I never had Ripcord, but it’s not his fault. I had nothing against Ripcord, but his only crime was timing and the fact that he wasn’t Roadblock or Scrap Iron or any of the ’84 releases I did get.
Out of the 11 non-vehicle releases in 1984, I ended up with 7. That’s not a bad ratio. But in 1984 my attention was diverted due to the new-to-the-aisles releases of Transformers, Super Powers and Secret Wars, in addition to the continuing adventures of the Masters of the Universe line. As much as I loved G.I. Joe, my attention was split in too many directions and some characters had to slip through the cracks. Ripcord was, unfortunately, one of them. He didn’t transform.
However, the cruelties of the toy aisle and her bittersweet affections haunted me at the point when my fickle inclinations made me look past what Ripcord wasn’t—a ninja—and finally spark the desire to own him.
Man, that last sentence was a tongue sandwich.
As could sometimes be the case, the G.I. Joe comic breathed life into characters that might not have grabbed my attention right away. Some characters needed a little push to make them stand out a little bit more on the shelf, and Ripcord was one of them.
The issue that tipped me over the edge was issue #45. Previous to this issue, Ripcord had been courting a girl in a bear suit. If you’re familiar with the Joe comic, then you know I’m talking about Bongo the Balloon Bear, because you’re civilized and were born wearing a monocle like all people of good taste and great breeding. Underneath all of that fur was a curly-haired girl named Candy Appel. Through a confluence of events that could happen to anyone named after something resting at the end of a stick, Candy—the daughter of a rather portly Crimson Gurdsman—was arrested, kidnapped and then, well…let’s say stopped appearing.
Ripcord, unaware that the Appel had been cored, without knowledge that the balloon bear had popped, decided that Candy had been stolen away to Cobra Island, where he ran afoul of Zartan. An entirely different subplot involving Zartan was unfolding about this time, as Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes were about to drop a whole plate full of Ninja Spaghetti all over Zartan’s lap, as this was the issue we learned the identity of the Hard Master’s killer. Shit was coming to a head, yo.
The exchange was brief, but, as usual, tense, and the game of cat and mouse between Ripcord and Zartan—both of whom being ’84 Joes—finally made me pull my head out of my rear admiral and finally shove Ripcord to the top of the want list.
But it was too late. Ripcord, who had once peppered the toy aisles, was gone. I never saw him, and pretty soon the ’85 Joes began to spill out onto the pegs, and my attention was once again diverted by new and shiny things.
So that, friends and neighbors, is how you end up not getting a Joe. Time, circumstance, stupidity and chance.
Therefore, I have no stories to tell of what terrible, horrible, uncouth and rude things Ripcord’s action figure did to my other action figures. There was no bludgeoning, no stabbing, no shooting, no nothing. No nothing? That ain’t no double negative, is it? You’re a double negative!
Also I guess he was in a movie or something.