Ten Avengers Costumes Marvel Legends Will Never Touch

(Author’s note: Every hero is someone’s favorite and we here at the Fwoosh know that. This article is just a bit of fun — if we zing your #1, know it’s not meant to be taken seriously. Well, unless your favorite character is the Whizzer. Then we make no apologies.)

With the release of Captain America: The Winter Soldier behind us, and Avengers 2 on the far horizon, interest in Marvel’s premier superteam is at an all-time high. One thing we as collectors know is that new movies mean new action figures — but not all Avengers are created equal. For every toyetic red, white, and blue shield-slinger or hammer-wielding thunder god, there is a silly, spandex-clad goofball whose chances of getting their own figure are nil. Let’s fire up the Anthill database and take a look at 10 Avengers Costumes Marvel Legends Will Never Touch.  (Warning! May contain spoilers!)

10. Wonder Man

Wonder Man has had more ugly outfits than Stan Lee has had bad toupées. While Simon’s first costume was no great shakes, it’s what came later that was truly objectionable. The suit the Beast designed for him in Avengers #161 was a red, yellow, and green monstrosity that, in turn, inspired this little number. I know this costume is supposed to be evocative of “step-brother” Vision’s appearance, but Simon still looks like a superpowered ticket-taker at this year’s Reggae Summersplash. In our heroes defense, check out his eyes — the poor guy is clearly blind. Get him into a support group with Daredevil and the Shroud STAT.

9. Hawkeye

The 1970s have a lot to answer for. So many questions. Are Clint’s legs shaved or is he naturally smooth? Does he wear socks with those boots? Hell, where do you even find purple boots? Other than George Clinton’s closet, I mean? This back-to-basics Hawkeye didn’t last long, but he certainly left an impression. Let’s just hope he’s wearing a pair of spankies under that skirt — Jarvis has enough on his plate without having to disinfect the chairs after every Avengers meeting.

8. The Whizzer

Okay, let’s get the incontinence jokes out of the way now. It’s not the Whizzer’s fault he pees a little every time he sneezes — it’s a serious issue for men of a certain age, and the fact you even brought it up shows an insensitivity and callousness that shames us all. What’s that? I brought it up? Look, we can sit here all day and argue about who said what, or we can talk about old Bob here. So why wouldn’t Hasbro want to make an action figure of a senior citizen in a mostly yellow costume named the Whizzer? You figure it out.

7. Deathcry

Who? Exactly. Deathcry was a product of the 1990s and it shows. From her Mad Libs-style moniker to her recycled Wolverine haircut and asymmetrical armored outfit, she’s all the worst comic book cliches of the decade rolled into one ugly hairball. Updated costume or not, the chances of her getting a figure before, well, anybody are pretty low. Seriously, Hasbro is more likely to do Starfox over this train-wreck of a character. Also, is that a tail? (shudder)

6. The Falcon

The Falcon is flying high thanks to his role in Captain America 2, but it hasn’t always been good times and stolen SHIELD wing-suits for our feathered friend. When he debuted, the Falcon couldn’t actually fly. Yeah, I know — pretty lame, but Cap was always forgiving of his partner’s shortcomings. After all, he hung around with Rick Jones, for Kirby’s sake! Anyway, the odds of Hasbro producing this character without his wings are about the same as Sony relinquishing the Spider-Man license any time soon — not flippin’ likely. I do like his necklace, though — “Snaffles caps off of any size jug, bottle, or jar!”

5. Moondragon

One of the more obvious additions to this list, and Moonie truly earns her place here. Unapologetically goofy, she wore this bizarre getup for the better part of two decades — it took her dying to finally upgrade to a more sensible outfit! It’s hard to say what retailers would balk at more, her bald head or her double dragons. Granted, the new Moonstone body would be perfect for a character with such ample, er, “attributes,” but there’s no way someone this nude/bald would ever make it to brick-and-mortar stores. Well, unless they’re a member of the WWE, anyway. Lousy double standards.

4. Gilgamesh

Speaking of wardrobe-challenged wrestlers, may I present Gilgamesh. Originally, the Big G showed up at Avengers mansion dressed like a bull fetishist in a loincloth and cape, but apparently that outfit was deemed too silly, hence this minimalist garb. Never mind the fact he looks like he’s wearing plastic bags for shoes, nobody but the most hardcore fan even knows who this chucklehead is. Put some clothes on and maybe we’ll talk, Gilly. But don’t count on it.

3. Doctor Druid

Yeah, no. I don’t care how interesting they try and make this guy, he’s still a 3rd-rate Doctor Strange in women’s activewear. He’s so lame, Marvel doesn’t even know what to do with him. He’s been dead, crazy, dead, AND crazy — he’s the Rodney Dangerfield of the magic set. Lest you think I’m kidding, the last time ol’ Doc was killed, Hellstorm threw his still-burning corpse into a garbage can. You could give this guy the coolest costume in the world and Hasbro still wouldn’t pee on him if he were on fire — and he was.

2. Giant Man

Didn’t think I’d go there, huh? Hey, even I’ll admit Hank has sported some ugly threads over the years. This over-designed eyesore was the work of Hank’s then-girlfriend Janet Van Dyne (aka the Wasp), proving there’s nothing a guy won’t do to keep a chick around. Well, other than take his anti-psych meds, anyway. I’d bet good money Hasbro would sooner tackle Henry Pym, Scientific Adventurer before this red-and-blue abomination. But hey, prove me wrong, Hasbro — prove me wrong.

1. Captain America

Originally my list had Cap-Wolf, but, honestly, I refuse to give up hope of ever seeing him in figure form. Happily, there was another, even more ridiculous red, white, and blue option just waiting to fall into place. So why is Cap dressed like NFL Superpro, you ask? The concept was the serum that had given Cap his powers was now poisoning our hero, but the real reason was Marvel wanted to give Cap a crappy suit of armor like everyone else wore in the ’90s. Oh, sure, they might claim it was an intentional sendup of the trend now, but considering Marvel was at the forefront of said trend, that seems a little disingenuous. Happily, this is just a footnote now — but with Diamond Select’s recent release of the “Fighting Chance” Cap in their Minimates line, the threat of seeing a version of this suit in Marvel Legends may have just increased a little. Say your prayers, kids — only you can prevent ugly action figures!

So there we go. I’m going on record as saying these costumes don’t have a chance in Hel of getting made — and if I’m wrong, I’ll eat my cybernetic helmet. Watch me do it on the Fwoosh forums!

Whoa! Jason R Mink IS the Man in the Anthill!