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Building the Perfect Classic Iron Man

With the recent trend of Iron Man armors that actually look like someone other than 90s-era Kate Moss could fit inside, now is the time to start knocking out some of those older armors that are desperately in need of a redo. For me, while I have a decent list of armors that have either never been done before or have been victims of unsatisfying efforts, no potential armor redo is more anticipated than the classic bronze age red and gold/yellow.

I started reading Iron Man firmly in what has become known as the bronze age of comics, and because of that, my “instinct view” of a character—the image that pops into my mind upon somebody mentioning a character’s name—is, for the most part, based around their bronze age appearance. So even though iron Man has been through approximately a billion armors over the years, with more and more being added almost daily, my instinct view of Iron Man is that classic red and yellow armor.

Hasbro has made an attempt at a classically styled armor before, but that armor, like many of Hasbro’s efforts of the time, suffers in many ways, most notably articulation and size. In short, it’s short. Robert Downey Jr. might be able to squeeze into that armor, but Tony Stark wouldn’t. It is so short that many people have kept the ToyBiz armor in their displays, despite that figure being 16 years old.

A child born the same year as the release of ToyBiz’s classic Iron man can now legally drive. Put that in the fanny pack of your mind and walk around with it a while.

Jeez.

Hasbro is doing some good work nowadays, righting some past wrongs and releasing some great figures. They’re not all winners–Spider-Ham will enrage me until the day I die–but they have shown that they can do excellent work. I would hope—feverishly hope—that if they brough out a classic Iron Man, it would punch every single button. Mezco has a version of that armor coming out, and I’m on it like a bonnet, but that one has the signature “Mezco detailing” that, while nifty, keeps it from beng the pure, streamlined goodness that I truly want in my classic Iron Man. Plus, it’s expensive, and not everybody is going to want to “shell” out for an 80 dollar figure.

See, “shell,” because shellhead…

Ahem.

Anyway, if a new classic Iron Man is made and they keep him at the sizing of the recent figures (that weren’t a part of the vintage wave, at least) then he should be about perfect.

Speaking of perfect, trying to find that in a toy release is a little insane, but if we are talking “perfect world” situation, then I’d want characters like these—the company lynchpins–to be overflowing with extras. I don’t want to go through the “buy the same figure with incremental changes” thing. I want to get a great, complete figure right off the bat.

I am aware that doesn’t happen too often, though.

So to that end, here’s what the perfect classic Iron Man would have:

Multiple heads.

For this, at minimum, I’d want the regular helmet, the horned helmet, the helmet with a nose (because armor can smell, duh) a Tony stark head and a Rhodey head, for that time when Tony was drunk out of his mind for long periods of time and Rhodey had to wear the armor.

Bonus points if the helmet looks like a human head could fit inside, of course. If I had to lose one, the helmet with a nose is the one I’d drop from the list, but the rest would really spice the figure up.

Multiple hands.

Fists would be mandatory, but then I think that of everyone. Repulsor hands are another absolute must have for Iron man armors. They can come with those repulsor effects recent figures have had. They’re not totally necessary for me, but people dig that kind of thing. Finally, I’d like a pair of neutral hands, and maybe one with a finger pointing, for when he’d use his finger-laser to burn through things. I realize this is Hasbro and not Figuarts, so that last one might be pushing it. But at minimum, fists, repulsor and neutral hands would be great.

Boot options

Here is where some bootjet blast effects could be used. I’d be more likely to use them if I happened to pose him in midflight than I would repulsor blasts. Why? I don’t know, I’m weird that way. Also, and more importantly, if there are holes in his boots for the insertion of blast effects, then this would be a perfect way to also include a pair of plug-in roller skates. Because Iron man was a damn disco dynamo, donchuknow?

I think the most important part of all of this is that Hasbro needs to prepare for 2020, which is only two years away. See, it is my belief that if we don’t get an Iron Man 2020 figure—an armor based around the classic armor–in the year 2020, then literally nothing that has ever happened in the history of the planet has made a damn lick of sense. While I would rather not wait that long, I understand that Hasbro is a cruel mistress and will play that game to its bitter end. The wait will be soothed if, in the interim, they release an excellent classic Iron man. But yes, I am absolutely expecting Hasbro to make an Iron man 2020 to be released in 2020, because to not do such a thing is just wrong on so many levels.

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