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The Greatest Toys Never Made – Second Edition

What do you get when you take a great concept and a great costume and then tweak it just enough so that it’s familiar and yet very different? You get what should be the tentpole of one of the greatest toylines ever, that should and could interest both the young and the young at heart.

I’m talking, of course, about the greatest untapped well of awesome out there: Spider-Ham.

Recipe: take one pig, stick him in Spider-Man’s costume, shake well, and you’ve got greatness personified.

I know I’m not alone in this. I mean, I may be nuts, but I’m not crazy, and to me this is a sure thing. Frankly, I don’t know how there hasn’t been an entire onslaught of Spider-Ham merchandise over the years. At the very least, I’d have expected a cartoon or a video game franchise, either one of which would be pure fuel to getting a Spider-Ham figure. Is there not even a single plush Spider-Ham out there? This strikes me as odd. Like… conspiracy-level odd. Is there someone out there trying to keep the Ham down? That’s not kosher.

But just one figure does not a toyline make. No, to increase the awesomeness by a factor of about a bajillion, you add in a few extras. First off, Spider-Ham needs to have a few friends to help him out. First among them would be Captain Americat.

He’s got a shield, he’s dressed in the flag, and he’s a cat — perfect for freedom and feline lovers everywhere. This patriotic pussycat would be great for a Marvel Team-up with Spidey.

For a bit of a larger figure, and yet another popular Marvel mainstay, add in the Hulk Bunny.

He’s big, he’s green, he’s angry, and he’s a bunny. Come on! Kids everywhere will be screeching for their very own Hulk Bunny figure, pajamas, plush, nightlight, and Hulk Bunny fists with slightly less fingers than the larger-sized Hulk Fists.

With the good guys covered, this line needs a few bad guys. And what better bad guy to start off the line than Ducktor Doom.

For real, you guys — Ducktor Doom. Do you really want to say no to a character called Ducktor Doom? I didn’t think so. Ducktor Doom isn’t just a villain for Spider-Ham, but for this entire fuzzy section of the Marvel Universe, and he would be perfect when they release the eventual Fantastic Fur. Of course, they probably would have trouble releasing a perfect Fantastic Fur…

But Spider-Ham needs a villain all his own in his line, and I think the coolest of any of them would be Doctor Octopussy Cat.

Hey, there can be two cats in the same line, and the Bond pun makes it even better. Now, you may be asking if it’s Doctor Octopus (who is already animal-themed), then why not just take that a little further and make Otto a real octopus instead of bringing in a completely different animal?

Because Octopus Cat, silly.

Octopus Cat.


So there you have it. Three good guys because everyone likes the good guys, and two doctors to bedevil those good guys. A strong start to a line that could have plenty of legs. This has the potential to be the greatest toyline ever, if it was fully articulated, properly accessorized, and was given all the love and attention that Hasbro could muster. This needs to happen.

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2 thoughts on “The Greatest Toys Never Made – Second Edition

  1. Mr. Q, I’m right there with you. I didn’t realize just how clueless I was about the jokes as a kid until I bought a Spider-Ham trade to read to my kid and had to explain why things were funny, even stuff I’m not sure I get now.

    I’d still love to see him again and I love the character enough that I made a custom figure.

  2. I am not afraid to admit that I grew up on Spider-Ham comics. I didn’t get all the jokes and references as a kid but it was a fun read and it truly deserves a second chance to shine, both in comics and in a toy line.

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