To prove I have psychic abilities, I’m going to read your minds right now. You’re thinking something along the lines of, “Oh great, the Internet really needs another article full of opinions about the prequels.” How close was I? It’s pretty much impossible to come up with anything new to say after all these years; this ground is more well-worn than the Chisholm trail. And yet here we are, face to face with yet another article about three movies that have wreaked havoc on Star Wars fandom since 1999.
When news first began to spread about the actuality of prequels, I jumped in wholeheartedly. I paid attention to every scrap of information, and couldn’t wait to be immersed in this far-away galaxy once again. I bought the toys before the movie even debuted (a scenario that is very familiar as I sit here with Kylo, Rey, and Finn figures purchased months before the new movie arrives) and watched that first trailer with a sweaty anticipation. Lightsabers, Jedi, and Sith. Oh my. It was as thugh the years between 1983 and 1999 had boiled away.
I wish I could say I was disappointed in the first movie, but I wasn’t. I was genuinely entertained by it. Entertained, yes but . . . was I satisfied? Those are two vastly different things. The Internet, in all of its fickle, faux-intellectual, wannabe-movie-reviewer nature, sometimes forgets that you can be entertained by a movie without being fully satisfied by it. But the problem with this being Star Wars and having so much invested in the property from so many standpoints emotionally and nostalgically is I wanted that first movie to be everything possible to me. In short, I needed the Phantom Menace to freakin’ blow my mind. I wanted to feel everything I felt upon first seeing those movies as a kid.
In hindsight, I was asking too much of the movie. I was asking too much of George Lucas, and I was asking too much of common sense and reason.
I wasn’t being honest. Because those legendary venerated original movies? They didn’t fully satisfy me upon first viewing either.
Don’t get me wrong. I adored them, and since I’m slightly older than the original trilogy itself, it’s been a major part of my entire life . . . but I’m fan enough to admit I initially wanted more out of them as well. For that, I blame the toys.
The toys presented all these strange, bizarre, awesome new characters: Hammerheads and Walrus Men, Death Star Droids and Jawas, Sand People and Greedo. But those characters were limited to mere fractions of the screen time. Blink and you’d miss some of them. So when I finally saw the movie I was a little let down by the lack of this thick, immersive experience featuring all these bizarre creatures in a mind-melting larger-than-life story.
The same thing happened with The Empire Strikes Back. Dengar, IG-88, 2-1B and so many more were just bit players. The movie itself was fantastic, and I quickly reconciled my assumptions with the experience of the movie itself, but I will absolutely admit feeling let down that those awesome toys didn’t get more to do.
So with that in mind, how could the prequels possibly compare with 16 years — that’s 1983 to 1999 — of writing prequels in my head, imagining Clone Wars and Vader versus a young General Kenobi and the rise of the Empire and Sith versus Jedi?
It couldn’t. That is literally asking for an impossibility. That would require George Lucas to visit every single fan of Star Wars with a notepad in hand and asking them in person, “What do you want to see in the prequels?”
My disappointment in the prequels festered for a while, but in the end I’ve ended up making a certain peace with it. Now I see those movies as ingredients and nothing more. When Star Wars as a concept can be bought and sold with impunity, and the creator of that universe can be depowered and have little say over what happens to it, the idea of “canon” has been rendered meaningless. The prequels can have as little or as much importance as we, the Star Wars fan, wants them to have.
With that, we come to the point of the article. We’ve got the good, which are elements of the prequels that actually worked; the bad, which are elements that could use some massive overhauls; and the ugly, which are parts that should be jettisoned like Imperial trash.
The Good:
–Qui-Gonn and Obi-wan. Obi-Wan comes out of the prequels mostly unscathed due to an impressive and earnest performance by Ewan McGregor who had large shoes to fill. Alec Guiness branded Obi-wan Kenobi with a very specific aura and Ewan was very adept at showing us a convincing earlier version of the mysterious sage we met on Tatooine. And, of course, Liam Neeson is always entertaining. Starting us at the beginning with Obi-Wan being just a pupil was a great way to introduce him. With Qui-Gonn’s death, Obi-Wan’s appropriation of the mentor role was very natural, and the conflict he felt as Anakin slipped away was well-played. From Obi-Wan’s side, the Kenobi-Vader feud was given its due.
–The Effects. Say what you will about green-screen hollowness and the benefits of practical effects, but there’s not really any single scene in the entire trilogy that isn’t dense and beautiful. The technical team did a fantastic job populating all of that empty space with fully realized worlds.
–The rise of the Emperor. If you ignore that ridiculous spinning when the Jedi come to arrest Palpatine, Ian McDiarmid stole every scene he was in with his serpentine glare and his buttery, forked-tongue delivery. Palpatine’s rise to power and behind the scenes machinations were some of the most entertaining aspects of the entire trilogy, and his combination of devil-on-the-shoulder prodding and pure malevolence raised the bar for villainy.
–Lightsabers. Everything I wanted to see, from Darth Maul’s double-bladed weapon to dual-sword wielding down to Yoda using a lightsaber was featured. And you can naysay as often as you’d like that Yoda shouldn’t use a lightsaber, but you’re dead inside if your Kenner Yoda didn’t grab Luke’s lightsaber from time to time and get funky against Stormtroopers or Vader himself. It was just unfortunate that his fight was less than appealing.
