You know when you’re aboard the Idea Train when you’re at the last station, and there’s not many passengers left, maybe just that dude that smells really weird and is probably whizzin’ in the corner… that’s where we are, friends and neighbors. We’re at the end of the line. With no new toys and nothing else springing up, I’m in desperation mode when it comes to brand new article ideas. So let’s see where the desperation takes us.
The idea for this came about when the song “Atrocity Exhibition” by Joy Division popped onto my iPod,
and it reminded me of the 3A set of the same name that came out a while ago. It’s kind of a perfect synchronicity of song title and toy set, and it made me wonder if there were other equally perfect examples of such synergy.
So I set myself a challenge with this article to see if I could find five CDs in my collection with five song titles that would make a perfect wave of action figures in a theoretical random wave produced by no specific toy company except for the fact that the figures be super-articulated. They had to be song titles that evoked a single concept that could be built into an action figure. Imagine, if you will, if a toy sculptor was given just the song title and told to go nuts with the concept, building something awesome out of the most basic of ideas. That’s sometimes where true toy perfection is found.
Regardless of the number of tracks on the CD, there had to be five that would make good toys. I allowed myself a little wiggle room with the titles; there could be slight rewording if the general concept was still there. You’ll see what I mean as my desperation gets even more desperationish.
Seems simple, until you actually have to sift through all the track listings on all those CDs until you find something usable, and then you start wondering why you just didn’t write an article on how the world needs ALF or Mr. Belvedere action figures.
CDs, by the way, were small shiny frisbees that held songs. They’re smaller versions of those large black things called albums (thus explaining the anachronistic title of the article) that your parents or your parents’ parents used to listen to music on. CDs were played by tiny lasers, not by tiny needles. I’m sure you’re probably downloading a song right now with your fancypants futureface USB-connected quantum potato chip or something. Back in my day, our music was held on deadly weapons that could be hurled with sufficient velocity to decapitate people. AND THAT’S HOW WE LIKED IT! You can’t kill a man with a download. You just can’t. Sure, you can hurt him a little if it’s a Justin Bieber song, but he ain’t gonna die.
So grab on to someone you love because we’re going to see if I can make it through to the end. In no order:
Parliament: Funkentelechy Vs. The Placebo Syndrome
Right away, it has a toyetic title. And the track listing is a very short six songs (the shorter CDs yielded the best results).
- Bop Gun
- Sir Nose D’Voidoffunk
- Wizard of Finance
- Funkentelechy
- The Placebo Syndrome
- Flash Light
Not bad, and if I scratch off The Placebo Syndrome — which could still be toyetic, but less so than the others — that gives me five pretty usable figures. Sir Nose D’Voidoffunk is the one most… on the nose… but I can absolutely imagine a great toy made out of Bop Gun, or even the “Wizard of Finance. Flash Light could be the most glitter-soaked funk rock icon this side of Hypno Hustler, and Funkentelechy could be transformed into any number of way-out designs, all dripping with that special ingredient that each of them absolutely must have: The Funk.
Personally, I can dig it. Can you?
Misfits: Walk Among Us
This one is almost too easy, due to the horror movie-, science fiction-, and comic-drenched nature of the band. Their entire track listing is like a toy catalog.
- 20 Eyes
- I Turned Into a martian
- All Hell Breaks Loose
- Hatebreeders
- Mommy Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight
- Night of the Living Dead
- Skulls
- Violent World
- Devil’s Whorehouse
- Astro Zombies
- Braineaters
- Vampira
- Nike A Go Go
There’s a ton of usable stuff in there, but for the purposes of this article let’s take five of them. I think a toy called 20 Eyes would look great, especially if the sculptor went nuts with all kinds of different eyes sprinkled here and there. Likewise, A toy called Hatebreeder would work… imagine a toy of a demon fetus carving its way from a pregnant woman… or even a pregnant guy, who seems confused as to why he’s pregnant. Maybe the demon is controlling the dude through the umbilical, like a puppet from hell. Work with me here. Skulls could literally be a thing created from skulls, animated and walking upright, legs and arms built from skulls and jawbones. Devil’s Whore (from the “Devil’s Whorehouse”) may be the one who impregnated the Hatebreeder. And Astro Zombie would be a cool-ass concept. A zombie in a spacesuit. Each of them could come with a Braineater as a pack-in.
And that, my friends, is two down.
Thematically connected to The Misfits is Rob Zombie, yet another guaranteed choice of toyetic ideas. When White Zombie was no more, Rob struck out on his own and guaranteed himself a place on this list.
Rob Zombie: The Hellbilly Deluxe
- Call of the Zombie
- Superbeast
- Dragula
- Living Dead Girl
- Perversion
- Demonoid Phenomenon
- Spookshow Baby
- How to Make a Monster
- Meet the Creeper
- The Ballad of Resurrection Joe and Rosa Whore
- What Lurks on Channel X
- Return of the Phantom Stranger
- The Beginning of the Endangered
You only have to look at the first half to find five here. A wave that consists of toys called Superbeast, Dragula, Living Dead Girl, Demonoid Phenomenon, and Spookshow Baby is probably better than I could have hoped for with this choice. I mean, what does a character called “Demonoid Phenomenon” look like? Who the hell knows, but I want to find out.
We are two away from the end. Only two away! Next up:
David Bowie: Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars
I want a Spider from Mars track listing:
- Five Years
- Soul Love
- Moonage Daydream
- Starman
- It Ain’t Easy
- Lady Stardust
- Star
- Hang on to Yourself
- Ziggy Stardust
- Suffragette City
- Rock and Roll Suicide
Lot of star references, but that’s good; themes are good. So we’ve got Starman, Lady Stardust, and Star. Hell, they could be a family. Ziggy Stardust is obvious, and would go with the other star-crossed dudes. And for the fifth and final character, I like Moonage Daydream. It’s got a nice ring to it, and if there’s a spacey, ethereal theme to this wave, then someone named “Moonage Daydream” seems like it would fit right in. Sound good? Works for me.
And, finally, a CD that accommodates this idea perfectly:
King Crimson: In the Court of the Crimson King
This is another shorty, coming in at five tracks. Five tracks, five toys — that sounds like an article closer if I’ve ever heard one. Yeesh, good thing too. I’ve stretched this as thin as thin can get. Anyway, tracks:
- 21st Century Schizoid Man
- I Talk to the Wind
- Epitaph
- Moonchild
- The Court of the Crimson King
If you change “I talk to the Wind” to Windtalker — and I’m doing so because that works as a toy name — and just go with the Crimson King for the last one, then you’ve got five concepts that can be fleshed-out nicely by a skilled and imaginative sculptor. 21st century Schizoid Man and the Crimson King would be the main draws, but Windtalker, Epitaph, and Moonchild could flesh-out the concept very nicely. What would a toy named “Epitaph” look like? He’s the last word in everything. Maybe the executioner of the King’s Court. I don’t know. I just write the articles. I made it to five. I’m happy. And if they were cool, I’d buy them all.
