The Thing is my favorite Marvel character. The reason for this is very simple: he makes everything better. There is nothing in the Marvel Universe that cannot be made improved with a liberal dash of the Thing added to the mix. His pragmatic, relatable and down-to-earth viewpoint provides just the right touch of world-weary grumpiness to every situation.
The benefit of a character like the Thing is that you can throw him into any situation and he fits right in. From high concept cosmic adventures featuring abstract characters, to grounded real-world adventures like muggings and bank-robberies, the Thing remains the same. As evidenced by 100 issues of Marvel Two-In-One and countless other stories, you can team him up with anybody else in the MU and find the story.
Anybody with a favorite character has a very definite way of how they want them to be presented. Especially with a character like the Thing, whose design falls under the sliding scale of “artistic interpretation.” Because I have a specific view on how I want the Thing portrayed, I was prepared to be disappointed by the upcoming Walgreens Thing. The rest of the team was skewing towards slightly modern takes and modern takes on the Thing present him differently than how I prefer him.
However, even though I don’t have him in hand yet, I have come to accept that this Thing—while not my ideal—is still a really good version. I have been through a rollercoaster of opinions, from outright disgust upon the first promo shot, to cautious optimism when packaged shots started showing up, to where I am now after Veebee’s recent review, which I’d say is enthusiasm. He’s not my ideal in terms of rock-style, and he’s still a little too tall, but overall I can’t wait to have him in hand. In hindsight, I should have picked him up from one of the foreign sites when he started showing up, but I am an idiot. If I were a rap star, my name would be Notorious D.U.M.
But how many do I need?
While waiting for him to start flooding Walgreens, I’ve been mentally preparing for how many Things I’m going to have to buy in order to satiate my Thing desires.
I know I need one to keep as is, because as a figure, it’s not bad at all, and serves a version of the character very well.
In addition to the factory fresh original one, I am certain I’ll be getting another one to shorten, and completely resculpt with the flat plates that my ideal Thing has. My ideal is a mixture of John Byrne, Jack Kirby and Ron Wilson. I think if I remove a little height out of the legs and maybe the torso, that will bring him down to where I’d want him. He would keep the longer arms. A resculpt would get rid of the pronounced pecs that I just don’t care for on the Thing. So yeah, that’s going to keep me busy, but not busier than the the third I’ll need, which is to make…
Spiked Thing!
Hasbro will never make this. That’s not a condemnation of them, but more a realization that this is a niche-level version of the Thing and probably has very few fans. But I love it. I have loved it from the first moment it appeared in the comics. I loved Ben’s reaction to yet another mutation to his already inhuman form, and the resulting power boost he received from it, as shown in a fight with the Grey Hulk where Ben made him his bitch. Trying to keep him fully articulated while also getting that spiked look down will no doubt drive me insane, but I have to have this version of him.
I’ll need a fourth to make the less rocky, more muddy version from his initial appearances. While I loved that Toybiz tried to give us a First Appearance Thing, I was never happy with a lot of that figure, from the cereal textue to the screaming expression.
And, I haven’t decided for sure, but I might need a fifth to make a She-Thing. Which means a Thing with boobs. That’s terrifying, but if you’re going to go Thing-crazy, go Thing-crazy all the way.
So all in all, It’s very possible I’m going to need five Things. But I’m not done yet, because I am still going to need some alternate heads. Hasbro is providing two heads with the Thing, but the head with exposed teeth is worthless to me, so I’ll have plenty of extra, betoothed heads lying around that I can use to make the heads I want.
I need one open mouth head without teeth for when he’s about to commence with the clobbering time.
I need one closed mouth head with a cigar. Marvel has gone on a no-smoking policy, robbing Logan, Nick fury and the Thing of their stogies. On the one hand, as a non-smoker, I can kind of respect that, on the other, there’s something iconic about Ben puffing on a cigar that I need to have.
I need a scarred head, for when Wolverine slashed Ben’s face (rude) and he started turning into something out of a Cronenberg movie.
Similar to that, I need a bucket-head, because the Thing’s solution to having a slashed face was to start wearing a bucket. We’ve all been there, right? I’m wearing one right now!
None of this takes into consideration costume variations, but I’m hoping that Hasbro wants to get as much mileage as they can out of this body, and makes him in various colors, or gives him pants for those looks. If not, I might have to buy a spare just to do that to him also.
Damn, I’m starting to lose track of how many Things I need.
Basically, once he starts hitting either the website or stores, I’m going to be grabbing Things like a horny octopus at the Playboy mansion.
So how many do you need? Are you insane like me and need multiples, or are you fine with just one? Should we run a regular column titled “Show Us Your Thing!” for Thing customs? Am I getting dirty looks from the rest of the fwoosh staff right now?