Superman, right? With The Man of Steel premiering this weekend, it’s pretty much all about Big Blue. Thanks to a supersized wave of advertising and licensing tie-ins, his distinctive “S” shield has become as ubiquitous as the Golden Arches. With so much product being rushed to market bearing his name, we thought it would be a good time to take a look back on some of Superman’s stranger licensed items. That’s right, no bootlegs here: the weirdness you’re about to see is 100% official and fully vetted by DC Comics. (Okay, there’s one bootleg, but it’s worth it!) You’d think after all Superman has done for them they would have had a little more respect for the guy!
10. Superman Crazy Foam!
Crazy? Oh, you have no idea. It’s a scene, man. There’s simply nothing good or holy or decent about this. I’m not sure what sort of expression you’re supposed to have when you’re in the process of dispensing “crazy foam” from your mouth, but benign acceptance isn’t it. This is a Superman no longer fighting the never-ending battle, but instead quietly resigned to his fate spewing bath-time fun from his gaping pie-hole. Consider his dead eyes, off-model hairdo, and complete lack of arms and legs, and then weep for for our collective lost innocence.
9. Superman Utility Belt!
Interior: Fortress of Solitude. A telephone is ringing.
Superman: Hello?
Batman: Hey, Clark, it’s Bruce.
Superman: Bruce! What can I do for you?
Batman: Well, it’s about your new utility belt…
Superman: Oh, yeah, isn’t it great?
Batman: Er, no, not so much…
Superman: Whaddaya mean?
Batman: Well, you know. You have your super powers and all: incredible strength, flying, x-ray vision… But utility belts. That’s kind of my thing.
Superman: Oh, come on! My utility belt is completely different than yours!
Batman: Well, how different it is really isn’t the point…
Superman: Check it out, I’ve got a Kryptonite detector and decoder glasses and a toy watch!
Batman: Why do you need a toy watch?
Superman: I like to pretend I can tell the time.
Batman: (click)
Superman: Hello? Hello? Hmmm — I think my pretend phone is broken.
8. The Gospel According To Superman!
Written by John T. Galloway, Jr., The Gospel According To Superman examines the parallels that exist between Superman and Jesus Christ. I do not own a copy of this, but what little info I can find on the web makes a case for its weirdness and inclusion on our list. With chapter titles like “God and the Gut,” “Can Anything Good Come out of Krypton?” and “Clark, Take Off Your Clothes!” it’s sure to be a compelling read. It even reprints two DC comics stories in their entirety: “Superman vs. The Archer” and “The Origin of Superman,” both by Superman creators Siegel and Shuster. That’s a pretty impressive get for a shoddy little volume like this.
Galloway compares the Gospel with the philosophy implicit in the Superman comic series, with the Man of Steel found wanting. It hardly seems like a fair fight; seriously, I doubt Superman ever thought he’d be expected to go toe-to-toe with Jesus. What’s up with that, Galloway?
“It is not my intent in this book to find the gospel in Superman. Rather, I seek to find the gospel where it can best be found — in scripture and in the changed lives of Christians.”
Uh, okay — so you just used a picture of Superman to trick us into buying your book? That doesn’t seem very Christian. Thanks, but I’ll think I’ll spend my money on something a little more fun…
7. Superman Super Hopper Pogo Stick!
Manufactured by Master Juvenile Products in the year of our Lord, 1977, the Superman Super Hopper Pogo Stick was in a league unto itself. It’s like you were catching a ride with your buddy — if your buddy was a quadriplegic with a spring in his ass. You think slamming car doors or barking dogs are annoying? Imagine some 10-year-old fueled by Kool-Aid and Twinkees jumping up and down outside of your house on this thing all afternoon. Ka-CHUNG! Ka-CHUNG! Ka-CHUNG! Holy crap, somebody invent Space Invaders already!
6. Superman Thingmaker!
Ah, the Thingmaker. Is there nothing it can’t replicate with it’s plastigoopy goodness? I say nay. I raved about the Thingmaker before here; Batman was perfectly suited to its weird, rubbery nature, but Superman? Not so much. The Man of Steel should never have a jellylike consistency, it’s just not in keeping with his character. That said, the metal mold is really nifty. You just don’t see this sort of craftsmanship in a store-bought toy these days. This piece was built to last — Mattel expected us to be Thingmaking well into the 21st century.
