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We Demando Lando

urlSmuggler, scoundrel, con man, entrepeneur, ladies man … sorry Han, but there’s nobody in the galaxy smoother than Lando Calrissian. Even his name is smooth: Lando Calrissian. That name is like well-used soap in the shower.

Lando (who is a man, not a system) burst into a well-established movie franchise well into the second film and proceeded to carry out one of the quickest, yet most convincing character arcs throughout Star Wars history. Initially putting the welfare of his business above any past alliances, Lando quickly, convincingly, and effectively decided that he wasn’t going to be the Empire’s bitch, giving up everything for the sake of freedom. Even Han held out longer than that.

Lando impregnated Leia right then and there. Look at Han. He knows it. He friggin’ knows it.

And yet there is still no hint of a Lando figure in the 6-inch scale Black Series. No Bespin style Lando, no Skiff Guard Lando, and no General Calrissian. Nothing.

Oh sure, you got a figure. Because everyone looooooves you. You bastard.

Am I outraged? Well, maybe outrage is a strong word, but I am something, I’ll tell you that.

The release pattern for the Black series has been … odd, to put it lightly. We’ve only managed two Leias, neither of which have been a standard outfit (and both of which centered around Jabba’s Palace), a handful of Lukes, a pair of Hans, an Artoo with a Threepio upcoming muuuuch later, and a nice random assortment of others. But no Lando.

Did this man not save the galaxy?

Well, yeah. He kind of did.

If he hadn’t had his sudden change of heart and ordered his security force to start taking down the Imperial Forces, maybe things wouldn’t have gone so swimmingly for our heroes.

I mean, sure, the deal was getting worse all the time and all that, but it wasn’t all about business. Just partly. Mostly.

Hey Leia, I’m wearing Han’s vest. And I’m wearing it better than he ever did.

And then he did some little thing at the end of Return of the Jedi that had some importance, but who’s counting?

Lando’s importance isn’t just wrapped up in how smooth he was; there was another arena where Lando was crucial. For three years between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, Han was a popsicle, so the Marvel Comics Star Wars series needed a rogueish anti-hero to step up to the plate. Lando was willing and able to carry on in Han’s absence, and his team-ups with Chewie during this time in the comics were some of the most entertaining of the entire (extremely popular, at the time) run.

“And over there is where I keep my floating castle full of bitches.”

Lando was an electrifying presence from the moment he strutted on screen and propelled the arguably best entry in the original trilogy along an edge-of-the-seat thrill ride of shifting loyalties and shady partnerships … and the man is still waiting for an announcement of a 6-inch figure.

You have never been eye-humped … unless you’ve been Lando eye-humped.

With the way things are going, I fully expect Lando to get a Skiff Guard disguise version before he gets his swanky Bespin clothes. I bet that thing smelled inside. He had to have killed an actual guard to get it, and did anybody around there look like they showered that often? Lando spent most of his time on Tatooine breathing through his mouth.

Regardless of which version is made, it would be nice just to have some version, you know? Lando’s feeling quite left out of this party, and I’ve got play patterns that just aren’t working unless I’ve got a Lando.

I was made to wear a cape. Look at me. Look at this cape. Not even Darth Vader wears a cape like I wear a cape. I should teach a damn class in cape wearing. Cape!

And, you know … Lobot.