Rubbers, wheat-cakes, and guilt. No, I’m not free-forming lyrics for a Tom Waits pastiche; I’m talking about May Parker! She was Ben’s old lady, Peter’s aunt, and Doc Ock’s regular Saturday night thing. She predates Nick Fury, Wolverine, and almost every other Marvel Comics character around today. So why isn’t she on my action figure shelf?
May’s befuddlement at her predicament is justified. When you consider relative newbies like Hope Summers, Fantomex, and Daken all have figures, Peter’s favorite aunt seems unfairly snubbed. When you realize she’s tougher than all three of these characters put together, then it’s downright insulting. Don’t believe me? May Parker has had more heart attacks than Fred Sanford and Tony Stark combined, but, unlike Stark, she doesn’t need a chestful of Radio Shack parts to keep her going. She’s been hospitalized, dropped off of buildings, given radio-active blood transfusions — hell, she’s even died, but May is still kickin’ it the the Marvel Universe.
Oh, sure, May has come close to that great back-issue bin in the sky, but her resiliency and sheer spunk have prevented her from being permanently bagged and boarded. That doesn’t mean that was always the plan, though. After Stan Lee and Steve Ditko left the book, there was talk of dusting her. Spider-scribe Gerry Conway said his long-time collaborator John Romita wanted to kill Aunt May to shake up the stories, but the writer disagreed. Conway argued that Aunt May was a “moral anchor” for Peter, but conceded that something needed to happen to shake up the status quo. That something turned out to be the death of Gwen Stacey. Aunt May: 1. Youth: 0
Unlike long-lived mutants Logan or Mister Sinister, Mrs. Parker has made it to her golden years without the benefit of super powers. The Parkers must have amazing genetics. I mean, Aunt May is so ancient, her Social Security number is 1. She’s been around so long, her blood type was discontinued. She knew Galactus when he was just a bit peckish. She dated the Watcher back when he had an afro. She is old is what I’m sayin’. These are the jokes, folks.
Even without super-powers, May Parker is a formidable force. Look at how she laid out ol’ Web-Head here. She didn’t even need her shoe, she dropped him with some cheap Woolworth’s pottery. With her immunity to Petey’s spider-sense and her seemingly unkillable nature, Aunt May is a bigger threat to her nephew than the Sinister Six and J. Jonah Jameson combined.
Another reason Aunt May rocks: she’s downright fearless. Would you stick your finger in a mysterious white fluid seeping out from under a teenager’s door? No. No, you would not. But to May, it’s just another day in Forest Hills. She’s been widowed, hospitalized, and abducted by supervillains, but she still remains unflappable. Weird taste in men, though. Nathan Lubensky, Arthur Chekov, the Avengers butler Jarvis — the old gal gets around. Seriously, this guy was nearly Peter’s step-dad:
Boy, The Superior Spider-Man would have been very different had this storyline played out, huh? Probably best not to think about it. What, too late? Well, then let’s clear the palette with this nightmarish reimagining of May as a teenager in the 1960s.
Yeesh. Looks like something you’d get arrested for owning.
“No, officer, I swear, it’s just a Spider-Man comic!”
“Tell it to the judge, me boyo!”
The fact is, despite the character often being used as a mere plot contrivance, May has come to occupy an important role in the Marvel Universe. She has played a major role in the development of Peter Parker and his wall-crawling alter ego. While Uncle Ben merely spoke of responsibility, Aunt May has lived it. She’s sold her jewelry to stave off eviction, taken in dangerous boarders to keep the lights on, and had numerous heart attacks as a result of her hard life. In spite of all this, she has never given up. Time and again May has been there to show her nephew that, no matter how tough things may seem, you never, ever stop fighting. If that’s not the core of Spider-Man’s character, then I’ll turn in my Mighty Marvel Marching Society membership!
Okay, so Aunt May, action figure. While she did receive representation in Toy Biz’s Famous Covers series, it was closer to a Barbie than an honest-to-goodness action figure. That’s no good for our shelves. What we need is an Aunt May scaled to fit with our Marvel Legends. I know, I know — who’s going to buy an action figure of an old woman? Well, there’s uh, me… and I bet ‘Benty would want one. I’ll admit, Aunt May is not exactly retail dynamite. Since Spidey has his own line, why not make her a build-a-figure? Why should that treatment be reserved for talking trees and gun-toting monkey assassins? C’mon, you know you’re going to buy ’em all anyway. May would make an amazing figure.
As you can see, a housecoat isn’t the only thing an Aunt May figure could wear. Imagine having the Astonishing Ant-Aunt to hang with her arachnid-powered nephew, or an Auntie Freeze to class up your X-Men display. That’s gold, Jerry! Gold!
Has the Man in the Anthill finally flipped his lid? Discuss it on the Fwoosh forums!
Thanks to Michael Eury and all the guys whose jokes I “borrowed” over on the Back Issue Magazine Facebook page. Check it out one time, won’t you?
