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Secret Identities – Long_road



I ask fwooshmembers questions


They answer them.


Long_road " I guess that counts"

It’s the title of a Pearl Jam song. It was the b-side to the “I Got Id” single (Merkinball) back in ’94, I believe. At that time, I was thirteen and a freshman in High School and way into angsty grunge rock. That was the year my family got our first computer with internet access and when I signed up for my first email address, I chose long_road as my handle. I’ve used it for every online user ID ever since. I’m a habitualist.

Do you have a theory or principle that you tend to live by and does that include how to conduct yourself in personal relationships?

Fundamentally, I’m both a nihilist and a fatalist. I begrudgingly relinquish a great deal of control in my life, because I realize that as a limited man there are forces I simply can’t contend with. I think that’s why I like the small, simple things – like collecting toys. It’s this very compartmentalized hobby that I have complete control over that brings me joy. If the satisfaction in my life were dependent on a girl, or a job, or a system of government, or anything outside of myself, I’d have no control whatsoever. And that would, quite literally, drive me insane. I used to be a free-loving, “heart on his sleeve” kind of guy. But as I’ve “matured”, I’ve come to realize that that’s a very self-destructive lifestyle. So, my one guiding principle is that the only person you can ever truly rely on is yourself. But in the grand scheme of things, you, yourself, are nothing. Hence my nihilism/fatalism.

Where do you live?
In an apartment in a suburb of the most abysmal city in America (Charlotte, NC).

Do you sleep in a dumpster?

I’ve never slept in a dumpster, but I did quite a bit of dumpster diving back in college. The bagel shop was a prime hot spot, as was Krispy Kreme. Dumpster diving is the urban equivalent of treasure hunting. I once found a brand new set of wireless lavalier microphones and receiver in a dumpster behind a Radio Shack. It’s always good to poke your head in and check.

If you had the money what would you do with it?

I think I’m the sort who would be easily corrupted by wealth. I don’t aspire to ever have more than I need to live a comfortable life. If I did have the financial leeway, I would probably just work less and write more. And, by "write more" I mean, "lay on the couch and play wii".

Where do you work?
At present, I work for an insidious online porn distributor.

What are some examples of good porn?(t.a.t.u.?) PeterNorth

Honestly, the days of “good” porn are over. Everything modern is gonzo or this studio-made-to-look-amateur crap. I miss the classics of the 70s and 80s; the kitschy films that embraced porn’s zanier nature and delivered ludicrous plot lines about urban pirates and well-hung window washers and whatnot. One of my favorite movies is called “To Know Me is to Blow Me”. Peter North stars as a private detective who has to sleep his way around town to solve cases. You should check it out.

Who is in your family?

Mom, Dad, sister. I come from one of those rare families where the parents are still married and love each other. I blame that for all my problems.

Have you met any other fwooshers? Yeppers. I’ve met the NC boys – R_O_B_O, Slade, Vorskyr, Heli88, J-Ryu, Darth Board, SpiderHulkThing, … um, I’m probably forgetting someone. I’m actually surprised at how relatively “normal” they all are. Meeting fwooshers in real life totally ruined my preconception of the average board member.


What are your future plans?

Yikes. Sadly, I have no specific plans. I used to be ferociously ambitious, but the pressures of time and aging have stolen all of that away from me. Now I’m just a bitter old man (I’m 27 now…) with no friends and no desire to do anything anymore. I still have a few things I’d like to do before I die. Ya know, like publish a Pulitzer prize winning novel or reclaim my long lost love. But I haven’t really diagrammed exactly how I’m gonna achieve that stuff…

Have you ever published anything? Anything we can read?

Nothing legitimate. I’m an ultimate failure. I’m deathly afraid of rejection so I pretty much never submit anything. I’m trying to work past that. I could link you to some of the erotic stuff I’ve written, but I think that’s in violation of fwoosh rules… plus, it’s not really a good representation of my ‘recreational’ work.

Do you customize?

I do, infrequently. I’m a novice. I’ve never produced anything of merit. But I very much enjoy tinkering with figs. It’s the next logical step for an obsessive collector. And it fills time during lulls between waves.

Have you ever worn a blanket as a cape in your childhood?

Um, no. No, I don’t think so. I didn’t get into superheroes until adulthood. So, I’ve only worn blanket capes as a grown man. Although, when I was a kid I really enjoyed SilverHawks and my friends and I used to stretch our pool towels across our backs and extend our arms like wings and run around belting out the “sil-VER-hawwwwks” theme. I guess that counts.

Do you cook?

Why yes! Cooking is probably my favorite recreational activity. It relaxes me. I got into cooking during college, mostly as a way to impress chicks. But even when dating isn’t involved, I still very much enjoy braising up some polpetone and topping it off with a little homemade apricot chutney. I’m particularly good with sauces. I can whisk up a frothy béarnaise like no other. I really miss working in restaurants sometimes…

Favorite recipe?

