Recently, rumors surfaced yet again of a possible 6-inch G.I. Joe line, as covered by fellow staffer DisThunder here. It’s at the point now where we won’t know anything for sure until we see that magical display at some convention on one coast or the other. All we can do is speculate. And dream. So I’m going to speculate the crap out of it until I see prototypes.
Conversations invariably turn to army-building with properties like these. We’re currently living in a luxurious time of army-building that’s making some of us go broke. Marvel has the Hydra and AIM soldiers, Star Wars has Stormtroopers and Sandtroopers and Speeder Bikes — it’s nuts out there. By nature, G.I. Joe lends itself to army building various Cobra factions. While the Joes were primarily full of individually dressed personalities, the Cobra forces were anchored by scores of battle-ready, army-building cannon fodder.
Expectations sometimes have to be tempered a bit. While I’d be perfectly happy with a 6-inch representation of every single Joe and Cobra figure ever made, the likelihood of that happening is low. This means that Alley Vipers or Iron Grenadiers may have to take a backseat to more prominent builders.
So who makes the cut if there were only five slots?
Cobra Troopers
These were the first soldiers that made up Cobra Commander’s army. They weren’t as flashy as later figures; they had the same simple elegance of the “original 13” Joes that they went up against. There was a menacing, angry intensity behind their Nazi-like uniforms. The horror of a human antagonist had not yet been lost; you can see the hatred and the lack of empathy in their eyes, which makes them even more human. They were tossed aside for the next troopers on the list, but these are essential Cobra to me.
Vipers
Their blank steel masks resembled Cobra Commander himself. Their uniforms had a harder look to them, and, when swarming en masse, they looked like an unstoppable futuristic platoon of science-fiction warriors. G.I. Joe and Cobra alike were moving just the slightest bit past their more grounded militaristic beginnings into a slightly elevated reality, and the Vipers heralded the change. The Viper became the standard bearer for the Cobra forces, expanding into all types of “_____” Viper designations, but these were the first, and they cemented the concept.
Crimson Guard
A regal battalion that seemed to be the natural evolution in Cobra’s armies and in Cobra Commander’s view of himself. Cobra Commander thought of himself as the leader of the world — even if the world had not yet realized it yet — so these were his royal guards. These are gorgeous uniforms with some of the best designs yet, especially in their helmets. Cobra was moving beyond the humanity that you could glimpse in the exposed eyes of their first troopers and would take one further step. You can think of the Crimson Guards as the final step before Cobra went beyond humanity in its bid for world domination.
BATS
This was where it was all heading. Putting aside the weakness inherent in flesh, Cobra Commander’s inhuman-seeming army needed something truly inhuman to take the place of fragile blood and bone, and Battle Android Troopers were the result. Factory-produced, machine-stamped, tireless, needless, endless — the BATS were the ultimate soldier that Cobra Commander needed in his world domination. While neither cartoon nor comic utilized their swappable-arm gimmick (so awesomely reminiscent of Trap Jaw and Roboto to me) this is probably the most anticipated figure of them all for me just because of that. Robots are frickin’ cool, and the BATS are no exception.
And finally, there’s one slot remaining. Who else deserves a spot? There are tons of other Vipers: Techno and Tele, Hydro and Frag, SAW and Range, Astro and Motor… who gets the fifth spot?
For me, the choice is clear:
Night Creepers
Night Creepers were the coolest thing when they came out. High-tech ninjas, equally at home with contemporary military weapons and swords, to be bought for the highest price. Storm Shadow without honor, Red Ninjas without clan allegiance. There was something very “’90s badass” about their design, as if they were totally unafraid to be wearing that much purple. While there are several choices that could have made it to this final spot, there’s something imminently toyetic about the Night Creepers that guarantees a purchase of five at minimum, so Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes can be kung-fu fighting all night long.
Well, that’s my five. Agree or disagree, let me know who you’d choose for Cobra army builders in the comment section!