Its been a while since I boned some toys, but since SDCC there have been a couple of boners that have rattled around in my head, and I need to get them off my chest. Now, I am a fan of alliteration, but the fact that these Boners begin with the letter B is only a coincidence. I can’t help it if the toy companies bone by theme.
I will skip the preambles and get right to the first Boner of the day:
The Batzarro Boner.
Now, I love quirky characters. Love the quirk. Got to have the quirk. Planet X Batman was one of my favorite retail DC figures in the past year, but the operative word is RETAIL. With 12 slots, there can be absolutely no wasted spot. There’s no room for the one-off quirky character when our chances for “classic fan-demanded” figures are at such an extraordinary premium.
So when the powers that be trot out Batzarro, I stare at my screen with my brows bunched.
When I say that, I say that with heavy heart, because I wouldn’t balk at Ambush Bug being part of the sub. Because seriously, Ambush Bug as part of the sub, please. But Batzarro? I don’t get it. He’s not a fan demanded Bat-villain, he’s not a team finisher, he’s not even a character that fills a niche or begins an important team or someone with a long and varied past. Even as a simple low-tooling figure he could have been Composite Superman or Owlman, if you want to hump the Bat connection.
I defend the choices on a regular basis, and the quirky characters are the ones I love the most, but the sub is not the place for waste, when they’re apparently on the edge of death every year. There is no way anybody really thought this was a good idea for the sub. For retail, bring it on. I know, retail is dead, but still, I am adamant: in the sub, it is a Boner.
The Boomerang Boner
You know what? I don’t really have a problem with the looks of this figure from a bare aesthetic viewpoint. But when you’ve got the chance to add a colorful Spidey-villain to the cast, and instead of going with the classic version that fits in well with a rudimentary Sinister Syndicate, this one is trotted out. That’s all kinds of sad. I mean, I guess his dark, muted modern-ass is all trendy and cool, but he lacks personality. He lacks pizzazz. I like pizzazz. I like guys named Boomerang wearing big boomerangs on their chest, in case people forget who he is. It’s like a business card, except wearable. This one is a smaller Boner, but a Boner nonetheless.
The Baron Zemo Boner
Pretty much the same deal as Boomerang, but more so. Baron Zemo has been one of those villains that have been absolutely necessary to have a good villain collection. He’s a legacy villain who has led the Masters of Evil and has been at the forefront of many important landmarks in Marvel history. In all that time, my man Helmut has been a fan of the fur. Fur on the shoulders, fur on the legs, fur here, fur there. He is not afraid to be pink and furry. His father wore fur, his father’s father probably wore fur, and Helmut himself wears fur. It’s just a thing he does.
So show me the fur? Where is the fur? That’s right. No fur. Zemo’s updated costume is cool and fine and fits in well with the necessary reuse of the Bucky Cap body, but it’s not that iconic Zemo that this line needed. Is that not sad? Do we not shake our heads? I do. I shake my head at the Boner of going with what is perceived as “cool,” which I guess is furless, instead of the classic befurred. Yes, I like classic. I think there’s a level of respect due to the man and his furry longjohns, and the more modern look just doesn’t respect the man who wore the fur. It is, to me, a Big Boner.
The Beetle Boner.
Oh, you know what, the other Boners pale before this one. I can forgive each and every one of them, but this… this is a Boner of a different color altogether. See, it’s one thing to pick an updated costume. I can be down with that. I will always have my preferences, but in the end, a toy is a toy, and I can learn to deal with it.
But this?
Beetle is green and purple. This figure is not.
Beetle’s “616“ appearance is a much-needed vacancy in the Spidey-villain world. This… thing… is Ultimate. ULTIMATE? ULTIBONERIFFICMATE? That doesn’t fill any void. Well, except for Ultimate fans, but I flap my hands at those guys. He’s not green and purple, he’s not standard regular-universe, he’s not anything but a red and silver generic armor guy. I mean, if you want a generic red and Silver generic armor guy, then he looks pretty neat for a generic red and silver armor guy. But Beetle? He’ s no more Beetle than any Ultron that’s been put out in 6-inch scale. He’s an imposter. He’s a fraud. If you know a guy named Frank and a different guy named Charles walks up to you and says, “I’m Frank,” do you say, “Well hello, Frank?” No. You do not. You call him Charles and then you hit him repeatedly in the head with a melon-baller and you tell him he is a liar and a fraud and then you eat melon balls.
This… is Charles. This is not Beetle.
What’s that? He was in a cartoon? Oh, well spank my bottom and call me a classroom disruption then. Where’s my Videoman? He was in a cartoon. Is he not coming? Well then.
This is a red-and-silver armored Boner. It may call itself Beetle on the package, but it is an Ultimate Boner, and it will always be an Ultimate Boner, until Hasbro wises up and delivers the green and purple. Because that’s how Spidey-villains roll. Green. And. Purple. And you will not find a Boner in green and purple, unless there is some serious problem downstairs, in which case you need to get that checked out.