So… Batman. What can I say? In spite of my irreverent take on the character in the JUST BRUCE! strips, I’m still a huge Batman fan — always was, in fact. When I was a kid I ran home from school every day to catch reruns of the 1960s TV show and tuned in every weekend to watch he and Robin slum with the Super Friends. I had the Batman Colorforms set, the squirtgun, the Underoos; he was on my birthday cakes and pencil cases and drinking glasses and… Well, just about everything I owned, really.
In the 1970s, the Caped Crusader was ubiquitous, or at least not as picky as he should have been about sticking his face on stuff. Sure, I get it — even Bruce Wayne gots ta get paid, but I’d think that once Gotham’s lowlifes get wind that you’re currently appearing on a kid’s hairbrush, keeping them in fear of you is gonna be an uphill battle.
We start with this Ben Cooper mask and costume set. I know, I know, Halloween was two weeks ago, but since when do I need a reason to dress up as Batman?
In spite of a few minor differences (I don’t remember Batman ever having his name printed across his forehead…) this was still pretty great for the time. For a start, it didn’t have a picture of the Dark Knight’s face printed on the bodysuit, something that was all too common with kid’s costumes back then. Ben Cooper also gets the colors right — nothing funky, just gray and blue as God intended. The costume came with a cape and everything. It was even “flame retardant” in case you ran into Firefly while you were out Trick or Treating. Very forward thinking.
Speaking of Ben Cooper, lets take a quick look at this awesome Jiggler the company issued in the mid ’70s.
I had one of these. Sadly, I also had a wicked oral fixation and chewed the poor guy to pieces! It was a very distinctive sensation, biting through that particular rubber — I remember it vividly, which is sad considering I can’t recall my own cell phone number.
Next up, because chicks dig the car, is the Cien Ge Toys battery-operated “Mystery Action” Batmobile. This sweet ride features a flashing red bat-siren and light-up afterburner, plus the classic engine roar made famous on the 1960s Batman TV show. So what’s the “mystery action,” you may ask? Well, when the Batmobile bumps into something, it spins around and roars off in the opposite direction. You can bet many a family pet was tormented with this thing. Unfortunately for the Dynamic Duo, the seated figure’s vinyl heads were easily chewed off by Fido. Fitting revenge, but it makes finding one of these complete a whole lot trickier.
There were a few interesting color variations of this Batmobile: aside from two distinct shades of blue, the car also was released in black, red, and even gold. That’s right, back in the good old days before the concept of “licensor approval” you could get away with crap like that. Oftentimes it was a matter of economics — if a manufacturer ran out of blue plastic, they just made the damn thing out of red. This sort of thinking might be alarming to the purists of today, but it is responsible for creating some truly unique and desirable toys.
Next up, the bane of my mother’s existence: the Batman Talking Alarm Clock!
I found mine at a yard sale and thought it was the Greatest Thing Ever. Mom? Not so much. Y’see, instead of the usual irritating buzz of a normal alarm clock, this feat of Swiss engineering played an actual MESSAGE from BATMAN and ROBIN!:
(The sound of the BATMOBILE screeching to a halt.)
Robin: Jumping Jehosephat Batman, we’re needed again!
Batman: Right, Robin, we have to wake our friends!
Robin: Golly Jeepers Batman, I’ll make the call!
Batman: Okay, Robin, wake them all!
Robin: Time to get up and out of bed!
Batman: Good boy, Robin, very well said!
(The sound of the BATMOBILE screeching away.)
Delivered with considerable enthusiasm and volume, this message would repeat continuously until everybody in the house but me had been woken up — I slept like a rock. My actual alarm was the sound of my mother shouting down the hall at me to turn the blasted thing off. Not as much fun as hearing it from the Dynamic Duo, but much more effective.
Now let’s take a look at a few Mego offerings. While characters like Spider-Man and the Hulk were huge moneymakers for the company, Batman was their real bread and butter. Not only did the company produce several different scales of action figures, but also vehicles, playsets, etc.
Up first is this classic from the “World’s Greatest Super Heroes” line. The earliest versions of Batman and Robin were issued with removable masks, but Mego soon phased these out, replacing them with the fully-sculpted heads most toy fans are familiar with today. The company clearly wasn’t paying attention to the grim and gritty detective that Neal Adams and company were currently crafting over at DC. Mego’s offering was straight out of the 1950s with his lack of muscle tone and inexplicable smile. It was odd, even at the time. After all, none of the Marvel characters were smiling! (OK, the Green Goblin was, but you know what I mean…)
I must have gone through a dozen of these guys back in the day. Unlike his television incarnation, my Batman didn’t always survive the deathtraps I devised for him. He would get broken, lost, stolen by other kids in the neighborhood, and yet, with a little gentle nagging, I could always convince my parents to replace him with a shiny new doppelganger. I mean, you just had to have a Batman. And, of course, you can’t have Batman without Robin, and since Bruce can’t really slap the kid around, you’re gonna need a Joker or Riddler for them to fight… Mego sold a lot of Batman figures this way.
Here’s the 12″ Magnetic Batman and Robin I coveted as a child. It seems the Caped Crusaders have decided to horn in on a certain Web-Head’s territory and can now stick to stuff, courtesy of the huge honkin’ magnets in their hands and feet. Right off the bat (ahem), you’ll note the change in Batman’s expression — the goofy smile is gone, replaced by a serious scowl. Who pissed in his cornflakes?
From the “Kill it! Kill it!” department comes Mego’s Batman and Robin Super juniors!
These tiny terrors were unleashed upon an unsuspecting world in 1978. These are basically chew toys for dogs, but marketed to people — not only are they made of the same sturdy vinyl, but they also let out a loud squeak when ya squeeze ’em! Superman and Wonder Woman also mutated the same way. I guess someone at Mego thought these were cute. The buying public, however, did not; they reacted with justifiable horror at the mere sight of these things and the line quickly faded from view, rising only occasionally to haunt our nightmares and lame retro toy articles that come in a little too short.
And now, no list would be complete without this all-time favorite. You’ve seen it before, now see it some more: The Batman Water Pistol!
This violation of all that’s good and pure was manufactured by a little company called Durham Ind Inc. in their bid for internet immortality Always topping the “10 Weirdest Toys” lists, this truly bizarre take on the character had an entire generation of kids feeling ooky about the Dark Knight. Now, I thought Illco’s “Monster Balls” were cheeky, but this is on a whole ‘nother level. Clearly Fredric Wertham was right and we need to dig him up and apologize — nothing good is going to come from teaching kids that water goes in your butt and comes out of your mouth. Also, don’t pull that trigger until your wedding night, kids. You’ll be glad you waited!
Jason R. Mink is The Man In The Ant Hill! Nov. 2012