1984: The Year We Peaked

This column is probably a year late, but this is Fwoosh so that’s kind of on time for us. Just pretend you read this a long time ago. Anyway, I’ve been juggling a thought for a while now, and eery evidence started piling up and piling up until it was too overwhelming to ignore. The theory is that it’s quite possible we peaked as a civilization in 1984. It’s an unavoidable fact that it’s all been downhill from there.

Okay, that’s an extreme exaggeration. Maybe. I will provide more proof than you could possible need to prove that we should have hung it up in the year that George Orwell warned us about.

Let’s start with the reason we’re all here: the toys. 1984’s largest toy debut was a little line of robots that has gone on to become an international sensation. Sure, it was a line whose origins began in a different line, but it became more than the sum of its parts when it debuted in 1984; it became greater than the sum of its parts.

That line is called Starriors.

Ok, It’s really Transformers.

But Starriors were the second most awesome robots that debuted in 1984. Transformers became a triple threat, debuting in toy, comic, and cartoon form, and production has not stopped since. Starriors enjoyed a single year and a four-issue comic, and then faded into oblivion. But that’s a topic for another column. And it will be. But today the names Optimus Prime and Megatron are iconic pop culture touchstones whose origins began in a year whose greatness cannot be overstated.

G.I. Joe began in 1982, but even with the strong start it had and the momentum it was building, it wasn’t until 1984 when it truly found its voice. The good guys were no longer confined by drab green, and the bad guys got a ninja. This immediately made the line more awesome by a factor of about a bajillion. 1984 was a turning point in the line, expanding the idea of these 3 3/4-inch soldiers and those they fought, and it never looked back. With evil characters like Baroness, Firefly, Zartan, and Storm Shadow up against Joes like Duke, Spirit, and Roadblock, those who weren’t hooked by then couldn’t help but be drawn into this world.

Marvel and DC both enjoyed a run of toys with MEGO in the ’70s, but by 1983 that well dried up. 1984 looked like it would be free of toys from the two biggest comic companies. But it wasn’t. Marvel and DC both ended up debuting brand new toy lines aimed towards a brand new audience: Super Powers and Secret Wars. Super Powers exploded onto the scene with the greatest first wave of characters the toy world has ever seen before or since, and Secret Wars gave us fan favorites like Iron Man, Spider-Man, Captain America, and Wolverine. The fact that both lines were size compatible and hand-friendly only enhanced the fun. Superman, He-Man and Spider-Man could team up to fight a whole bunch of bad guys. The world finally made sense.

Besides toys, we all like the comic books — right, kids? Well, in addition to Secret Wars (which Marvel is utilizing for their current franchise rejiggering) there were a couple of other noteworthy happenings. Some weird indie title called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles started, parodying pretty much everything, but doing it so well that we still haven’t heard the last of them. In that Secret Wars thing Spider-Man got his first brand new costume, which would be the only alternate costume with any amount of sticking (haha) power. The Avengers branched out and got a West Coast division, Superman hit 400 issues, some barely known British guy named Alan Moore took over the struggling Swamp Thing and would go on to do not much of merit (I’m kidding, Mr. Moore. Please don’t send your beard after me), and Power Pack began. A team we still need figures of… for real. And did you know Dragon Ball began in 1984? I don’t know much about it but I know it’s got legs. And… balls?

Also, the Spot debuted. Another figure IN NEED OF FIGURE.

But toys and comics weren’t the only place where 1984 was freakishly awesome. The cinemas could barely contain all the movies that created legacies that year. If you just want to keep it to toy-related and toyetic properties, 1984 was the year we first saw Terminator, Ghostbusters, Gremlins, Karate Kid, Nightmare on Elm Street, and a character who probably really needs an awesome toy — the Toxic Avenger. Movies like Conan and Indiana Jones got sequels, Beverly Hills Cop made us think this Eddie Murphy guy could have a career, and the Police Academy movies began their 90-movie run. Kevin bacon got Footloose, Nerds had their revenge, someone Romanced a Stone, Spinal Tap turned it to 11 and Muppets took Manhattan. And this was all in a single year, and there’s more… that I will let you find out for yourself. Seriously, it got nuts.

But we didn’t just have the theater; we also had televisions. You know what shows debuted in 1984? Basically all of them. All of the shows you still hear about as the epitome of ’80s television, more or less. It starts with the Cosby Show, and it goes on to cover Who’s the Boss; Night Court; Charles in Charge; Murder, She Wrote; Blue Thunder; Punky Brewster; Miami Vice; and the miniseries V. Hell, if Knight Rider and The A-Team had debuted this year, the world might have literally exploded.

Also, Turbo Teen debuted. Yeah, the cartoon about the kid who changes into a car. If that doesn’t say something about how awesome a year 1984 was… I don’t know what I can tell you. Between that, the Transformers cartoon, the Super Powers cartoon, Voltron, and Muppet Babies, there wasn’t room for dessert.

1984 was nuts. It’s like everybody had an idea, and decided to unleash it on the world at the same time. And this isn’t even counting everything I’ve missed, between the toys, the movies, and even areas I haven’t covered, like books and music.

Seriously. 1984. What the hell? And I’m sure I’ve forgotten a ton, so tell me what I missed in the comment section.