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The Dr. and the Walrus. Hopefully Coming Soon to a Black Series Near You

Obi-Wan Kenobi: mild-mannered desert hermit with a bitchin’ Krayt dragon call, or psychotic, steel-nerved arm-barber? There are two characters that have a very definite opinion on this subject: Ponda Baba and Dr. Evazan.  And it’s time they made their 6-inch debut.

When old Ben warned Luke that Mos Eisley was a wretched hive of scum and villainy, Luke probably said to himself “whatever, dude, I’ve seen Jawas mate, plus I just saw the charred remains of my Aunt and Uncle, I’ll be fine.” So, brimming with cocksure arrogance, Luke strode into Chalmun’s Cantina and immediately got himself face-to-face-that-looks-like-a-hemmorhoid with some pretty bad intergalactic mofos.

Incapable of knowing when he’s in over his head–because Luke at this point in his life was kind of an idjit–Luke didn’t much care how many systems testicle-face and Steve Buscemi’s uglier cousin had the death sentence in. Luke probably wanted a good cup of warm Tusken Raider Pee, or whatever it was Cantina Bob sold in there.

If Ben had been a little less observant, or had thought for just a moment “yeah…he…he’ll be fine” while heading to what had to be the worst toilet on Tatooine, (EwanMcGregorYoungObi-WanTrainspottingreference!) then our story would have ended there. Beavis and Buttchin would have no doubt eviscerated Luke. That’s their shtick, really. They bump into people, tell them to watch out, and then proceed to sucker-gank people.

But instead, Ben knew that Luke, though the son of Vader and quite strong in the force, was the kind of dingbat that wandered into Sandpeople country with a big sign that said “I hate Tuskies” just because Biggs dared him too. So he kept an eye on him, just in case.

Now, up until this point, Ben hadn’t really done anything. Sure, he had scared off some Sandpeople, and the holographic message had vaguely hinted that he had done some things a long long time ago. He had done some mind trick thingie, but other than that, there was no sign that he could do anything other than fart dust. Dude was old, is what I’m saying.

But then vroop vorm wakkachow!

Old hermit Ben Kenobi was suddenly transformed into Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-wan loosely translating to “I know everybody in here outnumbers me thirty to one and most of you have two or more arms but I have a damn sword made out of lasers and plasma and other science fantasy stuff and I’m also a Jedi Master type of dude who likes nothing better than to separate people’s arms from their bodies so do not eff with me because my mild-mannered personality isn’t the only thing that’s disarming. I’m talking about my sword made of lasers. Bitch.”

So far, there is a shortage of cantina aliens. It’s possible this may continue to be a trend. The 3.75 inch line might lend itself more towards background aliens, which is a shame, because the background aliens are the coolest part. But Ponda Baba and Dr. Evazan transcend “background cantina aliens.” They are galactic dicks, and serve a very real and necessary purpose. Hell, even though I love bounty hunters as much as legally possible, these two assholes did (slightly) more than any of the non-Boba ones, and we’ll soon have a full set of them.

What helps Lenny and Squiggy’s case even more is that they also showed up in Rogue One, so they have not one but two movie appearances. How many movies does Dengar show up in? Well, other than the one in my head, which is titled “Guess Who’s Coming to Dengar: A Star Wars Story.”

Right about now is when I would recount some warm childhood memory that features The Artist Formerly Known as Walrus Man. Well, the truth is I never had him. Walrus Man and Snaggletooth were the only aliens I somehow missed out on. Hammerhead had to do the vast majority of the “I’m an alien, I’m a legal alien, I’m an Ithorian in New York” heavy lifting. Dr. Evazan, Dr. “You’ll be dead” himself, would not get a figure until 1997.

We have Ben. We have Luke, and Han and Chewie and Greedo. And Threepio and Artoo, although they had to stay outside, because IG-88 killed Cantina Bob’s mother and made him resolutely anti-droid. But what we do not have is Ponda Baba and Dr. Evazan, two characters that served a major role in letting us know that, when all else fails, a Jedi will absolutely cut a bitch. It’s the first thing they teach at the Jedi Academy as…ugh…”younglings.” Cobra Kai was all about “sweep the leg” but Yoda was way more into “The arm, chop it you should!!!!”

And possibly as a two-pack, please and thank you.

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