Ah, comic books. Without them our action figure collections would look very different indeed. Thanks to comics, we have entire worlds of gaudily-clad heroes and villains primed to be plastic icons. But the roots of the comic go much deeper than the cultural terra firma of the 20th century. Before there were grim and gritty heroes like Batman and Wolverine, you had grim and gritty heroes like Beowulf and Odysseus, and their adventures were found not on cheap pulp paper, but on elaborate canvases framed in gold. These paintings may well be considered fine art, but when I think of ’em all I see are potential toys.
10. Albright —The Picture of Dorian Gray
Tapping into some indescribable primordial weirdness, Ivan Albright gave Man’s vanity a face in his 1943 painting The Picture of Dorian Gray. Would translating this into a three-dimensional image be a challenge? You betcha — but the payoff would be amazing. It’s next-level stuff, but production techniques like 3-D printing and color stacking show that’s where our little hobby is heading. It goes without saying the window-box insert would be a representation of the painting’s background — after all, you can’t just throw this guy on a shelf with your Batman figures (although he would make a killer additions to any rogue’s gallery).
9. Goya — Saturn Devouring His Son
Giant monsters. Every decent action figure shelf needs to have a couple. So why not the wild-eyed titan of Goya’s Saturn Devouring His Son? It’s a powerful image, and one that’s haunted many a nightmare since it was painted back in 1819. Granted, the admittedly “unfatherly act” of consuming one’s offspring has never been broached in the action figure world before, but it’s still less horrific than those Little Nicky figures McFarlane produced back in the day. Of course, Saturn’s son would have to be included as an accessory — after all, a guy’s gotta eat.
8. Gustave Moreau — Diomedes Being Eaten By His Horses
Speaking of eating, dig in! This symbology-laden painting is of interest to scholars for its rich metaphors and symbolic representations, but action figure collectors would dig it for its dynamic action and striking forms. And before you say, “Dude, where in the Hell would I display this?!” rest assured — I have no answer. Put it with your other flesh-eating horse toys, I guess. That’s a thing these days, right?
7. George Frederic Watts — The Minotaur
Comic books have gleefully appropriated characters, situations, and iconography from mythology as long as the medium has existed. That said, it’s surprising we don’t have a Minotaur-based superhero. It seems like such a no-brainer. Half-man, half-bull — its the role John C. Riley was born to play. In spite of any worthwhile comic book analogy, the Minotaur would make a fantastic action figure. Due to the Minotaur’s orientation, we don’t actually know what the beastie’s face looks like, but that’s where artistic license comes in. Buy one and build a room-sized maze to trap your other action figures! Then KILL THEM.
6. Raphael — Saint George and the Dragon
Okay, sure — that dragon isn’t all that fearsome. Then again, it isn’t chasing my potato-farming, peasant-ass self around a cornfield either. Saint George has the gear and the wherewithal, not to mention an adoring fan to wipe his brow after the ordeal. As far as it goes, we’ve been given some nice (if fanciful) representations of knights in lines like ToyBiz’s based on the The Lord of the Rings movies, but it would be cool to have something that hewed a little closer to actual period armor. The dragon is so tiny it’s almost an afterthought, but action figure collectors can always use more saddled battle-steeds. He’s smiling at you!
What a happy guy! Diomedes needs to ask George where he gets his horses — this one is a definite upgrade.
5. Matthias Grünewald — The Temptation of Saint Anthony
Okay, I’ll admit it — the subtleties of this painting are lost on me. It clearly has a powerful subtext and features images representative of ideas and concepts way over my head. I included it here because it features some wicked-lookin’ monsters. These guys are downright freaky.
If these critters weren’t born to be action figures, then I will eat my cybernetic helmet. This is a line that cries out for the 4 Horsemen — they’ve already ably handled anthropomorphic lines like 7th Kingdom and Gothtropolis, so they’re more than ready to render these hellish horrors. Anthill prediction: St. Anthony will peg-warm.
Next up, this guy. We all know this guy — he’s been around. Interestingly enough, Magritte’s surrealist masterpiece Son of Man is actually meant to be a self-portrait. Guess he really liked apples.
4. Magritte — Son of Man
The artist had this to say about the piece:
“Everything we see hides another thing, we always want to see what is hidden by what we see. There is an interest in that which is hidden and which the visible does not show us. This interest can take the form of a quite intense feeling, a sort of conflict, one might say, between the visible that is hidden and the visible that is present.”
An image that has long been assimilated into our cultural consciousness, Son of Man has gone on to be referenced by such noteworthy social commentators as Norman Rockwell and The Simpsons. If that doesn’t make it eligible for the action figure treatment, then I don’t know what does.
3. Friberg — Prayer at Valley Forge
George Washington — the original superhero? While it may be a matter better debated by comic scholars, all I can say is I call ’em like I see ’em. Flamboyant costume? Check. Deadly-looking weapon? Check. Character-specific vehicle? Hell, yeah — ol’ Taffy here is the equine version of the Batmobile, minus the high price of gas. While Vintage Fun World produced a George Washington figure back in the hazy 1970s, I can’t help but feel a new version is called for — if nothing else, to complement my imaginary line of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter figures.
Dali — Soft Construction with Boiled Beans
I know, I know — you were expecting the melted clocks. But Dali’s Soft Construction with Boiled Beans is far more toyetic. If these ten paintings were offered as a toy line, then this would be the Build-a-Figure, although it is actually more of a play set, with different alternate pieces included to create new surreal masterworks. Unlike many of the other artist’s I’ve featured, I’m guessing Dali would actually be intrigued by high-end toys based on his art. Having three-dimensional elements to manipulate opens up all sorts of possibilities and could be an invaluable tool in teaching things like perspective and spatial relations. It’s just absurd enough to work.
1. Bosch — Garden of Earthly Delights
When it comes to monsters, Hieronymus Bosch is undeniably the master. No one before or since has touched the nerve that the Netherlandish master exposed in his landmark work The Garden of Earthly Delights. His visions of Hell and human suffering remain some of the most potent and visceral horrors ever committed to canvas.
Bosch’s work is justifiably infamous. It’s been used on album covers, posters, t-shirts — my 13-year-old actually has her eye on a pair of Doc Martens featuring the above images. Nutty, I know, but it’s a nutty world, innit? And if you think the idea of action figure representations of these characters is a pipe dream, consider these remarkable statues. The Fine Art community is clearly down with 3D representations of these little boogers — is a line of high-end toys really so unrealistic?
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