiarists. You don’t see Iron Man with an entry in Bullfinch, do you? No you do not. At least not yet. Tony’s looking to buy his way into classic mythology. He’s already bought a constellation.

When classic Thor finally shows up—maybe at this SDCC, maybe at another one, maybe ten years from now—I have only one absolute demand. Don’t make him huge!! These previous oversized Thors that Hasbro has been making since that modern Thor they released at SDCC many years ago have been too big. The last two–old Thor and young Thor–were much, much better. They were made on the Hyperion-esque body except with the newly sculpted chest section that is the perfect size for Thorseseseses. He’s obviously powerful looking without towering over everyone. So start with that and we’ll be good. And then redo all the old Thors on a similar sized body, because the big bodies don’t work for me at all.

Like any figure, I’d love to get multiple heads. I’d want his regular head to be classically handsome. No barbarian-esque heads or…well…ugly heads. No uggo Thors!

Everybody in the Marvel Universe is currently wearing a beard or has had a beard within the past 6 months, but they’re all pretty much just copying Thor, who was one of the first to grow one a long time ago. Of course, he was copying Hercules, but Hercules insists he invented beards, so you really can’t win. Nevertheless, A second, bearded head seem mandatory nowadays, and if one was included with Thor, I’d actually buy a second one to keep bearded, instead of just tossing it in a bag full of bearded heads like I’ve been doing. I call it my Big Bag of Bearded Heads. I also trademarked that, so you can’t call yours that. Suck it!

A possible third head would be the half-robotic Clor head. Clor, Ragnarok, whatever you want to call him, it’s the cloned Thor which came from Civil War. Which was, to be blunt, a dumb story, but half-robotic heads can’t be all bad. It’s like the Terminator except with more God-ness. Thorinator. Which sounds like an energy drink, but you get my point.

The most important part of Thor is his hammer. One of the coolest hammer accessories I’ve seen is that spinning Mjolnir that came with the Marvel Select Thor. I was tempted to buy the figure just for that spinning hammer, but I’ve been waiting for ML to release a decently-sized Thor that came with the same thing. Any classic Thor release would have to have a mandatory spinning hammer accessory that he can hold. I have never seen a picture of any Thor holding that thing that looked less than completely awesome. Even just standing there like a boob, Thor looks as if he’s spinning his hammer. The static turned into the kinetic. Verily.

As for his regular hammer—I just want a nice, clean, plain one. I don’t want one overly stylized, or with too many chips and cracks and nicks and such. I think the recent Jane foster Thor had a nice, simple decently sized Hammer, but a new sculpt would be fine.

While I’m wishing for things, I’d probably like Thor to come with a fully articulated Donald Blake holding a cane. Yes, that’s right, I’m asking for a fully articulated, regular-sized, suited pack-in. That’s because when I was a kid I would go to other kids houses on their birthdays, make wishes and blow out their candles. You should have seen their faces. All your wishes are mine, bitches!

I…I didn’t get invited to many parties. At least, not twice.

Instead of a fully articulated pack-in Donald Blake figure, I suppose I could settle for some lightning effects that could attach to Mjolnir. You know, in addition to the three heads, the spinning hammer and the regular hammer…and Donald Blake.

Any day now…

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