It’s hard for a new product to get a little attention, and that’s especially true in the world of action figures. For every evergreen line like G.I. Joe or Star Wars, there’s a dozen upcoming properties vying for collector’s dollars. From 2-inch Diamond Select Minimates to the 1/6th-scale offerings from Sideshow Collectibles, toy fans are being treated to a plethora of plastic goodness the likes of which we have never known before. And while it might seem like heresy to say here on the Fwoosh, there’s just too much cool stuff out there to keep track of! So how would I proceed if I were an enterprising young upstart of a toy company looking to make waves? By producing toys based on legendary properties like Death Race 2000, of course!
Reviled upon it’s release for its uncompromising nature and violent imagery, this Roger Corman-produced quickie has proven to be far more than the sum of it’s gloriously dismembered parts. Released in 1975, writer/director Paul Bartel’s vision of a dystopian future proves a little too much like our present to make for comfortable viewing. By the year 2000, dependence on foreign resources has bankrupted America, causing the powers-that-be to close ranks and form an brutal totalitarian dictatorship. Every year, the enigmatic “Mister President” salves the nation’s crippled psyche by allowing the Transcontinental Road Race, in which high-powered death machines stalk the streets and highways for human prey.
The film’s Distinguished Commentator Harold put it best: “Women are still worth 10 points more than men in all age brackets, but teenagers now rack up 40 points, and toddlers under 12 now rate a big 70 points. The big score: anyone, any sex, over 75 years old has been upped to 100 points.”
Yep, the elderly were worth 100 points in 2000. Inflation, I guess. At any rate, the Death Racers proved to be a terrifically toyetic bunch, each with their own unique vehicles and personas. And while the proposition of an action figure line based on vehicular manslaughter might have been a bit much for 1975, it’s a perfect fit for the post-Grand Theft Auto generation. Without further ado, let’s meet our players!
“You’re blocking me Cleopatra! My fans want to see me!” — Nero the Hero
Sorry, Nero. The only reason anyone wanted to look at you was to see you die. They didn’t have to wait long either, as you snuffed it 20 minutes in. Err, spoiler. “The Lion at the Wheel” is good for a few laughs, but really only exists to set the tone for future mayhem. Oh, and to show off his kitty-car. Meow.
Placement: First to die.
“Machen Sie schnell meine kleine Buzz Bomb!” — Matilda the Hun
This feisty Fräulein from Milwaukee drove for the glory of the Fatherland. With her navigator Herman the German (“Gopher” from The Love Boat!) by her side, Matilda and her car the Buzz-Bomb were favored in the Death Race, but some behind-the-scenes shenanigans put the Teutonic twosome six feet under. As eulogized by TV commentator Grace Pander: “She was a great dear friend of mine, and I shall remember her forever howling down the highway knocking over… the angels.”
Placement: Second to die.
“Hiya Herman. I hope your buzz-bomb has a little more juice in its nuclear war head this year.” — Calamity Jane
Brought to life by legendary character actress Mary Wornov, Calamity Jane Kelley gave the horns to anyone unlucky enough to be in her way. Driver of the Dust Bull, she scored some memorable kills, including a toreador. No, really. You have to see it to believe it. And while Jane’s navigator gets killed early in the race, Jane manages to hang in until nearly the end. When she goes, it’s one of the more emotional losses in the movie, but things happen so fast you won’t have time to mourn.
Placement: Third to die
“You know Myra, some people might think you’re cute. But me, I think you’re one very large baked potato.” — “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo
Before Rocky, before Rambo, before that weird porno you wish you’d never clicked on, Sylvester “Sly” Stallone illuminated the silver screen as “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo. Second only to Frankenstein in driving prowess, Joe spends the movie frothing with contempt and mowing down anyone in his line of sight. With his gangster motif and notably short fuse, Joe knocks ’em all dead. but when Frankenstein gives him a “hand,” it’s lights out for the mobster and his sexy moll.
Placement: Last to die
“All’s fair in love and war.” — Annie Smith
Hello, Nurse! Frankenstein’s navigator is secretly a double agent, spying for grandmother’s resistance cell. Willful and determined in her own right, Annie goes off-script when she discovers there’s far more to the Race and Frankenstein than meets the eye.
“You will regret that, Joe.” — Frankenstein
An entire line of Death Race figures would be a victory for collectors, but when it comes right down to it, Frankenstein is the only character from the film that’s essential. Obviously the figure would need a removable mask to reveal the “disfigured” visage of David Carradine, as well as an alternate hand with implanted “hand grenade.” As long as he came with his now-iconic monster-themed Shala ‘Vette, the world could rest easy knowing we finally have a figure of one of the silver screen’s most unlikely anti-heroes.
Remarkably prescient, Death Race 2000 explored themes that were uncommon for its time. The idea of sport as an opiate of the masses and cathartic violence as a form of entertainment would be developed in later films like 1987’s The Running Man and 2012’s The Hunger Games. As compelling as those recent cinematic explorations go, it’s hard to top the original. It maintains its edge after all theses years, remaining a topical commentary on this bewildering and brutal world we find ourselves in. But our beloved announcer Junior “The Real Deal” Bruce said it best:
“It’s the race, man! You can’t call off the race — it’s the symbol of everything we hold dear! Our American way of life! Sure it’s violent, but that’s the way we love it — violent, violent, violent! And that’s why we love you!”
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