Who was it that Darth Vader trusted to polish his helmet to a glossy sheen?
Who was it that laughed in the face of thermal detonators, before pulling out the Galactic Anti-Thermal Detonator Remote Control?
Who was it that gave Yoda directions to Dagobah?
Ugnaught, that’s who.
Who was it that could make the Kessel run in maybe three or four parsecs, and in reverse, no less?
Who was it that was Obi-Wan Kenobi’s first choice to take young Luke to as a baby, but had to tell Ben that a kid would “harsh his groove?”
Who was it that told Jabba it might be smarter of him to just stay in his throne room and have people come to him instead of slithering all over the place like a punk-ass worm?
Who was it that taught protocol to the protocol droids?
Ugnaught, that’s who.
Who was it that introduced Sheev to Shmi?
Who was it that sold Oola to Jabba because, and I quote, “bitch used my toothbrush?”
Who was it that was waiting for Boba Fett in the belly of the Sarlacc, blaster at the ready?
Ugnaught, that’s who.
Who was it that laughed when dyslexic people read the word “Sith?”
Who was it that really shot first?
Who was it that found Luke’s hand?
Who was it that took Chewbacca’s medal?
Who was it that gave the Bothans the plans?
Ugnaught.
That’s who.
Who was it that repositioned Han’s hands after he went down into carbon freeze chamber for “dramatic effect?”
Who was it that never let a Wookie win?
Who was it that first pulled the ears off a Gundark?
Who was it that herded the crap out of Nerfs and was the envy of every other Nerf herder in the galaxy?
Ugnaught, that’s who.
Who was it that actually came out of light speed too close, but blamed it on that other guy?
Who was it that introduced himself as “Force” to all the ladies, and then followed it up with “May the Force be with you?”
Who was it that just happened to have a spare set of human-sized clothes for Leia to change into on Endor?
Who was it that responded to the question “What’s a Jar jar?” With “Delicious?”
Who was it that ate Jar Jar Binks, is what I’m asking?
Ugnaught.
That’s who.
Who was it who referred to his ass as “not a moon, but a space station?”
Who was it that liked the way Tauntauns smelled on the inside?
Who was it that was rocketed off of Alderraan right before it blew up, and was later adopted by a simple farm couple, only to grow up into the premier hero of his adopted world?
Ugnaught, that’s who.
Who was it that made coffee with IG-88’s head? Who was it that was kicked out of Max Rebo’s band after giving Snootles a tootle? Who was it that deliberately misspelled Danger’s name on the Bounty Hunter Registration card as “Dengar?” Who was it that delivered some guy named “Bob Skywalker” to Darth Vader before realizing his mistake? Who was it that owned the Millennium Falcon when it was just the Bicentennial Falcon? Who was it that never had a bad feeling about this, and in fact was pretty cool about it?
Who is it that needs a Black Series figure as soon as possible?
Ugnaught.
That’s who.