I’m unclear exactly at what point I became an old fogey, that crotchety dude who considered everything back in the day better from action figures to video games to movies to cartoons. Well… except Super Friends, because, you know, Marvin and Wendy don’t hold up well against Justice League Unlimited. Few things make me yearn for simpler times more than whenever I watch wrestling these days. The characters are all too cookie-cutter and look more like male models than rough and rugged guys you’d go across the street to avoid the possibility of stepping on their shoe. Give me some colorful personalities; silly, but memorable gimmicks and charismatic managers and I’ll be good all day.
Before the days of Attitude and the New Generation, Vince McMahon’s World Wrestling Federation was dominated by larger than life superstars in what became known as the “Rock-n-Wrestling Era” (1984-1990). This era was dominated by Hulk Hogan and a cast of characters from “Macho Man” Randy Savage, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, and Andre the Giant that amazingly are referenced faster than guys like Stone Cold or The Rock by mainstream audiences to this day.
I imagine in some sense McMahon must have had an impressive action figure collection growing up as his superstars all featured some unique accessory, whether it be chains, tear away t-shirts, a 2×4, or a snake — everyone had a little something special. Early on in their WWE Legends line, Mattel largely focused on the Rock-n-Wrestling era, but as sales weren’t what execs hoped for, Legends were shelved and incorporated in the main WWE Elite and Basic lines. The majority of these Flashback figures are stars from the New Generation/Attitude eras. Understandably, old school fans want a few more mid ’80s stars than the occasional one or two Mattel has released since the inception of the Flashbacks line. So here’s a look at the must-have Rock-n-Wrestling era stars we’ve gotta have to flesh out our Legends collection.
5. Big John Studd
This was a toss-up between the other giant and fellow Heenan Family member, Haku. Both formed successful Heenan Family tag teams — Studd with King Kong Bundy and Haku won the tag team titles with Andre the Giant — but in the end, I went with Studd because he’s massive and adding another giant to a collection is never a bad thing.
Studd claimed no man could body slam him and issued a $10,000 challenge if any man could get him off his feet. Since a babyface Andre is on the way, we can pit the two giants against each other making for a colossal challenge.
Studd has to come with his smooth red robe, and if Mattel is feeling generous, a duffel bag of money.
4. Earthquake
This big man started making tremors in the WWF after a sneak attack on The Ultimate Warrior, but it wasn’t until he wounded Hulk Hogan and put him on the shelf for months did fans really start to fear the quake. Earthquake remained a main event player through most of 1990 co-main-eventing Summerslam in a grudge match against Hogan and again facing off with Hogan’s Survivor Series team. I miss the teams striving to survive. Sigh. From there, he went on to have a fairly successful tag team with fellow big man Typhoon, dubbed, appropriately enough, “The Natural Disasters,” and the two feuded with the Legion of Doom over the tag team titles.
For Mattel, the temptation may be to go with Earthquake’s Natural Disaster attire (especially since there’s no telling how long it would take to get an accompanying Typhoon figure), but a blue singlet with tremor effect would be perfect.
3. Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake
As a member of “The Dream Team” with Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, Beefcake was impressive, but it wasn’t until he started growing his hair out while shearing his opponents’ heads that he become a pivotal figure in the WWF, battling all of the heels that had moved out of the heavyweight title scene or needed credibility on their way to fighting Hogan. One of the more popular guys of his era, Beefcake was known for “strutting and cutting” and his feared sleeper hold made him a serious threat to capture the Intercontinental title. His peak moment during the time frame came when he teamed with longtime friend Hulk Hogan at Summerslam ’89 to battle Macho Man and Zeus. But you can finally allow Bruti to have his Summerslam matches against The Honky Tonk Man (Elite 21 Flashback) and Mr. Perfect (WWE Legends Series 3) instead of missing out due to injuries.
Here’s a figure that Mattel would knock out the park with their attention to detail. He’s gotta come with a removable cloth jacket — complete with mesh holes — hedge clippers, a bow tie, and his barber’s bag.
2. Junkyard Dog
I figure #1 is obvious, so the real question was this selection. In the ’80s, there were a handful of babyfaces that fans loved, but few were as adored as The Junkyard Dog. Junkyard Dog was a major player in the WWF from 1985-1986 where he frequently teamed with Hogan to battle Terry and Hoss (Dory Jr.) Funk, but he also defeated stars like Valentine, Savage, and Adrian Adonis. We’ve got George “The Animal” Steele. We’ve got Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat and Jake “The Snake” Roberts. Now it’s time for the dog. With most of the main faces of his era done, Junkyard Dog is frequently requested on forums, so let’s unleash him and get him in collector’s hands.
Junkyard Dog would be a fairly simple figure for Mattel. All he needs is a chain with collar to go around his neck and we’re all set. To break up the predominantly red-heavy existing Legends collection, let’s get the Dog in his white tights.
1. Hulk Hogan
Since Hogan has left TNA he’s fair game for this slot, and there was really no chance any other superstar could be in the top spot above “The Hulkster.” Take a look at your Mattel ’80s collection. There’s Nikolai Volkoff, The Iron Shiek, Akeem, Big Bossman, Andre the Giant, “Macho Man,” Piper, “Cowboy” Bob Orton, Paul Orndorff, Kamala, The Ultimate Warrior, etc., and the one common thread with them is Hogan, whose absence from Mattel’s Legends line has been the one beyond-their-control knock against the line. One that potentially was keeping some collectors from signing on and arguably contributing to the premature death of the standalone Legends line. That’s neither here or there now. The important thing is that Hogan is finally an option for Mattel now, and that means there’s no other option for the top spot.
Besides the tag team Wrestlemania I match, with a Hogan figure, we could reenact the main event from Wrestlemania 2-6 and if you’re not a big stickler, you can toss in Wrestlemania 9 as well.
A Mattel Hogan has to have a cloth shirt, bandana and some sort of sound clip to play “Real American.” It’s essential listening for all those post-match pose sessions. So that’s my Top 5. What’s yours?