Okay, this article is less then twenty words long now and I’m already sad. I’m sad because this line doesn’t exist. This line doesn’t exist and the toy aisles are the poorer for the absence.
My childhood was punctuated by voices. When I was a kid I used to practice altering my voice a variety of different ways due to learning about the incredible vocal talents of Mel Blanc and my gigantic love of the Looney Tunes stable of characters. I think one of my greatest unfulfilled wishes is to be a voice actor. There’s really no call for cartoon voices in the real world without people looking at you like you’re a nut. The Looney Tunes characters — Bugs Bunny in particular — unwittingly had a huge impact on my view of the world. And I don’t even like carrots! This probably explains so much.
Years ago there were actually Looney Tunes figures, but they were limited in articulation, and, as such, I never could work up the enthusiasm to buy them. If I’m going to buy cartoon characters, I want to be able to move them like cartoons. I need Bugs Bunny to be able to contort himself to get out of the way of Elmer Fudd’s shotgun blast in the way only a super-articulated figure would afford. I need a Wile E Coyote that can be posed cockeyed on jet-skates chasing after the Roadrunner. I need motion. I need mobility.
I need joints.
A lot of joints.
A line of Looney Tunes figures could dig deep and pull out all sorts of awesomeness. Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Sylvester, and all the main characters would obviously be the frontrunner choices, each of whom could have multiple figures pulling from multiple looks. One of my favorites I’d need sooner rather than later would be Bugs Bunny as a barber from “Rabbit of Seville.”
And, of course, there’s Daffy Duck as Duck Dodgers — I’d need him also.
And Bugs dressed as a woman, the many many many times he did that. Bugs was pretty comfortable with his sexuality.
I need those hillbillies as well.
I also need Bugs and Elmer Fudd in their “What’s Opera, Doc?” Wagnerian looks. Spear and Magic Helmet!
If there was some way to get a “shotgun to the face” Daffy head… make that happen also.
I could go on and on, but then I wouldn’t have gotten to all the great secondary characters. There’s Chester and Spike, the bulldog and his faithful friend. Sylvester’s stupid friend Sam the Cat. Gossamer (he’s just hair and sneakers, you know). Marvin the Martian. Marvin the freakin’ Martian. I could spend the rest of this article listing awesome characters, but you don’t need me to do that. I just know that I want them all. How about Tweety when he drinks that Jekyll and Hyde formula? I need him too. The witch that terrorizes Bugs. The vampire that kind of creeped me out as a kid. Mr. Blacque Jacque Shellacque — as if Yosemite Sam and Elmer Fudd weren’t enough to deal with. Then there’s that wrestler Bugs fights (Theeeeee Crusher!), which, of course, would lead to needing a Bugs with masked head, or just toss that in with a regular Bugs Bunny release.
If you’ve been nodding your head along with this article, then you know exactly how awesome these toys could be. A line like this deserves more than just a few paltry waves; it deserves a Marvel Legends-styled line all its own, with multiple waves for years and years.
Because I haven’t even gotten to the Tiny Toons and Animaniacs.
How brilliant were those cartoons? Tiny Toons was a perfect extension of the Looney Tunes concept, teaching the next generation of cartoon characters how to do what cartoon characters do without just making “young Bugs.” And Animaniacs was surreal genius. I have Wakko Yakko and Dot stuffed animals from way back then, and I need action figures now, each with their own supporting cast members (Helloooooo, nurse!) and villains.
Yeah, so you see why I got all depressed when I started this article? I want to preorder wave one of this right now, but I can’t, because it doesn’t exist. Yet. But maybe it can one day. Overtures, curtains, lights, so forth and so on.