It’s so cool to see actual wear here. This toy was played with, enjoyed and then put away for 40-odd years. In the end it’s more than just a random piece of memorabilia; it is history manifest, the spirit of the hero regenerated again and again whenever most needed — it’s a Superman engine with no moving parts or pieces, running only on imagination (and 49 cents worth of Plastigoop.)
5. Superman Sky-Diving Parachutist!
You’ll notice the goofier the product, the more the packaging stresses it is “OFFICIAL.” Don’t buy one of those knockoff Superman parachuting figures; aside from the scorn of your peers and the resulting social stigma to come of such a rack-toy faux pas, your hollow hunk of badly-painted plastic is also sure to lack the “realistic floating action!” of the licensed version. Why does Superman need a parachute, you ask? I’m sure there’s a funny reason, at least I was sure when I included him in the article. Now I’m comin’ up blank. Let me think about it, I’ll get back to you.
As you can see, everybody was parachuting in the 1970s! We have heroes from both Marvel and DC, some Planet of the Apes characters, one astronaut, as well as your standard-issue “army man.” I remember trying to have fun with these little guys, but it was always difficult — parachuting toys work best when you dropped them from a high place, but that isn’t something most kids have access to. If you did, half of the time the parachute would get caught up in the telephone wires, which killed the fun pretty effectively. In the end I just ripped the parachute off and used the figures as “prisoners” or “victims” — no sense in burning a good Star Wars figure if one of these guys was handy!
4. Superman Justice Jogger!
Judging from his expression, even Superman realizes how stupid his “Justice Jogger” is. Poor guy, I’ve seen him in less pain dying from kryptonite exposure. You can’t blame him for being pissed, Batman would never get stuck schlepping around on something like this. Considering the hurt look on his face, I’m guessing Supes is using his super-hearing here, eavesdropping on the other Super-Friends as they mock him. Notice how he refuses to touch the controls: “Okay, I’ll sit in it if I have to, but I will not be seen driving this thing!” This particular vehicle has zero offensive capabilities — what’s Superman going to do, chase Darkseid in circles until he gets tired? Also, the name “Justice Jogger” deflates the excitement a little. No need to run after the criminals, justice requires no more than a brisk gait!
3. Space Visitor Superman!
Mister Rock. Star Knight. Robert Cop. Internet famous, they are a pretty exclusive group, but Space Visitor definitely demands inclusion. Oh, sure, you could say “Come on, that’s just a Mego Superman head and some doll arms stuck on a wind-up robot!” But Space Visitor is so much more than that. He’s sleek and powerful, a never-before-seen fusion of man and machine, perhaps even a new life form, visiting us — from SPACE! And, best of all, no batteries required.
Here’s his crew, which consists of Batman, maybe Optimus Prime and some kinda space-fish. They all have names, but hey, you wanna read this article today or next week? I’ve got deadlines to meet! Right, on to #2!
2. Superman Underoos!
My most controversial statement since claiming Grey Gargoyle was a Mort. Ah, I can hear it now: “There was nothing weird about Underoos!” Really? Really?
This kid seems flummoxed at this bedtime visit by an oddly-girded Man of Steel. I’m guessing the dialogue would go something like this:
JOEY: Gee whiz! Superman! What are you doing in my bedroom?
SUPERMAN: (smiling) Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to take a cheap shot at a beloved piece of pop culture just for comedy’s sake. There’s something really off-putting about this whole Underoos thing; we just don’t think about it because we were there. It’s like repressed trauma or something — we just can’t face it, but deep down inside we know it happened. Exactly what it was that happened will remain lost to memory and time, but the Underoo’s motto may put it best: “There’s a hero inside us all.”
Ahem.
Now, without further ado…
1. Superman Cheese!
This stuff was made not far from my hometown. I missed it by a few years, but that’s just as well. Lacking the super-metabolism needed to process this stuff, I probably wouldn’t be around to write this article!
HONORABLE MENTION: SPECIALMAN!
Okay, I lied — there are two bootlegs on this list, but I didn’t actually include this guy in the Top 10 to avoid harsh federal, state, and local penalties. Still, we had to feature him. Just look at that face and tell me he’s not special. Like “rides the short rocket” special — my hero. As a bootleg, he’s pretty decent, clearly built on a pre-existing (stolen) mold. Still, there are some problems, most notably his face. And what’s up with his right hand? It’s like it’s molded to grasp something. Oh, wait, of course — let me just get the cheese…
Oh, yeah, that’s the stuff! Thanks for readin’. Enjoy the movie, kids!
Jason R Mink IS the Man in the AntHill! – 06/14/13
