The Joes have never been terribly strict about adhering to a certain dress. With members pulled from every branch of service, it’s bound to get a bit mixed-up in the ranks. But the vast majority of Joes manage to hew closely to some kind of militaristic getup, even if they put their own unique spin on them. But some Joes just seem to want to do their own thing.
When the Joe line first started out with the Original 13, the military theme was a lot stronger than it would become later. With at least 12 of the 13 all wearing a slightly different version of the same basic uniform, they still looked like a team. Even Snake-Eyes wore an all-black version of the same thing, but he’s Snake-Eyes, which means he does what he wants, because he’s Snake-Eyes. In fact, ninjas as a whole can’t really be counted on to dress according to regulation because if you bring a ninja to a gunfight, you don’t get to pick out their wardrobe for them. That’s in the manual. So if you’re expecting Storm Shadow or Jinx or Snakes to be on this list, you won’t find them because they’re ninjas, and they can only be found if they want to be found, but you’ll be dead anyway, so good luck looking for them.
Anyway, besides ninjas, let’s take a look at five Joes who weren’t all that concerned with government issue. These are in order for once, so yeah:
Gung Ho
Gung-Ho does not care what you think about him. Gung-Ho is a Marine, and more than that, Gung-Ho is a Cajun Marine. Gung-Ho is also a gigantic man who is thick with muscle and bald of pate, so Gung-Ho will wear a lot of periwinkle, and you will like it. And Gung-Ho will not wear a shirt, because shirts are for sissies who are not comfortable wearing a periwinkle vest. Unlike those guys in the deep jungle hunting down a Predator who eventually strips down to vests and guns because they’re hot and tired and looking to kill things, Gung-Ho begins the mission with just a vest and a big grenade launcher, even if the mission is in the arctic. Because, ladies and gentlemen, Gung-Ho is crazy and nobody tells him to put a damn shirt on. When someone asks “you and what army?” The answer is Gung-Ho. He is also the answer to why the chicken crossed the road. Because Gung-Ho, that’s why.
Bazooka
Don’t let the cartoon fool you. Sure, he was portrayed as a slow-talking chowderhead when animated, but Bazooka’s bio referred to him as decisive fast-thinker, which means he decided that a football jersey was going to be the thing he wore day-in and day-out as a Joe in a matter of seconds, and he didn’t waver from that decision. He wants you to ponder what the number 14 is and why that’s relevant to your life as you’re watching a missile hurtling towards you. Oh yeah, there is some deep things going on with Bazooka. Military in the pants, military in the helmet, but military shirt? Screw that, a man wants to be comfortable; he’s putting on a damn Jersey. Does it even belong to a team? Is there a team with those colors? What did the Fridge say when he first saw Bazooka? Did he have an urge to fall on him? These are questions that keep me up at night.
Chuckles
I could let Chuckles off the hook here as he’s supposed to be undercover all the time or something, but I’m not going to because he looks like he’s perpetually sipping Mai Tais at the edge of a pool somewhere in Hawaii. Chuckles has a gun holster and a big knife on his leg, but he’s wearing Don Johnson’s cast-off shirts. I loved Chuckles when I got him mainly because he had a working holster. Back then Joes only had molded holsters with molded guns that were all part of their leg, so to get an actual working holster that you could slip a gun into was cool as hell. Chuckles is also cool as hell. He can’t even be bothered to not be undercover when he’s not supposed to be undercover. This shirt has a big flower on it, soldier. Yeah, it does. Yeah it ****in’ does. Chuckles is more awesome than the other Joes could hope to be. Check out his flowery shirt. He is comfortable.
Scarlett
Remember when I said 12 of the 13 original Joes were wearing something fairly close to regulation? Well, Scarlett is the outlier. She can’t even be bothered to wear a feminine version of military attire like Lady Jaye would eventually start wearing. Nope. Scarlett is a hot redhead, and, as anybody knows,,hot redheads can apparently do whatever the buffalo they want to do, so Scarlett is going to wear the most dangerous yoga clothes ever. No soccer mom is going to their Bikram class with throwing stars attached to their wrist unless they’ve been the subject of rude advances from that creepy dude with the stare three mats down. Scarlett takes no crap from anyone. Of all the Joes, she fell in love with the only one that can’t talk back. That’s no coincidence. Fatigues? They make Scarlett fatigued. She’s a trendsetter. Get out of her way.
Quick Kick
Ninjas don’t count because they’re ninjas. But Quick Kick? Dude may know Karate, but he’s no ninja, so he definitely counts. Now, I love Quick Kick. I love all that martial arts stuff, and he comes in right under ninjas as “things that were awesome to add to the Joe Mythos.” And I also love that Quick Kick’s idea of what to wear into battle is pants, a sash, and a headband. I mean, seriously, this man goes against the forces of the most ruthless terrorist organization in the world with pants, a sash, and a headband. No shirt, no shoes, no way. I don’t know whether to admire him because he’s insane or admire him because he is so completely unworried about bullets or the elements or anything that he put on his pants, draped the sash over his shoulder, slipped on his headband, and then stopped right there. Shirt? **** shirts. Shoes? Combat boots? Protection for his soles? Man, that’s for guys like Gung Ho. Quick Kick’s feet are his boots. His nipples are his bulletproof vest. His ripped abs are his . . . flak jacket, and so forth. You will respect this man or you will get the hell out of his way.
Side note: I love how Quick Kick joins the Joes in the cartoon:
“Hey guys, I’m just your average Asian-American karate expert-slash-stuntman wandering around barefoot in the freezing snow wearing only pants. Mind if I join your war on terror?”
“Yeah, dude, you’re in as long as you’ve got chocolate bars.”
“What luck!”
AndIneedalloftheminasixinchJoelinelikenow!
