Caution: Satire ahead. Read at your own risk.
I’ve fixed my fair share of toys. I’m not bragging or anything, but over the years I’ve developed an understanding of how plastic playthings are constructed and how to repair them. I’ve re-attached broken limbs, given Hungry Hungry Hippos their appetites back, and even aided a certain spit-curled Super-someone when Kryptonian science could not help him. For all that, I would never try and convince anyone I was a “toy doctor.” And yet, someone with even fewer qualifications is practicing medicine boldly in the open without so much as a how-do-you-do. Your Honor and members of the jury, I present Dottie”Doc” McStuffins.
I became aware of McStuffins while watching TV with my three-year-old. Seen daily on her self-titled Disney show, this so-called “Doc” practices her own easy-going brand of medicine. With an obviously fraudulent license (being hand-written in crayon was a tip-off) and operating out of a ramshackle office constructed of exposed timbers, “Doc” here treats the neighborhood toys for a variety of ailments. Consulting only her crudely hand-drawn “Big Book of Booboos” she ascribes wildly implausible diagnoses on her patients before imposing her own unique blend of musical quackery upon them.
At no time do we ever see any oversight to McStuffins’ practices. She has no supervisor, answers to no board or committee, and is clearly not a member of the AMA. After watching all 48 episodes I can state with confidence there is zero accountability on McStuffin’s part. Even her parents turn a blind eye to these clearly illegal activities. Unregistered, unlicensed, McStuffins continues to practice medicine with impunity.
Let’s take a moment to consider some of the “Doc’s” questionable diagnoses. According to McStuffins, the box-dwelling Little Jack suffers from Can’t-pop-otis, while Awesome Guy struggles with Righty-on-Lefty Syndrome. The alien Zero is afflicted with Fall-apart-atude. All of these sound fake to me. Jack should make an appointment with his urologist, Awesome Guy needs to pick a side and stick with it, and as far as Zero goes, McStuffins operates on him without knowing the first thing about alien physiology. On top of that, she’s taken it upon herself name previously unknown diseases like Pinkatosis, Perfect Snowman Syndrome and Mystery Pox. These are not indie bands from the 1990s, people; these are diseases that threaten all of toykind!
Now a word about the victims of this situation, aka the “patients.” While McStuffins appears to take all comers, after watching a dozen episodes back-to-back a grim pattern began to emerge. McStuffins is clearly targeting the poorest and most disenfranchised among us, those with no representation of their own. Her patients are often depicted as mentally-addled or damaged, with no advocate when it comes to determining their care and welfare. They are cajoled with improvised songs and peer pressure into consenting to treatment. Singing and dancing around the bed of a sick patient may be done with the best of intentions, but musical numbers and good intentions alone do not make one a doctor.
At this point in the article some of you may feel I’m coming down a little hard on an obviously well-intentioned fictional child. Granted, she has a 100 percent success rate. Granted, she’s never had a repeat patient. But she’s operating out of a residential back yard! There are zoning laws, people! And before the PC police come along and try and shut me down for targeting the role-model of little girls everywhere, let me ask this: would you want your child taking it upon themselves to diagnose and perform surgery on your toys?
“Daddy, I fixed your Hot Toys Iron Man!”
The lawsuits against Disney would be staggering. So I ask you: how long before this rouge medical practitioner permanently maims or disables someone? Who is going to pay for their lifetime of rehabilitation and treatment? Their pain and suffering? Stop Doc McStuffins before it’s too late! Now if you need me, I’ll be down in my bunker fashioning tin-foil into the shape of an Ant-Man helmet.
Discuss this insanity of the Fwoosh forums!