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Looking Back At – Slaughter Steelgrave

Since toys are for playing, The following is a “play” in one act.

I apologize for the horrible horrible pun.

A motley group of mismatched and angry looking people sit around a very (very) large room. A large robot with a cone shaped head picks up a gavel and bangs it on the podium.

Cy-kill: This meeting of the League of 80’s toy villains will now come to order.

Miles Mayhem: Hey, whoa whoa whoa…who let you be in charge? If anybody should be in charge, it should be me. Miles Mayhem. I mean, just listen to my name! It rolls off the tongue. Mayhem…that’s twice as evil as your name. It’s not ridiculous like yours!

Megatron: The Fleshling has a point. What’s with the Go-bot acting like he’s in charge? Surely Megatron should be in charge.

Cobra Commander: Yesssss, who let this inssssipid motorccccycle in here in the first place?

Megatron: You sound like this backstabbing dweeb I work with. Only with more hissing. You should shut up now.

Cobra Commander: Try and make me you oversssssized waffle iron.

Skeletor: Look how badass I am. I have a freakin’ skull for a face. Surely that says evil leader!

Mumm-Ra: People, people, please, can we get this meeting going, I’ve got jazzercise class in fifty minutes!

Mon*starr: Snicker. Jazzercise.

Mumm-ra: You dare snicker at Mumm-ra the ever living?

Mon*starr: Mumm-Ra? What are you, like a mummy cheerleader?

Mumm-ra: Like your name’s any better. Shouldn’t you be giving some lost guy directions?

Mon*starr: That’s OnStar you son of a bitch!

A fight breaks out, but it’s broken up before too much damage is done. Cy-Kill pounds his gavel until order is restored. Pounding his gavel is not a euphemism for anything else. This time.

Megatron: Clearly this was a bad idea.

Cobra Commander: yesssssssss

Big Boss: (pounding the table) well, somebody’s got to lead. I’m the Big Boss here, I say I lead.

Miles Mayhem: Being a fatass is not a leadership skill.

Big Boss: I’ve got Big Bones!

a fight breaks out, but it’s again broken up before too much damage is done. Meanwhile, Cy-kill “pounds his gavel”.

Wink wink

Skeletor: Oh good grief, the bike’s masturbating again.

Cobra Commander: Thissss issss getting ussss nowhere. We need to determine a leader, and we need to do it now.

Megatron: Shut up, Starscream!

Cobra Commander: I am not Sssssstarsssscream!!!

Megatron: Whine more!

A fight breaks out. Megatron steps on Cobra Commander

Miles Mayhem: Well then. Can somebody clean that up?

Cobra Commander: Wassss a maaaaannnn…*dies*

Megatron: Bitch better recognize.

Cy-kill: o…k then. Fine, if we can’t agree on a leader, then we need to go around the room and name our greatest triumph. Maybe that will help choose. All in favor?

a unanimous “Aye” goes up.

Cy-kill: Fine. Kingpin, you go first

Big Boss: That’s Big Boss.

Cy-kill: Whatever.

Big Boss: Ok. Listen up you mugs. I had the top cop in my city gunned down, see?

Murmurs of admiration.

Cy-kill: so…you actually defeated your nemesis?

Big Boss: Well, he survived, and through surgery became bulletproof, and effectively unstopable. Or close to it.

Cy-Kill: Right. Next. Mumm-ra?

Mumm-ra: I used to be old and decrepit, but made a deal to get this bitchin’ muscular body for free!

Cy-Kill: So your greatest victory was…muscles?

Mumm-ra: Without having to use one of those Chuck Norris things!

Cy-Kill: Uh-huh. Skeletor?

Skeletor: I had sex with Teela

Megatron: you totally did not.

Skeletor: PROVE I DIDN’T!

Cy-Kill: Right. Mon*starr?

Mon*starr: um…pass.

Cy-Kill: Pass? You can’t pass

Mon*starr: I said pass!

Cy-Kill: Fine. Miles Mayhem?

Miles Mayhem: I stole that bastard Matt Trakker’s MASK tech and created a criminal organization to do…eeeeevil!

Cy-Kill: And then?

Miles Mayhem: Eeeeeevil!

Cy-Kill: Megatron, what about you?

