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Hasbro, We Need To Talk About Spider-Ham

Hey Hasbro, I’m going to talk directly to you. I hope you don’t mind me calling you “Hasbro.” I don’t know if it’s a first name or a last name. It sounds like it could go either way, or it could be both your first and last name, kind of like “Wilson Wilson” from Home Improvement, the guy whose lower face you never saw.

Either way, First I want to say how much I appreciate the inclusion on Spider-ham in the Marvel Legends line, as just seen at Toy Fair. I know you’re a faceless conglomerate full of people that make toys and stuff, and there’s somebody specific who made the decisions on such a thing. Whoever you are, that’s an ace decision. He looks absolutely fantastic. He’s a nice synthesis of his cartoonish beginnings and his slightly more “realistic” Spider-verse appearance. And the inclusion of a Pork Grind head for Venom is brilliant.

But — and yes, there’s always a but — there’s a fly in my soup.

See, Spider-Ham, from his appearance at Toy Fair and the subsequent promotional image, appears to be completely static from the waist down. Now, he’s a little dude, so I never expected him to have a full Marvel Legends 80 points of articulation, but for him to be a half-statue …

There’s a saying on toy forums when a figure isn’t as articulated as they could be. One side — the side that doesn’t mind the lack of articulation on a certain figure — will say one of two things. “It’s not like he’s a ninja” or “It’s not like he’s Spider-Man.”

For instance, if you made an Aunt May and she couldn’t touch her toes, someone would no doubt complain about it (spoiler alert, it might be me), and someone else would say “it’s not like she’s Spider-Man.”

But Spider-Ham is Spider-Man. Or, at least, a Spider-Man.

So essentially what you’ve done here is make a Spider-Man immobile from the waist down. That kills so much play value. And I am talking play value, as it is a toy. It’s not a display piece, it’s not a figurine. It’s a toy. And it can’t do anything but stand there. There’s no way to have him realistically swinging around with his legs akimbo and doing Spidery things that a totally mature adult does with his Spider-people.

Now, I know the comments section is gearing up, fingers on their keys, telling me that it’s not a big deal, I should be lucky to be getting a Spider-Ham at all. Someone might be telling me I’m whining.

But here’s the thing: I kind of figured we were past the days of someone like Rocket Raccoon being static from the legs down. The latest MCU Rocket was much much more fulfilling. So it never occurred to me that Spider-Ham would be so hindered, since we’ve received smaller yet fully articulated figures. Yet here we are.

It’s no doubt too late to change. Once they hit promo pic stage I figure the cake is in the oven. But I figured I’d at least give those of us who have wanted a Spider-Ham for years — or decades, in my case — a place to vent their disappointment, hopefully in a diplomatic kind of way. I know the prevailing sentiment is “at least you’re getting a Spider-Ham,” but when a character is along the more niche side of things, you don’t get that many chances. You want him to be as fulfilling as possible.

I’ve dropped from multiple sales to just one the one. Many others have mentioned the same.

Personally, I would be satisfied if he just had ball-jointed hips and some type of knee articulation. It’s what I expected when Spider-Ham was first rumored to be showing up. Just a handful of more points of articulation, and it would be the last Spider-Ham I’d ever need, and I’d probably purchase at least five of him, minimum.

Yes, I’m that guy who likes Spider-Ham that much.

As I said, I’m not ungrateful, but since I don’t see toy companies lining up to provide a limitless amount of chances at various Spider-Ham figures, we’re looking at the only shot a lot of us have at getting an official Spider-Ham figure. We—the fans of the character who discovered him either through Spider-verse or his appearances in “What The …” or the Star comic series or that original appearance in Marvel Tails — are who this figure is aimed at. None of us are technically ungrateful at his inclusion. I think I can speak for us all that his actualization as a figure is great. But we need this to be a full-fledged action figure, like every other Marvel Legends.

Anything less is … less.

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