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Top Five Most-Wanted Marvel Cinematic Universe Action Figures

I’m going to make a statement right now, and I don’t want anyone to suddenly erupt in fits of jealousy: I have watched and enjoyed each and every one of the official Marvel Cinematic Universe movies.

I know. This, coupled with my unbridled sexiness, is enough to make anyone blush below the belt. But it’s true. We are in the middle of something that has never been done before in film history to this extent. There have been several lengthy film series that have followed the adventures of a single individual—Bond, Zatoichi, Nicholas Cage’s hairpiece–but a multi-character film structure like this is a huge accomplishment. I get that it has its detractors, but, and I want to stress this: that’s cool and all but nobody cares.

Now, that’s not to say that there haven’t been weaker films in the past ten years. I can say honestly that I enjoyed Thor: Dark World while I was watching it in the same way you can enjoy watching two squirrels humping but right now can’t remember the plot other than thinking that Thor would have been much happier with the Kat Dennings character, whose pillowy bosoms doth bespeak the idle charms of Valhalla, instead of the Natalie Portman character, whose wooden personality doth seem plucked straight from the barken skin of Yggdrasil itself. Yggdrasil being the stuff Asgardian teens put on their faces to clear up zits.

Verily and such.

At one point, if you had told me I’d be actually asking for movie figures, I’d have slapped you in the face so hard your ears would have switched sides. But that was mainly back when they were making toys for movies such as X-Men 3, a movie that featured bowling sound effects when the Juggernaut ran people over. A Juggernaut that was played by a grumpy soccer player. I can’t tell which of the previous statements is more baffling.

But things are different now. Maybe I’m older and wiser. Well, I’m wiser, but I’m no older. Ok, you can skip the wiser also. But I have a lot of toys so I think I won this little disagreement. When the MCU figures first started trickling out I was all “nah, dude, I’m cool without them” but then I was all “well, maybe this one, because the movie was cool” and then I was all “well, I’m buying the entire wave anyway, I might as well” and now I’m all “making a top five list of MCU toys I want.”

Some people actually speak like that.

I’m not fanatical about the movie toys. I skip quite a few, either from lack of interest or…something. I don’t have a Hemsworth Thor figure at all, for instance. I don’t have a Loki. I need to put together a Cull Obsidian BAF to go with the upcoming “other angry aliens,” which is their official name. I don’t have a Dr. Strange. That is probably Wong, because I like Sherlock Strange, so I should probably get one.

As you can see, I put a lot of “thought” into what I do and do not get. Meaning, no thought at all. Basically, I go where my whims lead me. Don’t you love the word “basically?” It pretty much says “screw you, you wasted your valuable time reading all this crap above this word, when you should have started here.” The word basically is the seventh inning stretch of articles.

Anyway, I go where the cool toys lead me. I hate Chris Pratt and yet I have several of his figures. But I keep the damn helmet on. Because I really don’t like that guy.

So without further stuff and such, here are the top five MCU figures I’d actually like. These are in no order, because all the cool kids are doing it:

Ghost

Ghost in the MCU is a she. I just watched Ant Man and the Wasp and this character is on the front of my brain, so she gets to be up first. Ghost uses the same general phasing shtick as her male comic counterpart, but kind of differentish. The design was a great translation and the phase-shifting/shrinking-growing fight scenes were pulled off very well. I have Ant-man and I need to pick up wasp, so a Ghost to go with them would be super. I just opened up my Ant-man/Yellowjacket set the other day, and Yellowjacket features one of the best MCU villain designs by far, so a Ghost to go with them seems like an easy match.

Stan Lee

Stan Lee was on the table, but then his BAF was cancelled or whatever it was that happened. I was one of those looking forward to getting a Stan Lee. Not only has he appeared in all of these damned movies, but he’s an icon. I know all the backstory and shadiness that goes on in the comic world regarding Stan Lee, but in the end I really don’t care about all of that because it still would have been a nice figure. He’s had a figure or two before (once in the Masters of the Universe line, which is still all types of boggling) but a new one on a better body would have been nice. Maybe one day.

Now let’s all pause while you ponder the fact that I used up a precious top five slot on an old man.

Whiplash

So many people seem to hate Iron man 2. Even more people seem to hate Iron Man 3. This is why I try not to associate with people. But regardless of your feelings on the second movie: Mickey Rourke.

Mickey Rourke, y’all!

In these days of non-bendable tentacles and such, I don’t have much hope for really cool bendable whippy things, but I’d still like a really cool figure of his mid-movie wakkachow look, just because…well, like I said: Mickey Rourke. I’m not going to give you more reasons than that.

Armored Thanos

Now, Jazzercise Thanos made a lot more sense in the context of the movie than it did when all we were seeing was a decidedly de-armored Thanos, especially after spending so many movies all duded up, but I’d still like a decent, fully armored up version of Thanos, the one that kept showing up here and there and going “peekaboo” before finally showing off what he could do in all his purple, wrinkle-chinned splendor, which was make Hulk piss himself.

Kaecilius

His name sounds like it would be a really gross vegetable. “Kaecilius stew for dinner!” “Aw mooooom!!” But my motives for this one are pretty basic: I just don’t have enough (any) Mads Mikkelson figures. The dude kicks ass. Hannibal. Bond Villain. Marvel Baddie. Death Star designer. Plus I’d love to see how well that nifty eye makeup could be pulled off. It would make me buy a Dr. Strange figure, which I really need to do anyway, but this would give me more of a reason to do it. And I’d buy a Mordo also. Okay, I essentially skipped that entire wave. I have no idea why.

Honorable mention: Heimdall

So that’s what I’d like. There are no doubt a lot more holes than that, but rules are rules, and this is a top five.