Bork
Bork
Blargh.
If you’ve been collecting Diamond Select’s Muppets line, then you’ve no doubt heard the news that series 4 has been cancelled. Whether it’s a permanent cancellation or a temporary one is up to the benevolent toy deities that lay in steel molds somewhere. Knowing the fickle nature of the toy industry, I’m not completely optimistic over the chances of that fourth wave making it out. According to Diamond Select themselves, they are looking into alternate methods of getting them out, but still, I’m not going to keep my hopes up. I no longer get my hopes up. There’s no hope. No hope!
Don’t mind me, I’m still bitter over Thundercats.
Anyway, just in case there is an actual chance, I want to remind the world and Muppets fans just what we’re missing out on with that fourth wave. Let’s work on the assumption that it would be a mythical fourth and final wave. I never figured for an absolutely complete line, because it seems like the Muppets as a brand isn’t quite what it once was. That’s the way it goes, I guess.
The Swedish chef would leave a huge absence in a Muppets collection. His iconic gobbledygook speech pattern and his frantic cooking is completely inseparable from the overall Muppet experience. While he’s no Gonzo — and really, who is? — he’s still an invaluable and absolutely necessary component. Every Diamond Select Muppet has been a top notch figure without shortcutting articulation, and have not skimped on the accessories. These have been some of the biggest bargains in recent memory, often featuring not just one but two full characters per package along with a full compliment of necessary accompaniment. With the Swedish Chef you get Camilla the chicken and a table full of pots, pans and … whatnot. Can you do without this figure? No, you cannot, and neither can I.
Next up, we’ve been assembling a pretty great Electric mayhem, and this wave would have delivered two more members: the saxophone-tooting Zoot, and the keyboard-tickling Dr. Teeth. Animal, Floyd and Janice will be so damn lonely without their bandmates. It’s bad enough not getting a full cast, but not even getting a full band? We’re so close. We are soooooo close. You can tell how close we are by the amount of “o’s” I just used in the ordinarily two-letter word “so.” You can’t buy better measurements like that with a science club discount. Or a discount science club.
But kind of seriously: can you live in a world where yet another assortment of personalities is missing some key ingredients? Ingredients we can’t even put together, because we’re missing a chef. Yeah, I totally brought that back around. With discount science.
And finally, the last two members of this unfortunate wave. Sam the Eagle is yet another Muppet who doubles as an eyebrow conveyance machine. He was also Scrooge’s teacher. Was that a random fact that still manages to have a little bit of relevance? Yes it was, and it also reminds me I need a Michael Caine-as-Scrooge figure. I was almost hoping this line would continue on long enough to deliver one. The world doesn’t seem like it’s willing to give me an Alastair Sim Scrooge figure, so that would be at least second best.
And finally, Rizzo the Rat, a tough talking rodent. Can I live in a world where I have a Gonzo without Rizzo? That’s like Cagney without Lacey. Martin without Lewis. Carson without McMahon. Affleck without his hairpiece. I don’t have many articulated rats. I can’t even think of one. Do I have a Splinter? No, I don’t think I have a Splinter. So yeah, Rizzo not only fills a vital role in Muppet history, but also in my collection.
Essentially, and I could have spared a lot of people’s time by just saying this first, these figures must come out. Some way. Some how. I can’t just stop at three waves and an incomplete Electric Mayhem. I didn’t jump on the Palisades line, so I was all in with this one. It can’t end here. It just can’t!
Who’s with me!1!!!!
