I recently took a look at the oddball members of Cobra released in 1987, but that barely scratched the surface of the weirdness that took place that year. For the record, I love all of those characters, and was genuinely excited to track down each and every figure. But even my man-crush on Big Boa was minimal compared to the antsy craving I had for what was not only the weirdest Joeverse release of 1987, but the strangest G.I. Joe figures ever. That is no hyperbole. Even the most peculiar Eco-warrior or Sonic Fighter couldn’t compare to Cobra La.
Cobra La continues to divide the fandom to this day. My own feelings are mixed. On the one hand, the entire concept from top to bottom absolutely doesn’t belong in anything even resembling my vision of the G.I. Joe universe. Larry hama, Master and Commander of the G.I. Joe comic, agrees with me, as he refused to include them in his run. But on the other hand…I love these guys. I can’t help it. They don’t fit, any attempt to smush them into the semi-realistic world of G.I. Joe doesn’t work, and their existence warps the reality of the realistic unrealism of the Joe world—but they’re so frickin’ cool none of that matters. I had to have them upon first sight when I was a kid, and one day my dad came home from work with a shiny plastic bag with that original three-pack nestled inside.
Hell, even Mr. Hama himself wrote something for the Nemesis Immortal/Falcon two pack from a handful of years ago, so we’re all big softies at our chewy centers.
Also, even though I’m a full fledged comic>cartoon guy, I will belligerently defend to the death the fact that the animated G.I. Joe movie is compressed cinematic awesomeness from top to bottom and any other opinion is wrong. G.I. Joe has never looked better on screen, and since I can’t even make it through the trailers for the recent live-action attempts, it will remain the best movie version of the Joes ever, even if it includes Cobra Commander devolving into a snake. The first fifteen minutes or so is the best that G.I. Joe had ever looked, and even if there’s a lot wrong with the new characters introduced there’s still a giddy joy in watching all of the lovely animation and non-stop action.
But back to Cobra La.
Despite my fondness for the concept, I can understand why Cobra La as a whole has never been given much attention or love since their initial debut. While Nemesis Enforcer (as Nemesis Immortal) got that previously mentioned two-pack figure, Golobulus and the Royal Guard have not had a new figure since their initial offering. And Pythona, the fourth member introduced in the cartoon, has never had any figure at all. Like, ever ever. She was planned, but sales apparently didn’t warrant any further Cobra La figures. I don’t remember sets and sets of them warming shelves anywhere, but who knows.
While they never really fit into my Joeverse, I hypocritically didn’t let that stop me from carrying out endless battles with them. The best thing was that they could fight both the Joes and Cobra. The worst thing was the fact that I was stuck at a single Royal Guard due to the limitations of their three-pack release. I would have killed for at least three of them. Nemesis Enforcer is my favorite character of the three, all mute and huge and badass, but the Royal Guard was my favorite figure, mainly due to the somewhat limited wings that Nemesis Enforcer had.
I was spoiled by those wide expansive wings he had in the cartoon, I guess. The design of the Guard’s toy was even better and more detailed than the animated version (the addition of a cap would have been awesome though) and the fact that (per the bio) he was essentially wearing living armor made him that much more awesome. Can you imagine strapping on a crustacean or two before heading out for your day job?
“Say, Bob, is that a new tie?”
“Why no Lou, it’s just some old crab I had laying around.”
“Guess we know what’s for lunch today then.”
Golobulous was a well-intentioned figure at the time and he played well, but when you think of the crazy updated articulation that could be put into a fully-jointed snake tail for a figure now, it makes your head spin a little. Or at least it makes my head spin, but then I am fully articulated.
Masters of the Universe Classics has shown how good/poseable wings can look now, and imagining Draego-man styled wings on a brand new six-inch Nemesis Enforcer makes the absence of such a thing mind-boggling. If Royal Guards of Cobra La could be army built if they were released independently, and they’d look great even for people who weren’t Joe fans but were fans of cool toys. And maybe, finally, we can get a Pythona, with some of those weird things she tossed at the members of Cobra.
1987’s regular releases were weird just by normal standards, but Cobra La ratcheted up the weird to a whole new level of nuts, and created a love it or hate it myth that persists to this day. It’s time to bring them back, and embiggen them just a little bit.
