While a certain Caped Crusader may lay claim to having the most recognizable Rogues Gallery in comics, Marvel’s wall-crawling wonder Spider-Man isn’t far behind. And though Joe Public may be able to pick Venom, Green Goblin, or Doctor Octopus out of a lineup, those three are just the tip of the archenemy iceberg. Ol’ Web-head has fought countless nutzo baddies in his 50+ years, and none more nutzo than the villains of Grantray-Lawrence’s 1967 Spider-Man cartoon. Sure, the show featured heavies from the pages of the popular comic, but it was the baddies specifically created for the Saturday-morning ‘toon that we’re focusing on tonight. Without further ado, here are ten Spider-Man ’67 villains who need action figures!
10. Parafino
Battling impossible menaces like Blotto and the Phantom from the Depths of Time is all well and good, but occasionally a fella needs a break. Case in point: Parafino. A minor leaguer better suited to scrapping with Blue Falcon and Dynomutt than a major-league hero, this petroleum-byproduct obsessed outcast nonetheless made two appearances on Spidey’s cartoon. If a lifetime of comic and late-night TV consumption has taught me anything, it’s that the sole requirement for operating a wax museum is being EVIL: Madame Tussaud, we’re on to you! Anyway, for having no powers and even less common sense, Parafino nonetheless made things plenty sticky for old Spidey, earning him the #10 spot on this list.
9. Dr. Von Schlick
This slippery scoundrel shocked the scene with his frictionless suit and Prince-based color palate. While this pre-lubed pug-ugly only slid through a single episode, his unconventional power-set made Spidey’s “sock’em and let the cops sort it out” MO a bit harder to pull off. As a side note, I gotta admire the Doc’s sheer lack of charisma: in these modern times, where even our supervillains look like supermodels, seeing this lumpy loser in his crummy costume is oddly inspiring. Makes me want to oil up and go do some crimes!
8. Skymaster
To quote cinematic criminal mastermind Clarence Bodikker, “Ooo, guns, Guns, GUNS!” Spider-Man has had more caps busted at his webbed @$$ than your average rap star, but fortunately has never felt compelled to drop a phat track about it. Instead, he simply bops the offending party on the noggin and moves on with his life. Case in point: Skymaster. This airborne chucklehead never knew what hit him. Can’t say the guy didn’t have it coming, though — who the hell still wears epaulets?
7. Doctor Magneto
Hey, look — a Magneto Marvel Studios can actually use! Granted, he’s not the silver-maned master of magnetism most fans are familiar with, but since Fox has a death-grip on the X-Men franchise, we beggars can’t exactly be choosers. The question is, are fans ready for a Hal Linden lookalike in a magenta cape? It could be argued that the most interesting thing about the Doc is his facial hair, but he did slap Spidey around like a pledge during frat week, so ya gotta give him some props. Plus, his suited body can be reused for a truly villainous bastard a bit further down our list.
6. “Carol”
In this installment, Peter meets a cutie who is as much of a science nerd as he is. Unsurprisingly, she turns out to be an alien. Sigh. Isn’t that always the way, fellows? You finally meet a gal you can bring home to Mom and she ends up the pawn of some pan-galactic straw-boss. A kerfuffle involving spider-powered space immigrants, unstable proton devices, and recrimination a’plenty leaves Spidey on the sticky end of the web in this one. Our hero would do well to just abandon the space-spawned strange and stick with Miss Sure-Thing, Betty Brant. Considering Betty often appears to be the only woman in New York other than Aunt May, it’s hard to understand what Pete is holding out for.
5. Menace from the Bottom of the World
Wallopin’ websnappers! Entire banks are being stolen, drawn deep into the interior of the Earth. When Spidey swings in to investigate, he discovers a race of hirsute humanoids under the sway of the Moleman!
Err, sorry, wrong pic.
Ah, there we go. This “Moleman” is actually escaped criminal called Mugs Reily. Not sure how Mugs managed to dig this far underground, or how he flummoxed an entire race of subterraneans into accepting him as their leader, or why they all speak English… Sigh. Best not to think too much about it. Anyway, Spidey unmasks Mugs, the banks are returned to the surface, and everyone is happy. Well, except for J Jonah Jameson. There’s just no pleasing that guy. Anyway, the “Moleman” figure should come with a removable head so his identity can be revealed Scooby Doo-style.
4. The Master Vine
From the fevered mind of underground animation innovator Ralph Bakshi came one of the most memorable episodes of Spider-Man ’67. In “Vine,” our web-headed hero is transported to a surreal world in which living plants enslave humans making them toil in their underground sugar mines. This episode should be subtitled “Head-Injury Theater” considering our hero gets knocked out three times in the space of a single episode. spider-powers or not, that’s gotta result in some degree of brain damage. Makes the rest of the episode seem downright plausible.
3. Infinata
One of the freakier foes Spidey encountered during his three-season run, the Infinata comes to Earth seeking the Library of Garth (Schwing!). Spider-Man comes into possession of the library, but before he can turn it over to the proper scientific authorities, he is attacked. Using his uncanny abilities, Infinata banishes the wall-crawler to Dimenture 5, a nightmarish realm where the impossible is all too real. After a series of grueling trials, our hero discovers his prison is actually a dimension not of sight or sound, but of mind. Snapping out of Infinata’s thrall, Spidey finds himself back in New York, while the defeated Infinata goes home to polish his thorax. Not shown during the original network run due to its nightmarish imagery, this episode remains a high point in the series and features one of its most toyetic creations to boot.
2. Metal-Eating Robot
Every action figure line worth its salt has embraced the build-a-figure concept. Packing individual pieces of a figure that wouldn’t work at retail allows fans to add more characters to their display and provides incentive for collectors to purchase the entire line. And while these offerings have grown smaller and less impressive since the concept debuted, some clever engineering could still make figures like the metal-eating robot from “Diet of Destruction” possible. Would he be big enough to “eat” a car? Probably not, but considering how undersized my Galactus figure is, I can accept any shortcomings.
1. J. Jonah Jameson
What, you were expecting the Mindworm? JJJ was a thorn in Spider-Man’s side in nearly every episode of the show’s three-season run. He sub-contacted killers, made shady deals with disreputable scientists and basically did everything in his power to stick it to ol’ Web-head, all the while chomping on his trademark cigar. And while I dig Green Goblin as much as the next guy, Osborn is a piker compared to Jameson. This ornery newspaper publisher has a Luthor-level mad-on for Spidey that continues to this day. If that’s not enough to net him a figure, then I’ll eat my Pulitzer.
Want to see Spider-Man ’67 get the action figure treatment? Discuss it on the Fwoosh forums!
Jason R Mink is the Man in the Anthill!
