If you’ve been hiding under a particularly large rock for the last couple of months, then you may not know that Fwoosh is currently running a Kickstarter to have a series of ninja action figures produced. It is an exciting time all around. It seems like ninjas are on everyone’s mind, which is good for us, but bad for ninjas because they’re trying to keep a low profile while everybody continues to insistently talk about them. Which means ninjas are the polar opposite of the Kardashians, a fact that can be scientifically proven with science.
However, it occurs to one that maybe not everyone is into ninjas. I know, I know, you think to yourself, “Silent, highly trained engines of death — how can that not be universally appealing?” Well, it happens.
But let’s say you’re not into ninjas, but you really want to support Fwoosh. Let’s say you’re a Fwoosher. Let’s say you’re not a Fwoosher but enjoy the site. Let’s say you want me to stop saying “let’s say.” In today’s topsy-turvy world there are ways to support Fwoosh by buying a ninja (or two, or three, or more!) while still being unimpressed by merciless assassins dressed in what seems to be the most comfortable clothes ever.
So let’s take a look at the top five uses for a ninja action figure for those who just don’t care about the greatest thing ever.
Starting with the least expensive option, if you buy just one Ninja, you could use him as —
Bookmark Ninja
You read, right? Like, actual books, with pages and everything. I’m sure there are still some of you out there. Well, you probably get tired either searching for a scrap of paper or dog-earing your fresh, clean books. You’d like something a little more permanent. Also, something a little more visible than that folded post-it note that drops under the bed and you can’t find. It’s hard to remember what page you were on. So why not grab a ninja to use as a handy-dandy bookmark? I know, you don’t have to tell me that’s a genius idea. I already know.
But say you’re not a reader. Or maybe you don’t think spending that much money on a bookmark is practical or ideal. I guess you’re entitled to that opinion. But if you don’t read that much, then I know you have to be into dental hygiene. So therefore, I bring you option two:
Ninja Toothbrush
Everyone brushes their teeth. Okay, almost everybody. You know as well as I do that teeth get dirty. We eat stuff, we get stuff stuck in there. Maybe you don’t want the plaque to know you’re coming after it. If you want to kill tartar, the most effective thing to send after it is a toothbrush ninja. Ergonomically sound, colorful, and a great way to get the kids into brushing, which means you’ll need multiple ninjas. Give gingivitis a roundhouse kick with your toothbrush ninja today. Requires one ninja, one toothbrush, and glue.
Giving a fancy dinner party? Inviting over that special lady for an intimate candlelit dinner? Lost power and have never heard of flashlights? Well, option three will appeal to you. For you, we you can use your ninja figure as a . . .
Ninja Candlestick Holder.
Nothing says “Feudal Japan” like wax running down the faces of immortal killers. With color choices ranging from red to black to white, this is an attractive option that can dress up any living room or place setting.
Speaking of that special lady . . . you really dig her. Yeah, you think she’s the cat’s meow. The bee’s knees. The dog’s . . . dinner. You really think she’s keen, is what I’m saying. Why don’t you show her how much you care by giving her something right from the heart?
The Ninja Bouquet
Flowers? Flowers die. But the ninja is immortal. Also, high quality plastic. So this is the gift that will last forever. Look at the way those colors play against each other. Ain’t no “roses” or “tulips” gonna give you that kind of razzmatazz. You won’t find colors like that in nature. But you will . . . in ninja.
We’ve been pretty thrifty with our choices so far. A little bold here or there, but nothing that would break the bank. But we’re going to kick it in high gear for our top choice. This is the option that will show just what kind of man you are. You are a highly fashionable man of tomorrow who wants to look his best. You are a forward thinking self-aware dynamo who is confident with himself and at ease with the world around him. And you are a daring individual who wants to show off that confidence through sartorial display.
You want the Ninja Shirt, Tie, and Jacket Combo
Yes, this will cost you. But this . . . this is fashion of tomorrow. You don’t have to love ninjas or action figures or anything of the kind to dress yourself in this resplendent package. All you have to know is that nobody will be taking their eyes off of you when you strut into Starbucks for your daily half-caf lattecinofrappalappadingdong. And when you walk into work with this on, everyone will know that you are there.
Nobody will mess with a man wearing this on the subway.
Nobody.
Take a peek at ARTICULATED ICONS on Kickstarter and find out how ninja can change your life.
