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Pre-ordering Is the Method in Which the Past Donkey-Punches the Future

I just looked through my Pile of Loot. Don’t ever look through your pile of loot if you want to feel financially responsible.

It is very easy to pre-order something. It is especially easy if you don’t want to be the dumbest man in the world and feel the prick of the words “SOLD OUT” staring at you. Pre-ordering is a few pushes of a button, and then you wait. No money out of pocket, no stress, you can just put it out of your mind.

I have preorders at Big Bad Toy Store, Dorkside, and AmiAmi. Technically that’s not terrible, as it’s only three stores. The thing about pre-orders is that when you do it, you usually do it for one thing, or maybe two or three. At least, that’s the way it is for me. I don’t go off on a pre-ordering spree. One here. One there.

It doesn’t seem like a lot when you do it that way. But then, when you go back and actually look at the list of things you have pre-ordered — that’s when it sinks in.

I like too much stuff.

I mean, I just really like stuff. And the thing about “liking stuff” is that THERE IS AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF STUFF. We have been making stuff since the dawn of man. At some point there was a dude with no vocabulary that had a stick and a rock, and there was another dude with a bit too much body hair that liked that stick and that rock, so he pre-ordered one for himself, and that was when commerce began.

I have so many sticks and rocks pre-ordered, man. Just … and I know it’s probably less than some. Maybe less than most. Maybe about even. I don’t know, it’s not a contest. It’s a eulogy. A eulogy for my monies.

A while back I did an article on the fact that I’d buy a Michael Jordan Figuarts, despite not being a basketball fan. Then Enterbay shows off a swanky 1:9 scale Michael Jordan that does everything I’d want a Jordan figure to do.

1:9?

What the hell kind of scale is that? You know how many things I have that are 1:9 scale? Neither do I. But the point is, it’s weird. It’s weird, is what it is, but I pre-ordered the damn thing, because it looked spooky good. I guess Michael Jordan can play a game of one on one with my Play Arts Rorschach figure that’s also 1:9.

I’ve also always wanted a James Bond line. Is anybody doing one in 1:12? Of course not. But a company called Big Chief Studios is making a line of 1:6 Bond figures.

I mean, it’s not 1:12, but I pre-ordered them like my life depended on it. Bond, Goldfinger, and Oddjob. Oddjob! Otherwise known as the guy that brought a m*********ing hat to a Bond fight. Otherwise known as the baddest man on the planet. We’re talking hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of stuff here. But paying for them is a problem for 4th quarter release date to worry about. That’s not my problem. Screw you, 4th quarter bankruptcy! You’re probably sleeping with my wife anyway.

Mezco is another pre-order paradise that can quickly turn into amount-due Armageddon. Oh cool, Spider-Man, Superman, black costume Spider-Man, Deadpool, pre-order pre-order pre-order. What do I care? That’s tomorrow’s problem!

Hot Toys life-size groot? Adorable! Pre-order!

The weirdest thing is when I find something on the list I don’t even remember pre-ordering, like the literally every single upcoming Storm Collectibles Street Fighter figures. Apparently once I had one in hand I went on a psycho pre-ordering spree (wait, I thought I didn’t do those? Stupid continuity errors!) for the rest of them. Of course I did. Why the hell wouldn’t I?

And this is just on the domestic side. If I look at my foreign pre-orders, where every figure runs higher in price per item, it gets even scarier. Figuarts was getting enough of my money, but now those Yamaguchi Revoltechs are doing the checkbook Charleston all over my body.

But that just doesn’t stop me. I see the figure, and I punch the buttons. Pre-order! Pre-order! Pre-order! Not my problem. That’s some other sucker’s problem, months and months from now. Screw that guy!

Until the month arrives and the in-stock notifications come in, and I’m all fist-shaking at that guy from the past that got me into this mess. Screw that guy!

What about you? Yeah, that’s right, you. The one who just said “me?” I’m talking to you. Are you on speaking terms with yourself from the past, or is that filthy, impulsive robber screwing you over with every click of the pre-order button?

2 thoughts on “Pre-ordering Is the Method in Which the Past Donkey-Punches the Future

  1. I’m the same exact way, lol. The one time I second guessed myself and decided to “cancel” some of my pre-order(s), SHF Kylo Ren Unmasked came and went. Now he’s $75 more than I would’ve paid and climbing. Play arts Final Fantasy XV Prompto came and went, could’ve got him for $129.99, now he’s $229+. Since then, pre-order now and decide when the time gets more near if I truly need or if I can predict stock issues.

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