Television has a long history of providing us with characters whose lives revolve around sleuthing. Whether professionally employed by the police department or doing it on their own as a private investigator, if there’s a crime out there then there’s no doubt somebody ready to take the case. After all, Batman and Sherlock Holmes can’t be everywhere.
Growing up in the late ’70s and early ’80s, it seemed like every other show was about solving crimes. From Hart to Hart to Remington Steele, from Hill Street Blues to Cagney and Lacey, from Spenser: For Hire to Miami Vice, there was an nigh-unstoppable onslaught of detectives, investigators and crimefighters.
So naturally, some of these characters need some toys.
Here’s the top five crime-solving heroes that would make a great action figure. Obviously, your list will differ from mine. Or you’ll think these would make the dullest toys ever and wonder what is wrong with me. Either way, here we go!
Peter Gunn
Not only did this show have the jazziest, coolest theme song of its time, Peter Gunn was a smooth, nattily-attired sophisticate who could take down the grimmest of bad guys without mussing his hair. Peter Gunn could teach James Bond a thing or two on never losing your cool when the fists are flying. Any action figure of Peter Gunn would have to be of him in an impeccably tailored suit, with a gun, a cigarette and a determined stare.
Columbo
Essentially the polar opposite of Peter Gunn, Columbo was a shabby, sloppily dressed man who stumbled around in a haze and looked as if he had been left in heap in the corner of the room. With his rumpled tan overcoat, his unruly hair and his lopsided expression Columbo didn’t look like he could solve a single crossword puzzle, not to mention a murder case.
Oh, one more thing …
Columbo always got his man — or woman, depending on the case. Don’t let the shabbiness fool you, because they don’t come any sharper. Columbo had a great look and would make a fantastic toy.
Jim Rockford
$200 a day, plus expenses. If you had that much money, then the you could become part of the Rockford Files. Jim Rockford was a ex-con (wrongfully accused, of course) private investigator that lived in a mobile home and seemed to have connections everywhere. Rockford could have multiple heads as long as one had a cocky grin.
Magnum P.I.
At some point you realize you don’t have a lot of action figures with iconic mustaches, and you also realize that this is a fact that needs to be rectified. There is no mustache this side of Rollie fingers more iconic than the one that resides just underneath Tom Selleck’s nose, therefore Thomas Magnum IV edges his way into the list. The clothes, the Ferrari, and did I mention the mustache? Unless the show starred Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas, it just didn’t get more 80s than Magnum P.I. With a colorful beach shirt, Magnum would represent the biggest sartorial shift from the rest of this list, but that’s what would make it great.
Detective John Munch
There are no doubt plenty of more iconic detectives I could name here, but Detective John Munch is essentially the key to the television multiverse, connecting more shows into a single continuity than any other character, and therefore deserves to have a figure. Plus there’s the whole Richard Belzer thing, as in there’s no line this guy can’t toss off with the perfect level of snark and condescension. Law & Order is an institution at this point that has spread tendrils out in every direction with varying strengths and weaknesses, but Munch’s character was always watchably sardonic, and could easily fit into every damn toy line ever, because that’s what Munch does.
Those are my choices, so what are yours? Any Murder, She Wrote fans out there want an Angela Lansbury figure? Don’t be shy!