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These Top Ten Figures Need to be Made by Storm Collectibles For the Good of the World

I don’t know where Storm Collectibles came from. I don’t really know much about what they’ve done before taking on the Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter license. I know they did some 12-inch stuff, maybe statues or something. You want research? Pfft. If I don’t already know it then it ain’t worth knowing!

But as of right now I have two Mortal Kombat figures that are basically the same figure and I just want to hug them and squeeze them. The last time I cared this much about Mortal Kombat was when the first one came out on the Sega Genesis and I had to call that special number to find out what to press to make the bloody fatalities.

But now I want all the Mortal Kombat people, even though I only know a handful of them by sight. I’m going to want all the Street Fighter people too, and I’ve played Street Fighter maybe twice in an arcade back in the mid-90s. I still don’t know what a Hadouken is. I’m not even sure if I spelled that right. All I know is that Larry Hadouken played J.R. Ewing on Dallas. Right? Exactly.

Storm collectibles MK figures have activated the same internal buttons that Figuarts figures tend to pepper spray like a frightened elderly lady in a parking lot: even if I don’t know the property, I’m intrigued by it just on the basis that it’s probably going to be awesome. If this type of quality persists, I’m in trouble. Like, it’s not even going to be a matter of whether or not it’s a toyetic property. I think I’ll buy it.

Therefore, the following are ten figures I would absolutely buy if Storm Collectibles were to make them.

Henry Kissinger

You know him. You love him. You’ve probably either made love to him or at least pleasured yourself while thinking about him. Let’s face it; the presidential terms of Nixon and Ford were beset by problems. When anarchy was close at hand, when doom was knocking at the door, when the world was close to utter chaos, Henry Kissinger was there, bazooka in one hand, M60 in the other, and a grenade clenched between his buttocks, pin pulled, ready to drop.

Betty White

I know what you’re thinking, because it’s the only thought available to sane men and women everywhere: a fully articulated Betty White figure would be awesome. Maybe it would be a Golden Girls version. Maybe a Mary Tyler Moore version. Maybe Betty White in her prime. But, that’s too easy. I think what the world needs is an action figure of the Betty White of today. 95 years of unrelenting mayhem rolled into a 5’4 and shrinking every day frame.

Lady behind the counter in Seinfeld

Let’s talk about unsung heroes. If you’re on a popular sitcom, then life is good. If you’re on one of the most popular sitcoms ever, then life is as sweet as a freshly laundered paid of underwear. Sure, Nobody could make an entrance like Kramer. Nobody could snark like Jerry. Nobody could pull off stocky and bald like George, and nobody could out-dance Elaine. But only one person was in almost every episode of the show, even more than Newman. (Newman!) And that is the cashier at Monk’s cafe. This juggernaut of strength deserves her own fully articulated figure. If not now, when? If not her, who? If not this, then what?

Geoffrey Butler, the butler from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air

Will Smith only had to put up with his rich relatives. The Banks family only had to put up with their weird and unhinged rapping relative. But Geoffrey? He had to put up with all of their shit, and clean it up to boot. Not only should he get his own super-articulated figure, but the man should be knighted by the damn Queen of England. Who did it? That’s right; the butler did it. He did it aaaaaalllllllll.

Vinko Bogataj

Who the eff is Vinko Bogataj, you just said. Remember ABC’s Wide World of Sports? He’s the skier that crashed over and over and over, week after week, right when the announcer said the line “the agony of defeat.”

If your failure is used as the posterboy for all sports failures everywhere, then you deserve a damn action figure. Skis…not included.

Joseph Gayetty

You don’t know who he is either, but if anybody on this lists deserves a toy, it is this man. You have used his handiwork just today. If you haven’t, well, I’m not sure what’s going on with you, but you should have that looked at. Joseph Gayetty is the inventor of modern toilet paper, and we should get down on our knees and thank him, because if not for him…well, I guess somebody else would have eventually done it.

Ben Burtt

Him you know. He’s the one that created the sound of Lightsabers, and so much more.

Vanilla Ice from Cool as Ice

I pick this particular look because no other look will encapsulate the fashion of 1991 more than what this man is wearing on the poster for this movie. It’s…I mean…kids dressed like this in high school! You could walk into the mall and walk out with this exact outfit. I think I actually knew somebody who had those pants. There was just so much neon. Those are the pants that a paint store would impregnate a rave with. Ice melts stone hearts. Science rules, and so would this figure, if Storm collectibles made it. All other toys are zeroes. This toy would be the hero.

Clapper lady

Ah, the Clapper. Applause causes strokes. If you’re a lazy bastard and only want to bang your hands together to turn things off, the Clapper is there for you. And this ancient Mumm-ra of a woman did not want to waste a second of beauty sleep getting out of bed to turn off her television. She only wanted to bat her hands together and roll over. We’ve all been there. Because electricity being commanded by a few short sharp slaps of skin is AWESOME. The Clapper lady deserves a figure. Fighting justice one clap at a time.

And, mercifully, finally:

Frank Nelson

If you have seen a television show from the era of black and white, this guy showed up on it at some point. The ultimate “Hey, it’s that guy” from every show ever, Frank Nelson would make an equally entertaining “hey, it’s that guy” on the toy shelf, because he could literally be anything you want…providing it was some background character that showed up and had a few lines delivered perfectly and then disappeared. Personally, I think he’s got something going on with the cashier from Monk’s, but that’s just me.

I regret nothing.