Some things are so cool that their entire existence needs to be sealed into a spacetime bubble and protected in a galactic museum somewhere. And sometimes the palpable sting of jealousy that one feels towards another can send one into a state of vibrating apoplexy that the universe itself shudders in sympathy.
It was a watch that turned into a robot, and I wanted one so bad I could lick it. Because, as I said, and will continue to say as this article drags on, it was a watch that turned into a robot, and that idea—a toy that you can strap around your wrist, and it also TELLS YOU THE TIME???—was pure brilliance.
I was a kid throughout the 80s, and I had a watch. At one point, I had two. I wore a black one on one wrist, and I wore a red one on the other. Sometimes other kids would ask me why I wore two watches. The truth was that they had both been gifts from my parents and I wanted to wear them both. But what I said each and every time was that sometimes I needed a second opinion.
Yes, I gave that answer every time. And yes, the rolling of eyes in response to that answer was a reward unto itself.
My watch(es) were just watches. They told me the time. There were, of course, watches that also had calculators on them. Yes, the calculator watch, despite being forged out of pure Nerdonium, was the pinnacle of watch technology at the time. Sure, Tony Stark’s watch could hack into SHIELD’s ultra-top secret encrypted files, but could you make it say BOOBS with a few numbers?
But still, as super-high-tech as a calculator watch was, it couldn’t compare to a WATCH THAT TURNED INTO A ROBOT.
I wanted one as hard as one could possibly want a timepiece toy. But it was not to be. Circumstances, I was a victim of. I had a friend at school that had one. He also had a calculator watch, because apparently the dude just liked living on the edge. But it was the robot watch that I was jealous of.
At any time during class, that motherhumper could just pop off that watchface and have a damned robot with a few transformations.
How the hell did I make it through any class without a watch that turned into a robot? How did I live with myself?
How did I function?
They came in a variety of colors. If my memory is correct, my friend had a black one. Which…that was cool. But there was a red one.
A red watch…that turns into a robot? My favorite color combined with a robot, combined with the cure to classroom boredom, all wrapped up in a tiny package that I could wrap around my wrist.
The future, she was so close.
But it was not to be.
I had to be content to be adjacent to the kid that had a calculator watch and a watch that turned into a robot.
I had a pen that turned into a robot.
And that was cool, don’t get me wrong. But it was no watch that turned into a robot.
Few things were.
Few things are.