It was nearly impossible to drag me out of bed on school mornings. I think dynamite and heavy machinery might have had a better chance at getting me out of bed to face the day and all those damnable classes. To this day, I think back on those times with a churning, gut-puckering bile and am glad I’m long past that most miserable era of childhood.
However, Saturday morning was a different story. Somehow, without alarm clock nor parental prodding, I was able to get up and out of bed a full five to ten minutes before 7:00 am — just enough time to grab either a pack of Pop-Tarts or a bowl of Raisin Bran — and be ready and waiting in front of the television for Saturday morning cartoons to start.
The government pretty much killed Saturday mornings with their “educational and informational” edict. Well, I think Saved by the Bell helped. Stupid real people. Stupid Kelly Kapowski.
But that was much later. I’m talking early ’80s, a time when cartoons still reigned on Saturday mornings. A magic time. A time when the most non-morning-person could be in front of a television before 7:00. Why was I up so early, you ask? I’m glad you asked because this article would be very short if you hadn’t.
Because that was when Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends was on. That was when I was able to watch 24-minutes worth of a non-stop barrage of cartoon versions of some of my favorite comic characters. Sandman, Dr. Doom, X-Men, Juggernaut, Green Goblin… they all had their chance to shine.
While I’ve always been a “comics first” guy over cartoons or movies, I will admit having a strong connection to the Spider-Friends cartoon. That’s not to say it’s perfect in my eyes, far from it. Just like with all the cartoons of my favorite properties, I always wanted a little more. But in hindsight, what I wanted from Transformers, GI Joe, Masters of the Universe, or Spider-Friends was something that the networks just weren’t going to give a kid in his single digits. But that’s OK, just because something was imperfect doesn’t mean I have to toss it into the garbage heap. There was a lot to love.
Amazingly, spectacularly even, this show hasn’t been released on DVD or Blu-Ray yet. Typical. But I’ve got a great idea for cross marketing when they finally decide to do so: toy line!
Sure, it’s an insane wish that will more than likely never happen, but a Spider-Man Legends toy line based around this property would be a gold mine of cool. And others are getting their cartoon wishes granted left and right, with Superfriends angering up everyone in DCUC, and that new Batman Animated toy line from DCC. Why shouldn’t all three of the Spider-Friends get a line?
I know, I know.
Still.
There was that Marvel Universe set a while ago. A cool idea with an iffy execution on the less than stellar early MU bodies. But they’d look much better on full Legends bodies.
The core trio would be obvious. Put Spider-Man on that brand new Superior Spider-Man body and you’d have a perfect comic-accurate Spider-Man in his red and blues. Firestar is a never-made character and would look great on one of these new female bodies they’re making. And Iceman… poor Bobby… he’s still waiting for that perfect figure. The latest one in the First Appearance X-Men set still didn’t hit the mark. If there was some way they could sculpt a brand new blocky, iced-up body for him, it could be reused for several different versions. Down the road. Add some iced-up overlays, give him an X-Factor-esque look… ugh, yeah, won’t happen. The best we could probably hope for would be that Klaw body repackaged. But who knows. Tides change and stuff.
If Firestar doesn’t come with Ms. Lion, then I don’t understand anything.
With the core out of the way, we can move on to the frequent guest stars, either villainous or heroic. My top choice, and a great way to finally get him, would be Sunfire in his classic, and best, costume.
While we got an “Age of Apocalypse” version, and that’s just swell, with Sunfire now an Avenger wearing this costume and in a look that’s long overdue, this would be a great venue for him.
Speaking of had-a-figure-and-needing-a-new-one… this would also be a great place to slot in a classic Beetle (again in his superior costume). He’s a deadly foe of Spider-Man, after all, and any port in a storm. It’s raining villains!
All my next one needs is a purple cape, but remove it and you can have a cartoon accurate Swarm.
I had no idea when this episode aired that Swarm was an actual comic villain. I thought he had been created just for the show. I’m not really a fan of bees, at least not bees in large numbers, so this dude made entirely of bees creeped me right the hell out. I… had an incident when I was younger with a bee’s nest. So yeah, the creepy guy made of bees was a hard one to watch once, let alone try to watch it when it repeated. Gah.
Who wears short shorts? OK, Juggernaut in his unitard may be pushing it. But isn’t he adorable in his gym clothes? I’d still buy it without hesitation. The Juggernaut episode was my introduction to the character and so began a lifelong love of his unstoppable badassness who, oddly enough, sounded exactly like the Hulk when he growled.
There’s plenty of villains to pull from and just as many good guys. Need a new Kraven?
Of course we do. How about Chameleon?
And speaking of new versions…how about a new Namor. Good lord, we need a new classic Namor that doesn’t look malnourished and in need of spinach. New classic Cap? New Dr. Strange? They’re all there! Cross-market that sumbitch.
In addition to comic-crossover characters, there were a few that were created for the cartoon that I would need. Now, swarm creeped me out, but I think even he didn’t creep me out as much as… the Arachnoid.
Good grief, I hate spiders more than I hate bees, and this dude was half spider. And he was always accompanied by that weirdass sound effect. All crawly and crap. This dude was just wrong. And because of that, he would make a kick-butt figure.
Then there was Cyberiad, a cool-looking half machine that was once involved with Firestar. Cyberiad always struck me as an odd-but-cool name, like it was a last minute creation right before the script had to be turned in. “Hmm… cybernetic… cyber… tron… cyber… dyber… cyberia… duh… Cyberiad!”
But both Arachnoid and Cyberiad pale before the one character that makes everything else worthwhile: Mr. Videoman himself.
Yes, Videoman is what you get when you cross a regular human with early ’80s video game graphics. There is something so acid trip about this guy that it blows my mind in all the best ways. It’s probably hard to come up with a way to properly deliver a completely flat action figure, but he has to be better than a paper cut-out. I believe there’s a way. It requires special hinges and proper engineering, but there’s a Videoman waiting to be born that will curl your tail feathers.
Spider-Friends, folks. It’s not a comic, it’s not a movie, but there’s awesomeness locked inside those 24 episodes waiting to get free.