Last week, absolutely nothing else happened in the world except for the first teaser trailer to the brand new Star Wars movie debuting in December of 2015. While, technically, this was essentially a trailer for the inevitable trailer, there was still more than enough cinematic chew-toy available for the entire Internet to meme, mock, disparage, cringe, hope, squeal, or browfurrow about.
But, as with all things, thoughts turn inevitably to toys. We will get toys. We will get toys out the caboose. That’s not even in question. But what toys? Who? When? What scale? Well, since I don’t care about anything other than 6-inch scale for Star Wars, we’re going to take a look at the inevitable Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens Black Series and line up the top five toys we think we could see from this teaser trailer. In no specific order:
SOCCER BALL DROID
Very little is known about this enigmatic droid, but he’s definitely on a roll. He also gets around. First he’s there, then he’s sphere. I’ll stop. Droids are a staple, and if this little guy is in the trailer, then obviously he’s going to be important in some capacity. Maybe he’s Artoo’s kid. Sure. That makes sense. That makes no sense, don’t be stupid. Maybe that’s actually Artoo Detoo himself, upgraded. A lot can happen in 30 years. Yeah, I don’t think so either, but regardless, we’re going to be seeing a lot of this guy as he motors around, and we’ll be getting a toy of him. In every scale. I can almost guarantee that there will be vacuums in the shape of this droid that will roll around your house sweeping up your crumbs and your fingernail clippings. How awesome would that be? I don’t know who you are, little Soccer Ball Droid, but it won’t be long until we find out.
BLACK GUY IN STORMTROOPER OUTFIT POPPING UP INTO THE SCREEN AND STARTLING US!
This is John Boyega, known primarily for Attack the Block. And we will be getting a figure of him. The only question here is… well, who the hell is he? Good guy secretly infiltrating the Stormtrooper ranks, like Luke and Han did in the first movie? Or is he really a Stormtrooper left behind on (possibly) Tatooine that will soon be picked up by HOT CHICK ON A SPEED-THING? Will he reform? Can he be reformed? What’s his name? Is he force-sensitive? Is he hunting for something? Someone? Is he after the SOCCER BALL DROID? Is he after the owner of the Soccer Ball Droid? Are these the droids we’re looking for? Gah, there are too many questions and not enough answers. Damn you, extremely short teaser trailer!!!
If he’s in a Stormtrooper outfit, then his being in a Stormtrooper outfit is fairly important. I figured that out using logic. So I will assume that we will be getting a figure of him in a Stormtrooper outfit, even if being in a Stormtrooper outfit is not his normal state of being, which is also kind of like Luke and Han. They were in one, but they weren’t existentially IN one, if you catch my drift. Neverthemeanwhile, this is definitely a figure we will be getting, so brace yourselves.
HOT CHICK ON A SPEED-THING
This is Daisy Ridley, whose casting was met with a resounding “Who?” followed by “She’s cute!” Or at least it was on my end. Again, like everything else, we have no idea where she’s going or why she’s going there or if she’s related to anybody from the first movies. Again, is this Tatooine? I guess everyone ends up on Tatooine eventually. It’s like Scranton, Pennsylvania, that way. Oh yeah, I’ve been there. I ain’t going back. You can’t make me.
It’s clear from the trailer that she’s looking behind her and trying to get away from something. Is she the one the Stormtroopers are after? If she’s supposed to be about 21 years old, she was born nine years after the second Death Star blew up. Who are you HOT CHICK ON A SPEED-THING?
I want you………r toy.
BRAND NEW STORMTROOPERS
This one is, like, totally no duh. We will be getting brand new Stormtroopers to army build. But who leads them? What is the state of the Empire in these brand new times? Wouldn’t it be something if the Stormtroopers were the good guys, which means BLACK GUY IN STORMTROOPER OUTFIT POPPING UP INTO THE SCREEN AND STARTLING US! was actually a good guy all along. I don’t know.
Well then, finally, and most controversial, we have:
OMINOUS GUY STUMBLING IN THE SNOW WITH FUNKY NEW LIGHTSABER
Guh. Sweet Frances the Talking Mule, the opinions about this new lightsaber… I shake my head. You know what my very first thought was when those two extra mini-sabers popped out of the sides, crossguard-like, with that half-second of dramatic pause?
I didn’t really have any thoughts; I had a garbled twitch of delight popping like fireworks in my brain. You know, kind of like that feeling we all got when we first saw the movies.
My second thought was that he better be damn careful using that thing or he’s going to injure himself. But he’s a Sith. Or maybe Jedi turned Sith. Or something else. Something we don’t know anything about. He’s probably well-trained.
I don’t care about anything other than my first thought. That ish was cool. I’m not going to get all Internet with this stuff. I want this to be good, and that lightsaber was frickin’ cool to me.
But the person holding it… we don’t know if this is some new Sith, or maybe even Luke. I know, right? Could be a dream, a scene from the past, a final showdown… all I know is that it’s a red lightsaber and it’s about to do something. Something cool. And it looks cool, and maybe I won’t get that slightly let down feeling the prequels kept giving me. Whoever this person is holding this new-style lightsaber (it has precedence in the Expanded Universe, so it’s not entirely new) he could be a scene stealer. Frankly, in the less than the five seconds we’ve seen of him I really dig his quick-draw and his igniting of the saber. The physicality and attitude was pretty good.
There might be hope for this movie yet.
And toys.
Lots and lots of toys.
