Hey Marvel fans! Take my hand and let’s pretend a little bit. Yeah, ok, you can let go of my hand, that’s just weird. How about we stand around together without making eye contact. Now… that’s better. Imagine the greatest thing you can think of. Well, this won’t be that, but it’s the next best thing: action figure box set. Sure they don’t always work, they don’t always come packed to the poop-chute with the greatest selection of figures, and the execution isn’t always the greatest, but if all those various elements can come together, you’ve got gold.
I’m picturing a box set that even the hardest of hearts would have to soften a bit in the presence of, and if they don’t then they’re just doing it wrong. I’m picturing a box set that explodes at just the right time when the three characters in that box are at the zenith of their fame. I’m picturing something awesome.
I’m also picturing you in your underwear, but that’s because public speaking makes me nervous.
It’s a box set of Thor, Iron Man, and Captain America — all in their classic costumes, all together, on the updated awesome Hasbro bodies, with snazzy-as-crap accessories. Why is something like this not happening? I don’t know either. Is it fashionable to blame communism anymore? Is that a thing?
Imagine Thor, a Thor built on the Hyperion-sized body, a Thor that isn’t just another iteration of that oversized and poorly articulated body they keep pooping Thors out on. This third attempt at the classic costume and first from Hasbro couldn’t possibly fail if done with love. And you know what I want with him? Something that should come standard with every Thor figure now: a smaller version of that swanky-as-hell swinging hammer accessory that came with the Diamond Select Thor. Yeah, the Internet stopped dead in its tracks when that debuted, and pretty much everybody that has ever held a camera has taken a picture of their Thor fake-swinging his hammer. No Thor would ever be complete without it. The Hyperion body is tailor-made for a new Thor, and I don’t care who has problems with that body, I’ll just say it: you’re weird. Yes, his pecs are odd, but he poses like a demon and every toy built on that base is superfun.
Now, imagine Captain America. You know, I’m not really sure I want him on the new Grim Reaper body. I think the Bucky Cap body is perfectly fine for him. Mainly I don’t really want Cap to tower over USAgent. But regardless, classic Cap would also be getting his third time at bat and yet first time under Hasbro — that other one doesn’t count. For accessories, I’m thinking that, other than his shield, Cap could come with a variation on Thor’s swinging hammer. Imagine maybe three shields connected by the same kind of transparent effect on that swinging Hammer, except making it look like he’s just tossed his shield. Imagine the pictures of Cap tossing that tri-shield effect and hitting Baron Zemo, Red Skull, or some Hydra or AIM agents. Pretty cool, no? Pretty cool, yes.
Up next and last in this imaginary yet awesome box set is Iron Man in his traditional classic costume. Hasbro already made an attempt at this one, but it was too small and didn’t feature their new ankle articulation. I want an Iron Man with at least as much body girth as the Bleeding Edge Iron Man, which is my new standard for how large and playable Iron man action figures should be. Some of the new Grim Reaper body may work for this, with newly sculpted parts, or they might have to make him from nothing. It’s not like they couldn’t get a ton of use out of an Iron Man body. Just make it the right size; Iron Man should not look puny beside any of the other Avengers. Give him an alternate Tony Stark head, some repulsor blasts that plug into his palms, an alternate pair of fists (feel free to give any or all of these guys a pair of alternate fists. Every toy from now until the end of time should come with a pair of alternate fists), and some jet flames that plug into his boots.
That’s it. I could fill up a wish list with remaining Avengers that I’d want (Wonder Man, Captain Marvel, Dr. Druid (?)) but I’m thinking top selling A-listers right now. And no, these A-listers are not ones you can take a snooze on and find some way to screw up so we’ll have to buy them again (the Pizza Spider-Man syndrome — don’t tell me you didn’t do that on purpose). These A-listers will be perfect and will guarantee sales from the legions of Marvel fans waiting for the greatest versions of these Mighty Avengers. You’ll make millions off of it, Hasbro. Guaranteed! That’s not hyperbolic at all because I’d personally buy about 400 crapjillion sets, pending loan approval.
This would be the Greatest Box Set Never Made.