–The Sith. I loved the bad guys. Even if they weren’t given much to do, Darth Maul and Darth Tyrannus were both exactly what could be expected from the ultimate evil in the galaxy. From Maul’s silent acrobatics and predatorial deadliness, to Tyrannus and his calm and stately evil, the Sith stole their respective shows. Besides, it’s Christopher Lee. It’s systemically impossible for him to not be the most entertaining bad guy around regardless of the movie that couches him. Speaking of which . . .
–Christopher Lee. Continuing a tradition of getting great British actors, Christopher Lee ate every scene he was in. Bit into it, you could say. Like Peter Cushing before him, Christopher Lee brought a true Hammer horror elegance to his role. If the movie had been Star Wars Episode II: Dooku Does a Crossword, it would probably be the best of the series.
–Jedi extermination. While some of this fell flat, I felt a lot of this was surprisingly effective and evocative. It showed just how far-reaching the Emperor was in his power and how blind the supposedly all-powerful Jedi could be. One of the most chilling scenarios of the trilogy. To his credit, even Anakin’s role in this played well. On the other hand . . .
The Bad:
–Anakin. We didn’t need to see him as a child, and the fact that he was perpetually snotty, whiny, and unlikeable as a young adult did the character of Darth Vader no favors. I know a lot of it was done to connect Luke and Anakin, but it just made it seem like whining was a genetic trait. Anakin was, to put it simply, never sympathetic. I came for the story of an adult who made the wrong choices and was almost destroyed in the process, and I found the story of a dumb kid who whined for no reason, rebelled ineffectually, and then followed the elder Sith into the white van because he wanted the shiny philosophical lollipop that was offered him. Anakin as played does not exist in my personal canon, across the board. And he also didn’t build C-3P0. He was perhaps the greatest disappointment of all.
–Yoda’s leaping. The problem with a fully CG character is that he can do anything . . . even if he shouldn’t. Yoda’s fighting technique with a lightsaber should have been as calm and serene as the little green creature himself. Effortless, with an extreme conservation of movement backed up with a pure mastery of the Force. Instead, we got a weird game of leapfrog with lightsabers. It looks cool when you first watch it just based on flashy whizzing, but then you realize that it could have been a lot cooler.
–Jango and Boba. Having a character named Jango Fett was fine. Having him be the clonedaddy of a weird little kid who would end up being the most feared bounty hunter was not. All this did was diminish a character whose entire appeal is centered around an unknown quality that allows you to make him as cool as you want him to be. The more you know is not always better.
–The Clone Wars. So this had nothing to do with things like Obi-Wan fighting his own clone, or any number of cool things that could be done with clones? The Clone Wars were just a war fought with a bunch of photocopies of Boba’s clonedaddy? Huh. Kind of let down.
–The romance. The romance of Anakin and Padme was like a school without a science department: absolutely no chemistry anywhere.
–Anakin versus Obi-Wan. This was just too much of the wrong thing and not enough of the right thing. Lots of spinning sabers, flashy moves and such — with absolutely no heart. “I have the high ground!” screamed the overt metaphor. Horrible.
–Anakin versus Obi-Wan. Yes, this gets another spot, because Anakin managing to whine while burning alive is still horrible. Yes, we get it, you hate Obi-Wan. We didn’t need you to tell us while you did your best impression of a Sithkabob.
The Ugly
–Overcomplicated assassinations. That entire attempted Padme assassination-thing seemed needlessly involved. I’m surprised Colonel Mustard didn’t make an appearance. Speaking of Padme . . .
–Padme. Not that Natalie was unattractive (except for that one scene in Revenge of the Sith where she looked . . . greasy?) but, wow, this character was as hollow and wooden as a flute. Kind of makes you appreciate how fully formed Leia was as a female character.
–Jar Jar. Easy target. I don’t even hate him. I’m just tired of everything about him.
–Uncool Jedi. The Jedi spent a lot of time being dull and proselytizing, until they finally did something and then died fairly easily. Windu went out a window. Oh Sam.
–Not enough red blades. You know, I wanted massively awesome fights between multiple Jedi and Sith that were complete masters over the force with an insane flurry or red green and blue lightsabers, and I got “only two, master and apprentice,” which took the oomph out of things. Childhood wish unfulfilled.
–Artoo and Threepio taking the Laurel and Hardy bit a little too far. Comedy relief is one thing. The droid factory stuff was quite another.
–Pod race. I fast forward through you. I’m sorry, but I do.
In the end, I take the good, the bad, and the ugly, stir it around, and find my own prequels, tossing out what I hate, and throwing in elements that please me. I’m not beholden to them, and I don’t feel that disappointment I used to feel. Indifference is as good a place as any to end up. And while I’m looking forward to the sequels with a muted recognition of the pitfalls of getting my hopes up, I know if those movies fail me, they’ll become the same thing the prequels have become: fuel and cool designs that will do and be what I say.
Star Wars belongs to us.