Megatron: I killed Optimus Prime, my sworn enemy, and then got a sweet upgrade. Who’s got the Touch now? Boo-yah!

Cy-Kill: What did you do after that?

Megatron: oh…er…um…he got better…I didn’t. It’s a sordid story.

Cy-Kill: I see. Well…you’re all quite lame. I however, am a motorcycle, so I win.

Miles Mayhem: (pointing back into the shadows) you forgot this guy back here

Cy-Kill: Oh, I didn’t know there was somebody left. Hey, you back there. What’s your name?

The “guy back there” stands up, and walks into the light. A robotic lifeform, with something sharp in his chest.

Guy back there
: My name’s…Slaughter Steelgrave

Cy-Kill: Slaughter Steelgrave!

Megatron: Slaughter Steelgrave!

Skeletor: Slaughter Steelgrave!

Big Boss: Slaughter Steelgrave!

Mumm-Ra: Slaughter Steelgrave!

Mon*starr: Slaughter Steelgrave!

Miles Mayhem: Slaughter Steelgrave!

Captain Kirk: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!

blank stares

Cy-kill: ok, who the hell let that guy in here. Throw him out!

Mumm-ra and Mon*starr toss CaptainKirk out.

Cy-Kill: Ok, now that we know your name very well, what’s your greatest accomplishment?

Slaughter steelgrave: Keeping the facts of mankind’s existence a secret for years while simultaneously enslaving all those who opposed me and making them do menial tasks while I obliterated anybody who gave me guff. And cheating at Scrabble.

Cy-Kill: Dude.

Megatron: Dude.

Big Boss: Dude.

Skeletor: Dude.

Mumm-Ra: Dude.

Mon*starr: Dude.

Miles Mayhem: Dude.

Hurley: Dude.

Cy-kill: ok, now who the hell let that guy in here. Throw him out also!!

Cy-kill: Well…I think it’s obvious who our new leader should be. I hand the gavel over to Slaughter Steelgrave now with complete admiration.

The end

 

The preceding ode to the badassness that is Slaughter Steelgrave was completely factual in all respects.

For those unfamiliar, Starriors was a toyline released by Tomy in 1984, and was an offshoot of another toyline called Zoids. Basically, the same way that Transformers were spliced off of an existing line to draw in American fans, so were Starriors. However, Starriors didn’t fare as well. Where Transformers got a 4 issue limited series that was then expanded into an 80 issue series, and had numerous cartoons…Starriors had a 4 issue series, and…no cartoon. To make matters worse, at no point in their comic did anybody ever say “Staaaarriors…come out and plaaaayaaaaay!”

Pity.

 That 4 issue series was surprisingly good for a toy tie in. It had more depth than usually given to such things. Traitors, light philosophy, shades of grey, existentialism, plus some harsh deaths. Plus it had Slaughter Steelgrave. A name that you can only imagine coming with explosions and light and fireworks. Kind of like Dirk Diggler’s name. In that movie. With Heather Graham. On skates. And nothing else. Oh yes.

What were we talking about?

Oh, right…

 

Mr. Steelgrave had what he called a “vibro-chisel” in his chest. I guess in the post apocalyptic future the Starriors lived in, there was a lot of paint to scrape off the walls and windows, and it had to be done VERY QUICKLY. Most Starriors had pointy weapons in their chest, except for Hotshot, who had twin lasers. Quite phallic. The others were all short range weapons. Which apparently meant a lot of hugging when they fought. This was actually where the expression “hug it out, bitch” started.

Man had left robots in charge, and had put themselves into a state of suspended animation, but so much time passed, their existence became nothing more than myth except to a select few.Worst retirement package ever. The only clue to their existence was the
fact that the Starriors’ “brains” were actually in the shape of a
humanoid figure. Subtle.

 No detectives, these Starriors.

 

Other than the fact that their limbs were easily removable which meant they had a tendency to come apart when you played with them, the toyline itself was very cool. It had plenty of body reuse so it could easily be made into an updated toyline nowadays and catch on. It has robots. Kids love robots. Hell, adults love robots.

And it had Slaughter Steelgrave. A name so badass that even Darth Vader is pissed at the Emperor for not naming him “Darth Steelgrave”.

 

 

 

 

 


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