That artwork. Those little window boxes. The excruciating time between opening the package, putting the vehicle together, and then running it around the living room. The various G.I. Joe vehicles hold an important place in my childhood memories.
I was one of those kids who kept each Joe or Cobra with their weapon of choice, a habit I haven’t deviated from to this day. It’s absolutely unthinkable to pose Snake Eyes without his UZI, or Gung Ho without his grenade launcher. Sure, in the heat of battle they might grab another gun, but when the fighting starts they always go back to their default weapons.
I’m the same way with the vehicles. If the vehicle didn’t come with a specific driver, then it was open to anybody. But if that perfect marriage of vehicle and driver happened to come packaged together, then everybody else knew to keep their damn hands off that ride. Other Joes might get to tag along on the A.W.E. Striker, but it was Crankcase who was going to drive it every time. Some may call me anal retentive for that. Some may call me “Larry.” Neither is right. I’m just a man who respects the love between a soldier and his piece of military hardware and knows the Joes probably feel the same.
However . . .
If you’re like me, sometimes you didn’t feel like dragging out the vehicles. Sometimes you just wanted a bit more of a close-quarters shootout that didn’t involve motor sounds, missile-shooting, and all that fuss and bother. When the vehicles were left behind, which Joes were guaranteed to see action even without their vehicles? Let’s take a look at the top five, one of whom may surprise you. In no order . . .
Clutch
Clutch was one of the original 13 Joes. He came with the V.A.M.P., which was one of the earliest vehicles in a time where there weren’t that many. That, of course, meant he got a lot of action in those early days driving around the other Joes. Clutch got upgraded to a different color scheme and a “V.A.M.P. Mark II” within two waves. That was very rare. Most of the original 13 Joes only received one figure, and if they got a second one and their name wasn’t Snake Eyes, it took a lot longer. But Clutch was such a consummate badass that he got an almost immediate upgrade/reissue. Clutch makes the list out of sheer tenacity and doing a job that maybe many others could do, but not with as much skill. Clutch does not take your crap. Even without his signature vehicle, he will shoot you in your face.
Steeler
Steeler was another of the original thirteen. He drove the MOBAT, which was a tank that actually moved and rolled right over enemy soldiers like every wartime nightmare you’ve ever had. But here’s the thing with Steeler that set him apart from Clutch — Clutch didn’t come with a weapon. I’m assuming the VAMP was supposed to be his weapon, so, badass though he was, he had to borrow someone else’s gun when he was going out in the field without his ride. But Steeler? Steeler not only came with a gigantifrickinormous TANK . . . he also came with an UZI.
Steeler is such an unbelievable hardcore motherlover that it’s not enough to ride into battle with a tank, he’s also going to bring an UZI. Because Steeler really really really really really really wants to kill some bad guys. He even has a helmet with a pair of binoculars strapped to it, so he won’t have any trouble killing whoever he wants to regardless of how far away they are.
Steeler is determined to leave a pile of bodies in his wake.
Wild Bill
Wild Bill was a cowboy, flew a helicopter, wore a pair of six-shooters (that unfortunately were permasculpted to his body and were not a separate pair of accessories waaaah), and was also a damn cowboy soldier. If Sgt. Rock made love to John Wayne, Wild Bill is the baby that would shoot his way out of whatever baby place this strange child gestated in, grab some rotgut whiskey and shoot up a saloon while making love to all of the whores in Deadwood. And when he was done, he would plant a flag on the sun. Wild Bill’s horse was a helicopter death machine with a crap-ton of missiles, and his co-pilot was (usually) a Native American. This does not require further explanation. They should give him his own prime time television show where he just grooms his damn mustache for two hours and you’re grateful for the opportunity to watch.
Sgt. Slaughter
Some of you out there might not think of Sgt. Slaughter as a “vehicle driver.” You are the very people that the Sarge will roll his Triple-T tank over on his way to killing every Cobra he can see. I was not, am not, and will never be a wrestling fan. And I am not a “Sgt. Slaughter” fan, as in the real life, angry, yelling freak-chinned behemoth that the Joe character is based on. However, I am a G.I. Joe Sgt. Slaughter fan because of a lifelong and hopefully platonic fascination with the “strong guys” on various teams. Also, his name was “Slaughter” and that’s . . .well, seriously. Slaughter. That is evocative. At ease, disease.
And finally . . .
Wildcard
Wildcard — not to be confused with Wild Bill — was the driver of the Mad Dog. The Mad Dog was a gigantic vehicle that looked like it was designed by Rambo’s erection.
It had a gigantic gun and a smaller gun and some missiles and probably more guns somewhere else, and it split into a couple different vehicles just because it could. When Cobra Commander first saw it he cried so much his face plate rusted and Destro had to rock him to sleep. Wildcard drove this monstrous icon of destruction while carrying a machete. So when the Mad Dog was benched and Wildcard was without his signature machine . . . he had a machete.
Wildcard brought a machete to a war.
A machete.
That is some straight-up Jason Voorhees shizz.
And I need them all in six inches, even without their vehicles.
*All pictures courtesy YoJoe.com