My favorite one for me, personally, to just enjoy on a quiet weeknight or something would be my homemade pad Thai. I fry up tofu in peanut oil and sauté the rice noodles in my wok, then I make an unconventional sauce that is sorta like a blend of peanut sauce and fish sauce, with a dash of a special ingredient (ketchup), and then lots of various spices to add heat. I dress it up with a ton of lime and cilantro. it’s a veritable bonanza of flavor.
if I’m trying to impress someone I break out the Chilean sea bass. I don’t eat red meat, so I make a lot of seafood dishes. I happened upon a perfect tapenade one time by accident when I was just playing around with leftovers. it’s basically just a paste of calamata olives, capers, dill, and crumbled up graham crackers. you sort of encrust the fish with it and it adds this crunchy texture and sweet and savory flavor (with a kind of earthy accent, from the dill) that just blows the taste buds right off your tongue. it’s never failed me.

What’s up with your car? Remember the "work on your car thread?"

The ding noise was the battery. It was dying and was constantly cycling on and off various things in my dash. I’ve had bad luck with cars. One time in college, at a house party, I drunkenly parked my car on a hill and forgot to put on the e-brake. It rolled down the hill into a pond. We had to wench it out. The next year I fell asleep on the interstate and totaled a car on a guard rail. When I got my first real job out of college, I bought myself a then brand-new 2004 Honda Accord EX coupe. It was my dream car. I had it for about three months then passed out on the same stretch of interstate coming home from a New Year’s eve party and totaled it… on the same guard rail. Who does that? My current car is still surviving, just barely, thanks to my newfound commitment to not falling asleep at the wheel.

What is in your collection?
The usual. Pretty much the entire ToyBiz ML run. I have every DCSH figure and am really committed to DCUC. I cherry pick the 25th Anniversary Joes line, and recently got heavy into the McToys Halo 3 stuff. Basically, I’m an articulation junkie. I don’t have to have any connection with the characters or properties to enjoy the toys. I just really like action figures.

Where do you vacation? Where would you like to vacation?

I vacation on my sofa. I’m one of those curmudgeony types who thinks vacations are more stressful than they are relaxing. If I take time off work, I want to spend it doing absolutely nothing. I do, however, occasionally partake of the “impromptu” vacation. Like, sometimes some friends and I will just spontaneously drive to New York or Boston or Houston or some place, spend about 12 hours there just walking around and eating from food carts and shopping at thrift stores, and then drive right back. It’s a hell of a lot of fun.

What other sites do you visit?

Other than Fwoosh and certain adult-oriented sites I don’t have any regular homes on the web. I read a lot of online newspapers; the New York Times, The London Times, and The Onion are my major sources of info.

What do you spend your money?
Food and toys. And credit card debt.

How tall are you?
Six seven on a good day. I’m a freak. But when I’m in line at Subway or some place and the guy making my sandwich is all like, “Damn, how tall is you?!” I usually just say, “five nine.”

What music do you enjoy?(t.a.t.u.?)
I consider myself a musical elitist. I’m a real snob, actually. But I really enjoy “ironic” music. The so-bad-it’s-good stuff. Like cheesy 80s rock and certain pop stuff. Yes, I like t.a.t.u. Their first album was outstanding. And I still have a crush on Yulia. She reminds me of a dancer I dated in college. I like the minxy, pixie types. I digress… Other than Russian synth pop, I also enjoy modern chamber stuff, like Portishead, Denali, Interpol, etc. Some of my fave mainstream bands are Pearl Jam, Radiohead, R.E.M., The Flaming Lips, etc. But I mostly listen to indie stuff – Pinback, old Deathcab, Helium, Rainer Maria, etc. I also dig on the “weird” electronic stuff, like Vangelis and Aphex Twin. But my favoritest band ever is probably Sigur Ros.

What are some of your standard signature dance moves?

For a giant white guy, I can actually bust a pretty decent move. I invented a move once – it’s called “bursting bubbles”. It pretty much involves spastically jerking your upper body around as if giant bubbles were colliding with you and bursting on your face. It’s hot. While on the subject of dance, it’s a little known fact that I absolutely love modern dance. The artsy interpretive stuff. I’m one of the few straight guys I know who genuinely enjoys ballet and dance recitals.

You are funny without belittling people.  How is that possible?

Really? I guess I just really suck at belittling people. Cuz believe me, I’m tryin’!


What is in your future?

Unprecedented critical and commercial literary success, pure burning eternal passionate love, federal incarceration, or maybe just a lot of fried food. It’s tough to say.

What is in our future? like in the next 50 years.

Violence and mayhem! I have a really negative outlook on our global future. I see us sliding inevitably toward a clichéd dark, dystopian future wrought with oppressive government, landscape raping war, and perhaps a humanity-threatening robot uprising. I’m crossing my fingers for a zombie apocalypse, but I think nuclear holocaust is probably the more likely world-ending catastrophe.

How many lovers will you seduce in the next 50 years?
Zero. I’m celibate.

What is wrong with you?

That’s a loaded question. The doctors call it a “chemical imbalance”. I just think I’m too “aware”. But I’m only crazy in the classic, conventional ways. And that just makes me even madder, since I don’t feel unique in my insanity. I practice narcissism as habit, but it just belies a mind-warping introspectiveness. I have a really hard time distinguishing what I think from what I feel. So, relationships are really hard for me. I get all muddled up in my own head and I aggrandize everything. Then I become very ardent and possessive. An ex-girlfriend once called me a black hole. She said I just suck up all the energy in the room and dominate the mood of everything I’m a part of. I try to always keep that assessment in mind. As such, I prefer to let my emotions remain in the past. It’s much easier to remember loving someone than it is to actually love them.

Thanks Long_road! 


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