The Man in the Ant Hill here, and today we look at The 256 PAGE DC SUPER HEROES COLOR BOOK. I know, it sounds lame, but lemmie tell ya: this is no ordinary coloring book. Instead of nice “safe” pictures to color and puzzles to work, we are treated to violence, criminal insanity, child endangerment, and blatant homoeroticism on a grand scale. If there were a kindergarten of deviancy, this would be the primer. But why take my word for it when I can show you pictures?
This tripped-out effort comes to us from the good folks at Merrigold Press. No, I’ve never heard of them either, and they’re downright shy when it comes to volunteering any information about themselves. Aside from the tiny logo in the upper left-hand corner, there is no manufacturing information to be found anywhere on this book–not the strangest thing ever, but unusual enough to make note of. Perhaps they were attempting to distance themselves from the dicey content?
So, the cover–most parents don’t go any further. I mean, it looks innocent enough, right? It’s Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman and Robin smiling as if all is right with the world. But if the first page is any indication, nothing will ever be right again.
Now, I’ve never been one of those people who talk about how Batman and Robin are obviously gay – but as you can see in the above panel, Batman and Robin are obviously gay. Not only are they waking up together, but Bruce has clearly been semi-nude during their time alone in his “penthouse apartment.” Factor in the playful banter, the knowing smiles, the perfect hair–I mean, do I gotta draw ya a map, folks?
Really, Dick? Didn’t you get enough action last night?
So let’s clarify before we go any further: Batman and Robin were doing… something else last night while the Joker was escaping. Something other than preventing a breakout at the maximum-security Asylum that houses the most dangerous criminals in Gotham. Something which involved Bruce being shirtless.
And kids are supposed to color this?
“The Ha-Hacienda?” That’s classic writing right there, folks.
Anyway, Mister J is back in Gotham and he’s ready to dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight. Deciding to mix it up, he commits some low level, yet equally evil crimes like stealing a child’s report card:
“HA HA! I’ve made someone cry!” Now that’s evil.
Wait a minute–Johnny Blake?
Yep, you heard it here first, folks–this is the secret prequel to THE DARK KNIGHT RISES.
Anyway, Joker gives an old man a lift–only to abandon him miles from the city. EVIL!
Sweet ride, though.
Back at the penthouse, the Dynamic Duo finally decide to get it in gear, and, even then, Bruce needs help getting his clothes on. What is it with these billionaire playboys, anyway?
Really, Bruce? There has to be “some reason”? The reason is he’s the flippin’ Joker, ya cement-head!
Our heroes track the Joker down in fairly short order. I’m not sure how, since someone tore that page out of the coloring book, but we’ll just have to assume it was exciting.
“Meanwhile, Robin is enjoying himself…”
Robin, badly in need of a comb and a better writer, takes on the villain’s stooges, but makes the mistake of turning his back on the Joker.
There you have it; given the chance, the Joker would happily shoot Robin–in the back, no less! Granted, it lacks the subtle eloquence of a simple crowbar, but it’s still pretty brutal for a kid’s coloring book.
Batman’s not havin’ it, though; after all, those Gotham nights get cold & lonely…
A swift kick in the face buys Joker his freedom, but Batman follows, chasing the Clown Price of Crime onto a movie set. Wait, a movie set – in Gotham? Two words: Snuff. Film.
Leaping at his foe, Batman overshoots the Joker and ends up hanging from a perilous rope bridge. Wow, this must be some snuff film. So, Robin tries to buy his partner’s freedom but Batman’s shaky morals suddenly kick in.
“Quiet, idiot! Don’t you want to live?” Priceless. And we finally get a decent picture to color. Why aren’t ALL of the pages like this?
Pretty cool way to die, huh? But fate or lazy writing is with Batman and we discover there’s a net at the bottom of the cliff (it is a film set, after all) and the Caped Crusader survives the fall.
Joker slips away, turning up next at the local state pen. He forges the governor’s signature on some release papers, bailing out “Dugan,” a con who has offered anyone in the criminal underground $100,00 to free him from prison.
Got that, kids? Jail is also known as the “joint”!
One Bat-Copter ride later and the Dynamic Duo are back on course. Swooping in, Bats drives Joker’s car off of the road and onto a beach, causing what I can only assume are the deaths of hundreds of freshly hatched sea turtles. Hey, Batman protects Gotham’s people, not it’s wildlife…
Imagine poor Alfred’s reaction when he first saw this thing: “Another vehicle, Master Bruce? But you already have a Batmobile… You say you need to fly? What about your Batplane, then? Too big? Well, there’s always the Batgyro — what? Written out of continuity? (Sigh) Very good, sir. The usual wash and wax, I assume?”
I wonder if he has a license to fly that thing? Anyway, here is where the “coloring” comes in, courtesy of this book’s original owner.
Nice try, kid, now get back on the short bus.
Anyway, Joker’s plans thwarted, he decides on a new course of action: he’ll steal valuable autographs! I know, trying to follow this story is like being trapped in a freshly painted room with no ventilation.
That’s some smoking jacket, Bruce–I have a couch in the family room with the same pattern.
Anyway, Robin, disguised as the autograph hunter from the paper, spends the day collecting autographs. I assume that when he says stuff like, “Gee! The top pitcher in the league!” he’s deep in character and not just a total douche.
Yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and call it – total douche. Anyway, the Joker, being the canny thief he is, comes up with a brilliant plan to acquire the valuable autograph book: HE GRABS IT AND RUNS AWAY. Ahhh, but they don’t make criminal masterminds like this any more — the balls in your court, Professor Pyg .
By the way, the little guy? Artemus Bigby (ugh), who’s autograph is so valuable he’s standing alone in the middle of a store promotion. So the guy can’t give copies of his book away, but his autograph is worth something? Kindle, you’re killing the printed word.
Joker and his boys come after Artemus, but, surprise, prove completely ineffectual.
Wow. It’s like the artist lost his DC style guide and just began using a picture of Phyllis Diller as a model when it came time to draw the Joker. I mean:
I’m not sure who should feel insulted here.
Anyway, suddenly it’s the end and all is as it should be. The Joker’s plan has been foiled, the autographs are safe, but THEN:
HOLY CRAP! THE JOKER HAS A GUN AGAINST ROBIN’S HEAD! IN A COLORING BOOK! And check out the Boy Wonder–he couldn’t be more relaxed. This could very easily be his last seconds on Earth and yet he looks like he’s reading a bus schedule. What kind of drugs do you think Batman has him on? Seriously, this kid HAS to have some sort of post traumatic stress disorder. I imagine him curled up on the Batcave floor in a fetal ball, weeping…
“Look, Mommy, I colored a picture for you!”
Very grim, indeed. Anyway, Batman being Batman has an ace up his sleeve:
But all is not well.
Serves ya right, you dumbass. Bet you regret not shooting Robin now, huh?
Please make sure there’s room in that padded cell for me, too, Bruce–after this I need a little break…
Jason R Mink is The Man in the Ant Hill!
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